Do Your Dialogue A Favor

I have to say this -- and it's said in the spirit of wanting you to learn to write better.

Okay, here goes.

I have read SO MUCH REALLY-BAD DIALOGUE over the past few years, both as an editor and as a reader-of-contest-slush, that I sometimes want to throw a veritable tantrum.

One of the first things a writer needs to learn is to STOP BEING IN LOVE WITH HIS WORDS.  And, in my opinion, one of the places this in-love-with-my-words shows up most painfully is in character dialogue.

So here's what I want you to do (and what I tell my clients):

READ YOUR DIALOGUE OUT LOUD.

I've said this before (probably more than once), but it bears repeating, because I really see so much clunky, unbelievable dialogue.  Reading our dialogue out loud helps our EARS to discern whether or not something sounds natural.  Because, in real life, dialogue is aural, not visual.

Like, if you met someone on the subway and they talked like Yoda, you'd sort of notice right away, yes?

Yet you might be tempted, in the midst of your fantasy novel, to make Gregor the One-Handed say, "Perturbed I am that fallen has the city."

Seriously.  It happens.

Here are some examples (and things to avoid):

1.  TOO FORMAL

Because you're thinking about words too much, or you're trying too hard to make your character sound intelligent, you over-think and over-craft his dialogue, making him sound like he's reading from a textbook or giving a speech.   Often, you are FORGETTING TO USE CONTRACTIONS, which exacerbates the problem.

"I do not know what you mean," Goober said.  "I have been trying, to no avail, to reach you by phone or by email for approximately four days.  There is nothing more frustrating, in my opinion, than being accused of not communicating properly, when actually I have been doing my best all along."

Poor Goober.  He has a stick up his behind.

This is better:

"I don't know what you mean," Goober said.  "I've been trying to reach you for four days."

(No, really.  That's all you need here.)

2.  TOO MANY WORDS

People do not talk in gigantic chunks of text (unless they are stuck in a Dickens novel).  If your character's dialogue is more than a couple lines long (three at the most, unless the situation truly warrants a more verbose speech), he is SAYING TOO MUCH AT ONCE.  If he really does have a lot to say, break it up by interspersing reactions from other characters and beats (character actions).

"I got there right as they closed," Twiggy said.  "The woman had just flipped the sign over, and she saw me standing there.  I raised my eyebrows at her, but she pretended she didn't see me.  I mean, I get that.  It was time for her to go home.  But she made me feel less than human.  So I started banging on the window with both fists--just banging and banging, while she stood there staring at me like I was some sort of alien.  I never meant to break anything.  I never meant for the police to be involved.  It just got a little out of hand."

Oh, Twiggy.  No one wants to listen to you prattle on.

This is better:

"I got there right as they closed," Twiggy said.  "The woman had just flipped the sign over, and she saw me standing there.  I swear she saw me."

"Did you ask her to let you in?"  Maximus asked.

"I raised my eyebrows at her, but she pretended she didn't see me."  Twiggy crossed her arms and started pacing.  "I mean, I get that.  It was time for her to go home.  But she made me feel less than human."

"Oh, Twig."

"I started banging on the window with both fists, while she stood there staring at me like I was some sort of alien."  She sighed.  "I never meant to break anything.  I never meant for the police to be involved.  It just got a little...out of hand."

3.  TOO RAMBLY

Dialogue needs to have a clear purpose--it's either a) developing character relationships, or b) revealing information, or c) moving the plot forward.

And even if it's not doing a or b, then it DEFINITELY and ALWAYS needs to do c.  Otherwise, it's just blather.

Tip sat on the bench.  "What'd your mom pack for lunch?"

"Tuna fish and a bag of chips," Flip said.

"Tuna fish?  That's gross."

"Well, I like it."  Flip opened his lunch bag and pulled out a sandwich.

"That smells."

Flip frowned. "I didn't even open it yet."

"Well, I can smell it anyway."

"I've got ham and jelly," Tip said.

"And you think tuna's bad?"

"I've been eating ham and jelly since I was two," Tip said.  "My gramma used to always cook ham with pineapple on top, and then we'd have it for leftovers on bread.  Well, one day, there was ham leftover, but no pineapples.  So my mom smeared jelly on my sandwich.  Been eating it ever since."

Flip pulled open his bag of chips.  "Whatever.  Are you trying out for that play tomorrow?"

"Haven't decided."

"Mary Fulsen is trying out," Flip said.

"What do I care about Mary Fulsen?"

"She's been in two plays before, her brother used to be plays all the time before he moved up to high school."

"Well, I'm not going to try out just because she is," Tip said.

Flip opened his milk carton.  "They were out of chocolate milk again."

"I don't like chocolate milk."

"Strawberry milk is pretty good, though."

Tip made a gagging noise.  "That's even worse.  Milk isn't supposed to be brown or pink."

"Whatever."

"How's your tuna fish?"

"It's pretty good.  How's your ham and jelly?"

"It's pretty good, too."

(Hopefully you stopped reading before you got here.  Tip and Flip's entire scene needs to be deleted and rewritten.)

4.  TOO WEIRD

This is the kind of thing that tends to happen in science fiction or fantasy novels.  In an attempt to create an "otherwordly" effect, writers will sometimes overdo the weird, creating character dialogue that sounds like it came from the scrap pile on the editing floor of a B-movie.

Kuzani stared at the mage, her heart in knots.

"Precious and irreplaceable daughter of the Most High Governor, I salute you with a thousand bright stars."  The mage bowed, folding in half like a boneless snake.  "I am Cheezits'kan, First Mage of the Aboriginal Muckus."

"I'm honored."  She wasn't, really, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Cheezits'kan stepped forward, his iridescent robes playing with the light.  "As the sun rises and sets over the hills of hither and yon, with each rising and setting easily predicted and never failing, so my confidence in you is longsuffering and ever-present."  He placed his finger on his nose.  "Hark!  And heed!  For many and sundry are the words I have to speak to you e're this night passes, and already my throat is nigh parched for lack of arcane liquid.  Come, let us partake of the fruit of the sacred vines, fermented and bottled in the ages before time.  Then, and only then, we will squeeze words from our lips."

If Kuzani had only stabbed him at "precious", we wouldn't have had to read that.

So I'm going to say this one more time:

READ YOUR DIALOGUE OUT LOUD.

Trust me when I tell you that your ear WILL let you know when something sounds off.  If your character says, "I will not be there," and you read it out loud, your ear will immediately say, "Well, huh.  It should be I WON'T BE THERE."

And so on.  LISTEN to the words you write.  It will start to make a difference in how you write them.

(Disclaimer:  I'm not saying that you have to sit down and read your entire novel out loud.  That's just...silly.  But spending some time on pertinent scenes of dialogue, and reading them out loud so that you can really listen to your characters conversing, will go a long way in improving the way you make your characters talk.)

All righty, then -- have at it!  And best of luck.  I truly want you to be able to produce the best that you are capable of.  Dialogue, ultimately, is FUN!  Spending a little time making it better will allow you to enjoy it so much more.  Your characters--and your readers--will thank you.