Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS3

TITLE: Life is Sweet
GENRE: Women's Fiction

I never thought I'd get divorced, let alone sit Shiva for my ex-husband in a house with a Christmas tree, yet there I was.

32 comments:

  1. I'm hooked!

    Not entirely in love with the last four words, though. Unless they're really part of the protagonist's voice, I'd consider ditching them. The sentence would have a more forceful ending on 'tree' - or you go on to start the next sentence 'Yet there I was, noshing on Aunt Golde's kugel' or whatever and keep the momentum.

    Do you explain 'shiva' as you continue? - I just wonder how many readers would need an explanation.

    But these are nitpicks. I'd definitely read on!

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  2. 'Or you COULD go on to start the next sentence', is what I meant to type.

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  3. Yes, from this I'd read the first paragraph, or flip the book over for a look at the cover blurb. I might leave out the "I'd get diverced" and shoot straight for "sit Shiva at my . . ." It feels more like a shot in the arm with the singular, stronger statement. Sort of a 'blink' moment for the reader.

    Amethyst

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  4. I'm not sure about this one. I'm not sure what sit Shiva means, and I'd almost like something stronger here to really show us how at odds with her life plan this is.

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  5. Hooked. I love the juxtaposition of sitting shiva and a Christmas tree.

    I agree that "yet there I was" could continue into the next sentence.

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  6. I'd cut the first ad last phrases -- "I never thought I'd sit Siva for my ex-husband in a house with a Christmas tree."

    I'd read on.

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  7. Thanks folks, for the feedback. It's always appreciated! This is mine, and I'll be honest, in my current draft the first line ends with "tree."

    So I guess my instinct was correct. LOL!

    As for not knowing what Shiva is - I don't think I've met many people who don't know that -- but it is explained in the second graf because I know it has to be.

    There's a bit of cultural anthropology throughout the book, always explained.

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  8. I'd keep reading, I like the voice.

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  9. Hmm, I've never heard "sit Shiva."

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  10. Very hooked. Tells a lot about what the story is going to be about, and I want to read more.

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  11. I'd read, but I agree with tightening the sentence.

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  12. I'm not hooked yet, but I'd read on a bit.

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  13. I have to say I'm not hooked, sorry, but it could be the genre. ;) I don't really read women's fic.

    ~Merc

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  14. agree with leaving off "yet there I was"

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  15. I like it. Shows a lot in very few words.

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  16. I loved the juxtaposition of sitting shiva and the Christmas tree

    I'm on the fence about the edit suggested though. I liked the wry tone it conveyed.

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  17. Amy,

    Take this for what it's worth: my first thought when I finished the sentence was...

    Do you have to cover the mirror balls on the Christmas tree when you sit shiva?

    Which, come to think of it, might work well (re-worked, obviously) for an opening sentence (that you'd then would have to explain to the reader, of course).

    I liked this, sounds intriguing...

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  18. Peter,
    I love your thought process. But I guess it would depend on whether or not you're having bacon for breakfast.

    ;)

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  19. Leave off the "yet there I was".
    I like it, I'd keep reading.

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  20. Not being Jewish, I don't understand the reference. Makes me wonder how many other non-Jewish readers might be put off by this.

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  21. Danceluvr - thanks for the input - I've had reads from a lot of non-Jews and only a few don't know what Shiva is. I do explain it soon after the first line, so hopefully that takes care of the problem. I am also going to work on a version that doesn't have the word Shiva in it, but the culture is a big part of the book.

    Thanks again.

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  22. Sorry, I'd pass. The two primary thoughts aren't connected enough IMO for there to be the "let alone". The first conveys the sense that she believed they had a strong marriage. The second conveys the sense that she is doing something outside her religion.

    IMO, for there to be the "let alone" used here, the first part would have to be followed by something that goes beyond her belief that she has a good relationship with her husband. In this case, the fact that she's apparently tossing aside her religion for him (in a sense) means they are still at least on some sort of ammicable terms. If you're gonna use "let alone" then IMO it would have been "...get divorced, let alone point a gun at his head..."

    The second part would then be something like "I never thought I'd see my ex-husband again, let alone sit Shiva for him..."

    (Of course, if the "sit Shiva" is intended some other way, it's not apparent to me)

    Fred

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  23. I'm intrigued but a bit confused. I'm assuming that by "sit Shiva" you're talking about Jewish bereavement, right?

    I'm on the fence, and I do agree with ending it at "tree".

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  24. I liked this. I honestly don't think you need to worry about some readers not understanding what "sit Shiva" means. Beyond the fact that I think many people will know (I do, and I'm not Jewish), in my opinion a reader doesn't have to understand everything in the first sentence. You mentioned that you explain Shiva in the second paragraph, and I think that's just fine.

    Sometimes I feel like the emphasis placed on super-tight, fully-understood, hooky first sentences borders on ridiculous. Most people who are intrigued by the cover/back copy/title will read more than the first sentence before deciding whether to keep going, IMHO. And anyone who would put a book down because they aren't instantly familiar with a cultural/religious ritual when it's mentioned in the first sentence... well, you're probably not writing for that particular audience. ;)

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  25. Thanks again everyone - it's a first line that has passed muster in a lot of trials - so I'm somewhat confident with it as a lead-in to my novel. But of course, the book won't be right for everyone!

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  26. I'm hooked, but if this is the point in time where the story starts, I think the ending of the sentence would pack more punch if it read, "but here I am."

    Re first sentences and hooks in general, I'm in full agreement with Anonymous (just above Amy Sue). Very few readers - or editors or agents - are going to judge a book by the first sentence alone.

    I have faith in writers. As a reader, I don't expect to understand everything - or even anything - I just have to be intrigued enough to read another sentence. And if that one's intriguing, I keep going.

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