TITLE: Necromancer Rising
GENRE: fantasy
The dusty odor of age stung Magran's nose. He crept into the loft,
listening as his grandfather's wheezing breath.
"Is that you, boy?"
Magran hunkered down behind sheaves of straw used to fill the sack
beds. He wasn't supposed to be up here with Grandfather. Father
would tan him if he discovered him up here. The hearth stove waited
below, warm and inviting, but his brothers and sisters already crowded
around it. They didn't want him around. Magran hugged himself.
"Know you're here." Grandfather coughed. "Know your friend is here too, boy."
Magran wrinkled his nose in confusion. What friend? He'd come up by himself.
When he was around his siblings he was aware of the hunger, the weird
ache deep inside. He didn't understand it. Worse, he had no way to
make it leave. No one in town ever spoke of feeling that kind of
starvation, not physical but stronger and darker, so he'd kept quiet
about it.
The light dimmed again as the lamp wick sapped the near-empty fuel
from the pottery base. Grandfather sat in his creaky chair, swathed in
a threadbare blanket, his glassy eyes wandering. Grayish veins stood
out under his thin, mud-brown skin. What had once been a healthy dark
tone like most of the townspeople was now weathered with age and
sickness. "Come on, I can hear you. No use hiding."
Magran swallowed and stood up. "Don't tell them I'm here, Grandfather."
"No one listens no more."
Yes.
ReplyDeleteYou gave me enough to imagine the scene - and to wonder what secret is about to be revealed.
Good. I'm curious as to the "friend" Magran has and am sure it will play an important role in the story.
ReplyDeleteI'd cut the paragraph, "When he was around his siblings he was aware . . ." and if the info is important work it in later in a different way. Go right to the next paragraph but put Grandpa's dialogue at the beginning so it reads:
Magran wrinkled his nose in confusion. What friend? He'd come up by himself.
"Come on, I can hear you. No use hiding."
The light dimmed again as the lamp wick sapped the near-empty fuel
from the pottery base. Grandfather sat in his creaky chair, swathed in
a threadbare blanket, his glassy eyes wandering. Grayish veins stood
out under his thin, mud-brown skin. What had once been a healthy dark tone like most of the townspeople was now weathered with age and sickness.
Magran swallowed and stood up. "Don't tell them I'm here, Grandfather."
And if you can cut the description of Grandfather completely and work the details in during Magran's conversation with him (the one I believe comes after this passage) it would be even better.
You have word mobs, and I see places you can cut. Starting with "used to fill the sack beds" - it doesn't matter what the straw is used for in the scene. It adds stuff I don't need to know and that doesn't help me yet. Maybe later you can mention straw beds, but in the first page I don't need that much world building.
ReplyDeleteThe scene is well written though. It just feels, very full. Especially for a narrator who is young and hungry.
I'm curious, but wouldn't say I'm 100% hooked just yet. I couldn't fully connect with Magranas a character yet (i.e., I think his voice could be a bit stronger, rather than feeling like it's the author speaking through him).
ReplyDeleteBUT, I do see potential, so I'd probably read until the end of the chapter.
I'd read on. Very nice scene setting. Good characters, hints at what is to come with the non-existent 'friend.' I think this was done well.
ReplyDeleteI know you! But I've never read this piece, so I can give you fair comments. :)
ReplyDeleteI love the descriptions of Grandfather and the starving feelings Magran mentions. As a character, I like that he feels distanced and different from his siblings. I'm curious about the "friend" Grandfather mentions. I think Magran sounds a little older than you intend him to be, but I'd keep reading more. I'm curious and hooked enough to finish the chapter.
"...listening as his grandfather's wheezing breath."
ReplyDeleteThis didn't make sence to me. Maybe "listening TO his grandfather's wheezing."
I'm not 100% hooked but I would like to know about the friend who isn't there.
This sounds like it could be promising. I'm not totally hooked though, but I think there are just a few areas to improve that would turn this from a "no" to a "let's see more". Spend a little less time on description, and make the exchange between Magran and his grandfather more interactive. I'm curious about the connection between the hunger and the friend, so hopefully some more comes on that topic soon after this piece ends!
ReplyDeleteYes. Only think I could nitpick at was the frequent repeat of "Magran"
ReplyDeleteYou've got some good possibilities here, but I can't say I'm hooked yet. The dusty odor of age? I immediately switched age to hay, since he's in a loft. You repeat "up here" in back to back sentences.
ReplyDeleteA tad unusual to have a stove in a barn since hay particles are highly flammable. Not real sure I like the introduction of an invisible friend and then the immediate revelation of where that friend is. Try to draw that out and give the reader a crack at the mystery.
I mostly like this. I like the vivid descriptions of the loft and the grandfather best. And I'm intrigued by the "friend" and Magran's hunger
ReplyDeleteI think that this might be better, though, if some of the information about the family were saved for later. I think the dialogue would move more smoothly if it went directly from "if he discovered him up here" to "Know you're here." (and it might make sense to have either "he wasn't supposed to . .." or the "Father would tan him . . .", but not both.)
But in general, I like this. I want to know what happens.
Thank you very much, everyone! :D I very much appreciate the feedback, you've all given me lots of ideas on how to improve it, so thank you again!
ReplyDeleteSecret Agent, thanks very much for your time and comments. :) I love the suggestions and it makes a lot of sense, so a-revising I will go.
Ta, everyone!
~Merc