Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS7

TITLE: Untitled #2
GENRE: Fantasy

Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work, she was an hour early and he was dead.

34 comments:

Amethyst Greye Alexander said...

Yes! Definitely. I love the balance of 'sharp' and 'understated' in this humor. And of course now I wonder why Frank's dead and why/if his being so isn't quite as important as Alana getting to work early. Hee.

Amethyst

Gillian said...

Loved this! Definitley hooked.

ChariDee said...

Yep, this ones a keeper! LOVE IT!

Conni said...

Aside from the comma splice, this is great.

Scott said...

Yes.

redqueen1 said...

I'd definitely keep reading but the comma threw me for a second.

Sheila said...

Loved it!

adrcremer said...

Wonderful!

vrleavitt said...

Great hook!

Lucy Woodhull said...

Great! I'd definitely continue.

Jaime Theler said...

I like it.

macaronipants said...

I like it alot. I think you have two sentences here at the comma. And you need a comma between early and and.

Being Beth said...

I'd absolutely read more.

romoak said...

Completely agree with macaronipants. Great hook, needs 2 sentences and a comma.

Jeanne Ryan said...

I love this, but the comma doesn't work. I'd use an em-dash.

DCS said...

The comma doesn't work--how about this?
Fabulous hook though.

Lara said...

Liked it!

Judy said...

Hooked!!

ElanaJ said...

Very nice. Very, very nice. :)

Jenn Johansson said...

use -- and I love it! :)

Deb S said...

Ditto on the love.

Merc said...

I like it, and would read on, but for some reason I think a semi-colon instead of a period would connect the two thoughts better. ;)

c.e.lawson said...

I'd definitely read on. I agree with the punctuation comments above and would recommend an em-dash. But I'm not convinced it's humor yet. Is something wrong with me? Good luck with this--it seems very intriguing.

puzzlehouse said...

Great idea, but either use a dash or two sentences. I might even break it into two paragraphs for extra punch.

celestialgldfsh said...

The comma is awkward, but it's a great first line. Just needs some tweaking.

nessili said...

First thought that popped in my head was Jasper Fforde's writing (the Thursday Next books). Not sure if you're aiming for that kind of book, but that's what came across. Which is a very good thing. I definitely would read more. Especially with this labeled as a fantasy.

Dominique said...

I think you're comma should be a semicolon, but otherwise I love it.

Writeaholic said...

This is a great hook but could be revised to avoid the comma splice.

Good luck!

Cheryl S said...

Oooh yes please!

This one zings!

Loved it ( and jealous as sin)

Peter said...

"Frank was at his desk when Alana arrived at work; she was an hour early, he was dead."

Great job!

Charlie said...

Out of the 50, this "sentence" hooked me the most.

just Joan said...

What the? LOL I love it!

danceluvr said...

So is Frank the important character or Alana?

Not being a mystery fan, I'd probably not read much further.

Lunatic said...

Yeah, put a semi-colon there, and I'm reading on. Good job.

Fred