Call For Submissions: Can you hook a SECRET AGENT?

It's here! Our first Are You Hooked? featuring a Secret Agent is officially off and running.

Please read the submission guidelines carefully! Because I'm expecting an increase in submissions this time, I'm going to have to disqualify any submissions that don't follow the guidelines.

It's not that I don't love you. It's just that we need to "play fair."

Here are the guidelines (note: ONE submission per author, please):

*Submit the FIRST PAGE of a COMPLETED MANUSCRIPT in any genre EXCEPT erotica.
*Please make sure your word count does not exceed 250. Period.
*Expletives will be "bleeped" at my discretion.
*Include the TITLE and GENRE of your work.
*All posts will be anonymous. But please include a SCREEN NAME that will easily identify you (for the purpose of announcing the winner).
*Email your entry to facelesswords(at)gmail.com with ARE YOU HOOKED in the subject line. Please, no attachments.
*All entries MUST BE RECEIVED (time stamped) by Thursday, July 17, at 9:00 AM EDT.
*By submitting your work to me, you are giving implicit permission for me to post your work on this blog and to allow others to read and comment on your work.

I will begin posting the submissions on Thursday, July 17, after the contest has closed.

Post any questions here.

Now, how is this contest going to work, you ask?

A very kind literary agent from a reputable agency in NYC has graciously accepted my invitation to be our Secret Agent in the comment boxes. The Secret Agent will post feedback on each entry, so each participant will be receiving valuable input!

Here's the caveat: If you've entered the contest, you need to take the time to leave feedback for others. In fact, I'm feeling so adamant about this that I'm going to say: IF THE CHOSEN WINNER HASN'T LEFT AT LEAST FIVE CRITIQUES FOR OTHERS, THE PRIZE IS FORFEIT.

Ouch! But truly, I want to get across the importance of give-and-take here.

Our Secret Agent is going to choose one entry as the best. In other words, the winner will have effectively HOOKED our Secret Agent!

The winner will be announced on Monday, July 21. The fabulous prize, straight from the hands of our Secret Agent, will also be announced at this time. (Yep, I know what it is. Nope, I'm not telling.)

The identity of our Secret Agent will also be unveiled on the 21st.

I think that about covers it! I'm awfully excited about this, and look forward to reading your entries.

Sharpen your quills! Warm up your fingers! And best wishes to each of you.

Friday Fricassee

Monday's just around the corner, and I'm excited! Our upcoming Are You Hooked? is going to be the best yet, thanks to the kindness and generosity of our fabulous Secret Agent.

So make sure you're here with bells on to find out the submission requirements and get your work in on time!

(Authoress wishes she had something to submit, but realizes, of course, that that would be rather tacky.)

In the meantime, let's discuss the whole gender-in-writing thing. We've already got a couple here who seem to "break the mold."

Or is the "mold" nonexistent?

What quirks or idiosyncrasies do you feel belong inherently to one sex or the other when it comes to writing? (Ur, "authoring.")

Can you pick up a book without knowing the author, and tell whether it was written by a man or a woman?

If so, why?

What does it take to write a compelling protagonist of the opposite sex?

Charles Dickens pulls it off in Bleak House.

And what about those battle scene openings that I personally detest? Truth be told, I've not read an opening battle scene written by a female author. There might be a subtle difference there that would draw me in. Or perhaps not.

I'm not against battle scenes. "Helm's Deep" from Tolkien's The Two Towers is terrific. (And despite the huge changes they made in the actual storyline, the movie's rendition is fairly fabulous, too.)

Talk! I love when you talk.

And I'll see you all bright and early on Monday!

Semi-Snarky Pet Peeve List

Well, if I don't let it out somehow, I may become jaded and shriveled. A soulless prune whose writing is shallow, laced with the bitterness of hope deferred.

So. Here goes.

1. Agents who only accept snail mail. I mean, seriously. In this day and age? Perhaps the over-50 crowd may be excused, but anyone younger than a Boomer should be all over the convenience and paper-saving-ness of email queries. Shouldn't they?

2. Non-communicative people. Yes, agents and editors are included (and, being a writer and all, I've got them fairly close to the top of my list). But I'm also talking about people who don't RSVP, people who don't respond to simple business emails, people who seem to think that "no answer" is the right thing to do, leaving the guessing up to you.

3. And while I'm on the "non-communicative" train, let me hone in on agents who "only respond if interested." Trust me, I've done my share of querying and partial-ing and even full-ing. It's bad enough when you query an agent and subsequently fall into a black hole of perpetual silence. But a non-response on a requested partial? Unpardonable. And it's happened more than once.

4. The "author" vs. "writer" debate. Some say you're not an "author" unless you've been published. I say, regardless of what has been written, do you ever hear somebody declare, "I like this book. Who is the writer?" Hmph.

5. Bad writing. I'm sorry, there's an awful lot of it out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, there's good stuff, too. But seriously. And especially for children. Have you ever read Rainbow Fish? It's a travesty! And don't get me started on teeny-bopper series and knock-off stories from movies. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

6. Bad chocolate. They shouldn't be allowed to call it "chocolate" at all.

7. Can you tell it's raining today where I live?

8. The cost of postage stamps. Considering the fact that there really are agents out there who will only accept snail mail queries, this is a small issue that just keeps growing. Literally. Did you know that postcard stamps are up to 23 cents a pop? Not to mention the cost of sending the first 50 pages of your manuscript plus a SASE out into the blue yonder, trusting that you'll at least get a semi-personalized rejection letter for your troubles.

9. Form rejections addressed to "Dear Author."

10. Form rejections for requested full manuscripts addressed to "Dear Author."

11. At least they're addressing me as an "author."

12. Want to add to my list? I think I've snarked enough for one rainy afternoon. (Actually, I'm having a pretty good day. I just felt like writing something a little snarky. Just a little.)

Granpappy

Mr. Authoress limped into my mother's kitchen. I knew the expression on his face -- the pinched, geriatric, "something hurts" look that men seem to be especially good at.

"What's wrong?" I tried to sound sympathetic.

"Oh..." Uh-oh. "I think I pulled a back muscle."

Now, hear me. There is a history of back muscle "pulls" and "wrenches" and "what-nots" with this man. Like the time he was playing volleyball a little too vigorously at an office picnic. Or the time he fell off a chair at a restaurant. (Don't ask.) Or the time he decided to leaf-blow the back yard for five straight hours without a break.

Consequently, his announcement didn't produce more than a slight twitch at the corner of my mouth. It was supposed to be an expression of compassion. It felt, however, like a smirk.

"How did you do that?"

"Oh..." Grunt. Grimace. "I was putting on my underwear."

And there you have it. The smirk at the corner of my mouth grew in intensity.

Poor man. It's no fun having an aching back. And it's no fun having a wife who is holding her breath and trying not to laugh instead of babying you and soothing your sore muscles and wounded pride.

I was slightly vindicated the next day in my sister's kitchen. She, of all people, has innate empathy for backache. A large percentage of her husband's salary has gone to a chiropractor in the past two years. I'm sure Mr. Authoress expected more tender treatment at the hands of his sister-in-law.

"So, how did you do it?" she asked.

"I was putting on my underwear."

My sister's laughter exploded from her mouth like a post-baked-beans fart.

I think my husband needs to change his story. Or at least modify his delivery. I mean, an underwear accident borders on the ridiculous. One immediately thinks of leaks and spots and wedgies and other embarrassing things.

How about, "I was getting dressed," or "It happened after I got out of bed."? Or even, "I don't know." Just to completely save face, you know?

Why is my husband compelled to tell everyone that he was putting on his underwear?

No, don't answer that. I don't want to know.

He's feeling better now, I promise. Despite my lack of compassion. Despite his history of back attacks.

Goodness, though. We're not in our twenties, to be sure. But neither are we in our eighties. If he keeps hobbling around like this, people are going to talk. As in, why is that young, svelte chick hanging around with that old geezer?

Ah. A gal can have delusions, can't she? Especially when her husband has trouble putting on his underwear.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go stitch bright yellow warning labels inside my husband's skivvies.

Friday Fricassee

To America: Happy Independence Day!

To Everyone: I'm so excited about your excitement. Our next Are You Hooked? is going to be stellar. And I've got to tell you how intensely satisfying it is to discover that some of you are hosting "practice" rounds and such, all in an effort to put forth your very best.

That's what it's about, isn't it? Always putting forth our best. And not only that, but constantly striving to raise the bar on what our "best" is, as well.

When I launched this blog a few months ago, I wasn't sure in which direction it would lead. I had a broad vision and just jumped in. In this short amount of time, I'm already amazed at what you have helped to create here.

Writers are a rare breed. I'm honored to be counted among you.

In an effort to continue to hone in on what makes a really strong first page, what if we use today's comment box to share what turns us off in a first page? That is, when you pick up a book because the title/cover intrigued you, what makes you close it again after reading those first two or three paragraphs? What do you hate? Why do you hate it? What makes you yawn?

For me, a fantasy that begins on the battlefield or on the brink of battle is a sure turn-off. It's also an almost-sure sign that the author is male. (No, seriously. Merc is a rare exception here. *wink*) I'd rather care about the characters before I watch them bleed, you know?

In nineteenth century literature, I expect a lot more backstory on the first page. But if it's too dry, too detailed for me to at least begin to be interested in the main character, I'll have trouble getting past it. A touch of humor always helps here (think Dickens, Austen).

"Mass fiction" (for lack of a better term) gets slammed shut if there is unwarranted profanity or blatant hedonism in the opening lines. I know immediately that I will not like a character who cares too much about himself and too little about others. Even if there's promise of a reform as the pages turn.

And one grammatical error -- even a teeny-tiny one -- is the dance of death. I am simply that anal about it, and have no intention of changing.

So. What about you? Let's learn about the "no-no's" so that we can, perhaps, apply them to our own writing.

Here's to the writing life!