Wednesday, October 29, 2008

16 Drop The Needle TENSION

TITLE: The Canicene Inheritance
GENRE: Sci-fi/fantasy
Brinn Rhodry's hired a Human co-pilot for the last leg of a 10-year voyage. Port authorities have arrested him for trying to steal her ship and she's confronting him at the notorious prison where he's been taken.


"Cost and contract be damned," she said, her eyes blazing. "You were trying to steal my ship." She took a step toward him. "That's worse than murder. Tell me why I shouldn't leave you here."

"You're half Human," he said, trying to hide the alarm in his voice. "What about species loyalty?"

"And if I show you as much loyalty as you showed me?"

"Do you have any idea what they will do to me here?" At that moment the chorus of pain rose again and the first especially blood-curdling howl drifted to their ears.

"I know exactly what they'll do. I asked at the desk."

He was getting nowhere. "Please," he said. "Take it out of my pay. Add contract penalties. But come on, get me out of here, alright?"

"And trust you on my ship again?" Her eyes were narrow.

"You don't have to trust me. I'll be wearing a wrist-band and you'll be holding the control device."

"I need someone who'll cover my back, not go behind my back," she growled. "I contracted for a co-pilot, not a prisoner."

"I can still be your co-pilot," he said, "as soon as my arm heals." The cries from the other cells were louder now, and more intense. It became impossible to tell how many species were howling. "They're amputating intestines by hand back there," he said to her with some urgency, understating the case.

"Yes."

"You can't leave me here," he half-whispered.

"I can," she corrected him, standing up.

9 comments:

  1. I understood through dialogue that there's conflict going on, but ...

    There's a lot of passive voice here. Watch out for was and were.

    At that moment, the chorus of pain rose again and the first especially blood-curling howl drifted to their ears.

    This phrase is awkward. I think maybe because I can't tell whose POV we're getting this from. It feels like the narrator is injecting too much of his/her own thoughts in here and it comes off as telling instead of showing.

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  2. The part where she says she knows what they'll do because she asked at the desk made me laugh.

    At the end, I don't think you have to explain that he's "understating the case." The line about the intestines is funny, and since we already know there's lots of screaming going on, we'll get the joke without that sentence.

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  3. Nice tension. Couldn't quite tell whose POV we were in. "He was getting nowhere." seems like the human's POV.

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  4. Great dialogue and tension. The line about the amputated intestines was supposed to be funny? Eeek! I didn't laugh. 8^) I thought he meant it.

    BTW, anon, just and FYI: was and were are not passive voice. That's a huge pet peeve of mine when people assume any sentence that uses was or were is passive. Not true. These are verbs that can be active or passive, depending on how they're used.

    Examples: She was throwing the ball. (not passive, just poorly written because "was" is a weak verb in this case.) As opposed to: The ball was thrown by her. (now THAT's passive. See the difference?)

    Example from this excerpt: "He was getting nowhere." This is active. the passive version would be: "Getting nowhere is where he was."

    However, this sentence: "Her eyes were narrow" would be better in active voice: "She narrowed her eyes."

    I recommend you read this article to help you understand the difference:
    http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/passive.htm

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  5. I liked this and wasn't bothered by the use of "was" - I think that infrequent use of this verb is good, but like anything else, it can be used where it works. I was caught up in this - especially in Brinn's relative heartlessness in the situation and I wondered what kind of world forced her to be so.

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  6. There didn't seem to be a clearly defined POV character here. Also, I think some breaks in the long lines of dialogue would help, such as adding some gestures or other physical responses on the part of the POV character.

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  7. I like this. If you changed the words>> 'were louder now' to >>'grew louder' It would read better.

    I loved the voice.

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  8. This is deliciously tense and I want to keep reading. :)

    One tidbit: there's no such word as "alright." It's "all right."

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  9. Oh, Authoress, bless you for beating me to "all right." That's one of MY big pet peeves, and I always feel badly for harping on it.

    I liked the tension and the snark here. That Brinn is one tough cookie! The Human co-pilot seems wimpy next to her. (Is he really wimpy, or is that an artifact of the 250-word limit?) I'd read more. :-)

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