Thursday, October 16, 2008

24 SECRET AGENT: Are You Hooked?

TITLE: Lucifer’s Porsche
GENRE: Urban Fantasy



Satan shivered.

The air shimmered with Seattle’s late-August radiance. Still too chilly for his taste, despite the rugged human body he’d conjured for himself. In the past few decades, he’d noticed an uptick in carbon dioxide that promised a toastier future.

He strolled past two-story colonials and well-tended lawns. With hefty mortgages and a competitive need to accumulate gadgets, suburbanites made promising candidates. A forty-something male drove by in a gold Mercedes. Satan performed a quick soul-scan: theft, adultery, assault, chronic emotional abuse. No need to waste a deal on that one.

A cloud of sweet fragrance attacked him. Coughing, he stared at the offending honeysuckle, infusing it with an undertone of vomit that would puzzle the homeowner until she replaced it with a scentless shrub.

Two girls played hopscotch in a driveway. Under fifteen. Off-limits per the treaty. One of them gave him a beady stare, nudging her friend.

He clenched his fists, fighting the urge to strike her across the head for impertinence. A soul-scan revealed a malicious streak that if left unchecked would grow nicely.

He winked. “See you later, alligator.”

“Perv,” she said. As if that were a bad thing.

Staring at a bird overhead, he frightened it into defecation. The treaty didn’t protect hopscotch grids. My, my, such language from those innocent mouths. Smiling, he sauntered, pausing to alter a tinkling wind chime into discordance.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fun and well written. Clear images and characters. The tension is a bit low key and vague for me--just finding another victim isn't going to draw me much further along. The writing is so good that I'm thinking the twist/conflict is probably coming up soon. Consider moving it up? Merliniana

H. L. Dyer said...

Yes. Hooked. :)

just Joan said...

I might be paying a visit to Satan because I enjoyed this. LOL

There wasn't any tension or the usual hook, but I think this is proof there doesn't always need to be. I'm hooked because of the character and my interest in what he will do next.

Emily said...

I really liked this and would definitely read on. This is very fresh. Great job!

Karrie said...

I loved this one. Clear, concise and, oh so, menacing.

Lori said...

I REALLY liked this. Sarcastic, unique view on the world, intriguing voice for Satan (wow, never thought I'd write a line like that!) and great first line. I would absolutely read on!

Alicia said...

Adored this one! I love the idea of using Satan as a mischievous protagonist. Good pacing and characterizations throughout the piece. I'm hooked!

Arlene said...

Hooked. The tie it to global warming in the first paragraph tells me this author will be funny, cute but with an undercurrent of sarcasm worth reading onward for. The title is unique also, making me wonder if the devil's gonna have to sell his own soul to a car dealer. The clean writing is another big plus. Well done.

Gypsywitch said...

Fun. I'd like to see a bit more of a hint at the conflict but this was unusual enough that I'd give it another page or two so call me hooked.

Mary said...

This one is a lot of fun. Love all the elements of Satan - noticing global warming, soul scans, the incident with the flowers. You've got quite a character here. I'm curious what he's going to find in suburbia. I'm hooked.

Secret Agent said...

Oh Satan, what to do with you! I'm a sucker for taking the Prince of Darkness and making him one of the guys, so I always take a look at Satan queries with interest (yes, there are enough of them that they get their own category, along with pets that solve mysteries and a main character that's descended from Jesus). Unfortunately, because I've seen the approximate scenario before, this doesn't hook me. I want a stronger sense of voice in the writing so that it can stand out from the crowd. Interesting things could happen down the line, but I'm not yet swayed. Hey, if Satan is your protagonist, don't be afraid to push the envelope.

Sponge said...

Hmmmm....

I can't actually spot anything wrong with this. It is really good, and you have a twisted humor going on here. Clever. B)

It just isn't my type of thing...

RayLynne said...

I'm definitely hooked. It's like Faust--but funny.

Merc said...

Oh, yes, yes, YES! :D This is my favorite so far. %-) LOVED it and would so read on!

~Merc