TITLE: The Scent of Humanity
GENRE: Commercial fiction
The sun was still flirting with the sky in a last-ditch attempt to stay the night when Nick Fahey arrived on the scene, his blue light casting an eerie glow over the blush of sunset. Last but not least, he noted as he angled his unmarked Taurus into position behind two cruisers parked alongside the curb and killed the lights along with the engine. That was sure to make headlines, if he knew anything about his colleagues. Rob Lamont didn't disappoint.
"Well, look who finally decided to show up!" Rob called from his position on the sidewalk. "Nice of you to join us, Detective Fahey."
How did I know that was coming? Nick thought. Didn't matter that he'd made detective over a year ago; his buddies still didn't miss an opportunity to rib him about it. And Rob was the worst. For some odd reason, Rob believed that growing up on the same street and being a life-long friend gave him special privileges over the rest of their colleagues; he always added that extra little jibe. The added zinger that carried more weight due to their brotherly bond. Not that Nick minded; he got his own hits in.
With a smile at that thought, Nick grabbed a notepad from the dashboard and departed the Taurus. A wave of heat hit him the moment he opened the door and he resisted the urge to ditch his blazer. Ah, the wonders of July in New England.
I like the image of the sun flirting, but then I feel like there's just too much going on in the first sentence. Specifically, it sounds like the blue light is coming from your protagonist, so I was picturing some sort of glowing creature until I hit the part about the cruisers.
ReplyDeleteMaybe (just rearranging your words), "The sun was still flirting with the sky in a last-ditch attempt to stay the night when Nick Fahey arrived on the scene. The blue lights of his unmarked Taurus cast an eerie glow over the blush of sunset.
Last but not least, he noted as he angled into position behind two cruisers..."
There's a lot of exposition here about his friendship with Rob that could probably come later on and let us get to a story question sooner.
I thought the blue light was coming from the mc as well. Maybe I've been reading too much sci-fi and paranormal!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this.
I feel like there is some hidden goodness here. I like the voice, and there is nice character establishment. However, I feel like the opening lines are too florid, especially in conjunction with a detective. I'd also like to see a greater sense of urgency, assuming this is a crime scene of some kind. What's Nick late for? Hopefully something very compelling.
ReplyDeleteIf this was a book, I would have bought it.
ReplyDeleteI loved the first line, but that was unfortunately about it. Everything else is backstory and setup. I'd much rather get to the part with why there are cops/detectives on the scene than why his coworkers rag him. That stuff can come later (and be Shown, rather than Told). Get to the action quicker, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph, but I got bored in the 3rd, sorry *blush*
ReplyDeleteI'd trim the first paragraph a lot. The sentences keep going and going. The third paragraph tells too much and goes into too much background information. Nothing quite hooked me enough to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI think this might make for an interesting story--it's fascinating to see how childhood friendships develop or don't in adulthood (and at this point that seems to be what this is about), but right now, I'm finding it too description and backstory heavy to enjoy very much.
ReplyDeleteI drowned in the first couple of sentences. They were just kind of long and convoluted.
ReplyDeleteI felt like there was too much exposition and not enough action. I don't mind exposition, but I want to be solidly hooked first.
Good luck with this!
The first sentence was unique, and I liked the imagery, but then I find it's a detective story and it kinda clashes with the seriousness of the moment.
ReplyDeleteI also though the blue light was coming from the MC.
The 2nd sentence has too much going on in it. What did he note?
I think the voice is good, but the pacing is a little too slow for the start.
With a little tightening up, I'd probably read on.
No, sorry, not really my genre and nothing about Nick or his situation grabs me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc