Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS7

TITLE: Untitled #2
GENRE: Fantasy

Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work, she was an hour early and he was dead.

34 comments:

  1. Yes! Definitely. I love the balance of 'sharp' and 'understated' in this humor. And of course now I wonder why Frank's dead and why/if his being so isn't quite as important as Alana getting to work early. Hee.

    Amethyst

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  2. Loved this! Definitley hooked.

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  3. Yep, this ones a keeper! LOVE IT!

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  4. Aside from the comma splice, this is great.

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  5. I'd definitely keep reading but the comma threw me for a second.

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  6. I like it alot. I think you have two sentences here at the comma. And you need a comma between early and and.

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  7. Completely agree with macaronipants. Great hook, needs 2 sentences and a comma.

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  8. I love this, but the comma doesn't work. I'd use an em-dash.

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  9. The comma doesn't work--how about this?
    Fabulous hook though.

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  10. Very nice. Very, very nice. :)

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  11. I like it, and would read on, but for some reason I think a semi-colon instead of a period would connect the two thoughts better. ;)

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  12. I'd definitely read on. I agree with the punctuation comments above and would recommend an em-dash. But I'm not convinced it's humor yet. Is something wrong with me? Good luck with this--it seems very intriguing.

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  13. Great idea, but either use a dash or two sentences. I might even break it into two paragraphs for extra punch.

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  14. The comma is awkward, but it's a great first line. Just needs some tweaking.

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  15. First thought that popped in my head was Jasper Fforde's writing (the Thursday Next books). Not sure if you're aiming for that kind of book, but that's what came across. Which is a very good thing. I definitely would read more. Especially with this labeled as a fantasy.

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  16. I think you're comma should be a semicolon, but otherwise I love it.

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  17. This is a great hook but could be revised to avoid the comma splice.

    Good luck!

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  18. Oooh yes please!

    This one zings!

    Loved it ( and jealous as sin)

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  19. "Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work; she was an hour early, he was dead."

    Great job!

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  20. Out of the 50, this "sentence" hooked me the most.

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  21. So is Frank the important character or Alana?

    Not being a mystery fan, I'd probably not read much further.

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  22. Yeah, put a semi-colon there, and I'm reading on. Good job.

    Fred

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