TITLE:Lethal Injection
GENRE:Cozy Mystery
ENTRY: #3
When beloved science professor John Briggs from Northwest Chicago State is murdered the police suspect his colleagues. Biology secretary Hallie Peters, determined to protect her department, in-vestigates on her own. She discovers the victim's history of sexual assault and blackmail, finds the murderer, uncovers unsavory truths about colleagues, is nearly killed, and befriends the homicide detective. This book blends campus mystery with an urban setting for a unique spin on the popular college cozies.
NOTES: TECHNICALLY THIS ISN'T A BLURB BECAUSE IT REVEALS THE ENDING. ALSO, THE FINAL LINE ISN'T NECESSARY. A BLURB WILL INDICATE THE SPIN WITHOUT ACTUALLY DESCRIBING IT.
ALSO, THE BLURB SHOULD FOCUS ON YOUR MC, NOT THE MURDER VICTIM. RE-CAST THIS FOCUSING ON HALLIE.
"We got it!" cried Briggs, his tall, lanky form bursting through the office door.
"The grant?" asked Hallie, the biology department secretary.
NOTE: ASSUMING BRIGGS IS GANKED BY CHAPTER 2 OR 3, THIS FIRST PAGE NEEDS TO BE RECAST FROM HALLIE'S POV. SHE'S THE MC. YOU NEED TO EN-GAGE THE READER WITH HER ASAP.
THUS (AS A QUICK EXAMPLE): THE BIOLOGY DEPARTMENT OF NORTHWESTERN CHICAGO STATE UNIVERSITY WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ITS ANNUAL MAY CHA-OS. HALLIE PETERS GLARED AT THE "WORLD'S GREATEST ADMIN" NAMEPLATE ON HER DESK AND WONDERED FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME IF BAGGING GRO-CERIES WOULD BE LESS STRESSFUL.
THAT'S SILLY AND MIGHT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR CHARACTER'S MOTIVATION, BUT IT FOCUSES THE READER IMMEDIATELY ON THE MC.
"The whole thing!"
NOTE: WHILE EXCLAMATION POINTS ARE FROWNED ON IN PROSE, A FEW ARE ACCEPTABLE IN DIALOGUE-A VERY FEW. HAVE THE CHARACTERS' BODY LANGUAGE AND ACTIONS CONVEY THEIR EMOTION. FOR EXAMPLE: BRIGGS CAN APPEAR IN THE DOORWAY AND FLING THE GRANT PAPERS UP LIKE CON-FETTI. IF HE THEN SAYS, "WE GOT IT" WITH A GRIN ON HIS FACE, THE EXCITE-MENT IS CONVEYED BY THE ACTION.
"Wow," said Hallie, surprised and pleased. Dr. John Briggs was a the genetics professor in the Biology Department at Northwestern Chicago State University. "I thought they were going to cut it back."
He shook his head. "It looked that way for a while. Some evaluators on the board felt a commuter university didn't warrant that much sophisticated equipment. But with our recent spate of research grants, we'll...," He tented his fingers and rocked on his heels, enormously satisfied. Hallie smiled.
"Anyway, we need to have a celebration," he continued. "Get some champagne and some munchies. We'll meet in Lab 202 after last class this Thursday afternoon. Make sure everyone shows up! I'm going to let the Dean know." He saluted, winked, and was off.
Hallie smiled again, but she didn't have long to think after he left before a student showed up looking for an application to take the Masters Examination. It was the last requirement for the MS candidates. The student, Jamie Solotkin, had taken it once and not passed; he had two tries left. Jamie was a perfect example of the "C's get degrees" type of student, but he was a hard worker and had a positive attitude. Hallie liked Jamie and really wanted him to pass; if he didn't she was pretty sure he wouldn't be able to pass the final time with all the additional pressure.
NOTE: THERE NEEDS TO BE A COMPELLING REASON TO INTRODUCE A THIRD CHARACTER ON THE FIRST PAGE. DOES THIS STUDENT PLAY A MAJOR ROLE? IF SO, LET US KNOW WITHIN THESE 250 WORDS.
FOR EXAMPLE: "BRIGGS LEFT AND THE DEPARTMENT'S ETERNAL PROBLEM STUDENT APPEARED IN THE DOORWAY WITH HIS SHEEPISH SMILE AND PUPPY-DOG EYES. HALLIE LIKED JAMIE SOLOTKIN, BUT HE HAD ONLY ONE MORE CHANCE TO PASS THE MASTERS CANDIDATE EXAM."
SEE HOW I SHIFTED THE SCENE A BIT TO KEEP THE FOCUS MORE ON HALLIE? BUT AGAIN UNLESS THIS CHARACTER IS A MAJOR PLAYER, KEEP HIM OFF PAGE ONE.
OVERALL, THIS HAS POTENTIAL. THE COLLEGE SETTING ISN'T WIDELY USED, SO THERE'S A NICHE TO FILL. I SUGGEST GIVING US A STRONGER REASON TO ROOT FOR THE MC IN THIS FIRST PAGE. SINCE BRIGGS IS SCUM, DOES HE COME ON TO HER A LOT AND DOES SHE HAVE TO CONTINUALLY REPULSE HIM? THAT COULD HAPPED ON THIS PAGE. OR DOES SHE CARRY A TORCH FOR HIM BUT HE ONLY FLIRTS? OR DOES SHE ALREADY SUSPECT HE'S "OFF"? MAKE HER DO SOME-THING MORE IN CHARACTER HERE TO GET THE READER IN HER COURT. GOOD LUCK!
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Critique by Alice Loweecey: The Case of the Cat Crazy Lady
TITLE: The Case of the Cat Crazy Lady: A Rainbow Gardens Pet Mystery
GENRE: Cozy Mystery
NOTE: COZIES ARE KNOWN FOR "PUN" TITLES. I KEEP READING THE TITLE AS "CRAZY CAT LADY." I SUGGEST CHANGING THE TITLE TO THE STANDARD PHRASE.
Pitch: After Buttercup Bend's "Cat Crazy Lady," (SAME HERE: "CRAZY CAT LADY") Maggie Broom, is smothered to death in her home, Cathy Carter is stunned to learn that the animal shelter and pet cemetery she co-owns with her brother Doug is the recipient of the bulk of Maggie's estate. Sheriff Miller is convinced Maggie's estranged brother and sister are guilty of murder, but Cathy and her reporter friend, Nancy, set out to prove him wrong.
NOTE: THE PITCH IS RATHER CONVOLUTED. YOU HAVE A LOT OF NAMES IN THIS SHORT SPACE. WHEN YOU'RE READY TO QUERY THIS, FOCUS ON THE MC AND USE "THE SHERIFF" AND SUCH DESIGNATIONS FOR OTHER CHARACTERS.
Cathy stood before the tiny tombstone, a bouquet of spring flowers clutched in her hands. She bent down, tears in her eyes. Reading the inscription proved difficult. "Here lies Floppy, be-loved cat of Catherine Carter. Until we meet again on Rainbow Bridge. 2003-2015." NOTE: THIS IS WORDY. YOU ACHIEVE SYMPATHY FOR THE MC WITH HER DEAD CAT, BUT YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH IS VALUABLE TERRITORY. DON'T CLOG IT WITH THE LONG TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION.
Placing the flowers in front of the stone, she wiped her eyes with a tissue she fetched from the pocket of her blue cardigan. Growing up with cats and dogs and now being part owner of a pet cemetery, Cathy was familiar with the deep pain of losing a special animal friend. (I'D DELETE THIS SENTENCE AND WORK IT IN A LITTLE LATER. KEEP THE FIRST PAGE MOV-ING.) The handsome gray and white cat she'd had since the age of twelve left special pawprints on her heart. She would never forget Floppy. (THE "PAWPRINTS" LINE IS SUFFICIENT. THE LAST SENTENCE IS REDUNDANT) Hearing a low rustle. (THIS NEEDS A COMMA AND "SHE" SHOULDN'T BE CAPPED.) She glanced behind to see Oliver, the elderly Siamese she adopted two years ago after his ninety-year old owner passed away. (THIS INFO CAN BE MOVED TO SMOOTH THINGS OUT; SEE NEXT LINE.)
Oliver(, HER ELDERLY SIAMESE FOSTER,) approached on his cocoa paws meowing a loud call for attention. It echoed through the quiet cemetery. Cathy patted his head as he rubbed against her calf feeling his touch through the legs of her jeans.
"What are you doing out here, Oliver?" She was sure she'd closed the door behind her of the small house she shared with her grandmother. Cathy's question was answered by Gran whom she hadn't noticed standing on the patio with a watering can in her hands.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) "Catherine," the old woman called (COMMA) waving. She still wore her long nightgown but had put on gardening shoes. (WHY IS GRAN WEARING A NIGHTGOWN AND BOOTS IN PUBLIC? IS SHE A TOUCH SENILE? IF SHE IS, TELL US AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.) "I let out Oliver for some fresh air. I wanted to water the flowers. I hope we didn't startle you."
OVERALL THOUGHTS: THIS ESTABLISHES A SYMPATHETIC MC AND HITS THE FLUFFY PET POINT THAT IS BIG IN COZIES. HOWEVER, THE WRITING COULD USE TIGHTENING UP. A COZY DOESN'T REQUIRE A LOT OF ACTION AT THE BE-GINNING, BUT I SUGGEST SOMETHING ELSE TO ENGAGE THE READER. PERHAPS THE CAT COULD RUN THROUGH THE FLOWERS AND MAKE GRAN SHRIEK? OR A DOG COULD SNAP ITS LEASH AND CHASE THE CAT, AND THE MC COULD RE-MEMBER WHY SHE PREFERS CATS TO DOGS AS SHE'S DEALING WITH MINOR CHAOS AND THE DOG'S OWNER. WHATEVER IS BEST FOR THE CHARACTER. THIS HAS POTENTIAL. GOOD LUCK WITH IT.
GENRE: Cozy Mystery
NOTE: COZIES ARE KNOWN FOR "PUN" TITLES. I KEEP READING THE TITLE AS "CRAZY CAT LADY." I SUGGEST CHANGING THE TITLE TO THE STANDARD PHRASE.
Pitch: After Buttercup Bend's "Cat Crazy Lady," (SAME HERE: "CRAZY CAT LADY") Maggie Broom, is smothered to death in her home, Cathy Carter is stunned to learn that the animal shelter and pet cemetery she co-owns with her brother Doug is the recipient of the bulk of Maggie's estate. Sheriff Miller is convinced Maggie's estranged brother and sister are guilty of murder, but Cathy and her reporter friend, Nancy, set out to prove him wrong.
NOTE: THE PITCH IS RATHER CONVOLUTED. YOU HAVE A LOT OF NAMES IN THIS SHORT SPACE. WHEN YOU'RE READY TO QUERY THIS, FOCUS ON THE MC AND USE "THE SHERIFF" AND SUCH DESIGNATIONS FOR OTHER CHARACTERS.
Cathy stood before the tiny tombstone, a bouquet of spring flowers clutched in her hands. She bent down, tears in her eyes. Reading the inscription proved difficult. "Here lies Floppy, be-loved cat of Catherine Carter. Until we meet again on Rainbow Bridge. 2003-2015." NOTE: THIS IS WORDY. YOU ACHIEVE SYMPATHY FOR THE MC WITH HER DEAD CAT, BUT YOUR FIRST PARAGRAPH IS VALUABLE TERRITORY. DON'T CLOG IT WITH THE LONG TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION.
Placing the flowers in front of the stone, she wiped her eyes with a tissue she fetched from the pocket of her blue cardigan. Growing up with cats and dogs and now being part owner of a pet cemetery, Cathy was familiar with the deep pain of losing a special animal friend. (I'D DELETE THIS SENTENCE AND WORK IT IN A LITTLE LATER. KEEP THE FIRST PAGE MOV-ING.) The handsome gray and white cat she'd had since the age of twelve left special pawprints on her heart. She would never forget Floppy. (THE "PAWPRINTS" LINE IS SUFFICIENT. THE LAST SENTENCE IS REDUNDANT) Hearing a low rustle. (THIS NEEDS A COMMA AND "SHE" SHOULDN'T BE CAPPED.) She glanced behind to see Oliver, the elderly Siamese she adopted two years ago after his ninety-year old owner passed away. (THIS INFO CAN BE MOVED TO SMOOTH THINGS OUT; SEE NEXT LINE.)
Oliver(, HER ELDERLY SIAMESE FOSTER,) approached on his cocoa paws meowing a loud call for attention. It echoed through the quiet cemetery. Cathy patted his head as he rubbed against her calf feeling his touch through the legs of her jeans.
"What are you doing out here, Oliver?" She was sure she'd closed the door behind her of the small house she shared with her grandmother. Cathy's question was answered by Gran whom she hadn't noticed standing on the patio with a watering can in her hands.
(NEW PARAGRAPH) "Catherine," the old woman called (COMMA) waving. She still wore her long nightgown but had put on gardening shoes. (WHY IS GRAN WEARING A NIGHTGOWN AND BOOTS IN PUBLIC? IS SHE A TOUCH SENILE? IF SHE IS, TELL US AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.) "I let out Oliver for some fresh air. I wanted to water the flowers. I hope we didn't startle you."
OVERALL THOUGHTS: THIS ESTABLISHES A SYMPATHETIC MC AND HITS THE FLUFFY PET POINT THAT IS BIG IN COZIES. HOWEVER, THE WRITING COULD USE TIGHTENING UP. A COZY DOESN'T REQUIRE A LOT OF ACTION AT THE BE-GINNING, BUT I SUGGEST SOMETHING ELSE TO ENGAGE THE READER. PERHAPS THE CAT COULD RUN THROUGH THE FLOWERS AND MAKE GRAN SHRIEK? OR A DOG COULD SNAP ITS LEASH AND CHASE THE CAT, AND THE MC COULD RE-MEMBER WHY SHE PREFERS CATS TO DOGS AS SHE'S DEALING WITH MINOR CHAOS AND THE DOG'S OWNER. WHATEVER IS BEST FOR THE CHARACTER. THIS HAS POTENTIAL. GOOD LUCK WITH IT.
Critique by Holly Bodger: The Bea Team
TTITLE: THE BEA TEAM
GENRE: YA Contemporary
ENTRY: #30
Seventeen-year-old Bea serves up Southern fried dishes to win a food truck competition. But falling for a competitor was never on the menu. The stress of the romance and competing stir up Bull, her bulimia voice. Now it'll take the perfect recipe not only to become the winning chef, but also keep her girlfriend, and defeat Bull.
[THIS IS MISSING THE MOTIVATION. WHY DOES SHE NEED TO WIN THIS COMPETITION? I WOULD ALSO PREFER THAT YOU TELL US WHAT INCITES THIS GOAL BUT IT'S NOT COMPLETELY NECESSARY. FINALLY, I'M CONFUSED AS TO HOW WINNING WILL HELP HER KEEP HER GIRLFRIEND SINCE SHE'S HER COMPETITION.]
I inhale the celery and onion [THAT'S] mixed with crabmeat and fried to a honey brown. The spices from Bea's Bite, my own creation [TELLING], add just the right zest and kick. Perfect. They're [THE 'THEY' HERE IS REFERRING TO THE SPICES. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?] arranged on Nana's pink flower-patterned platter. I've set the table with the coordinating dishes as well-salad and dinner plates, sterling silverware, and the white linen napkins, the whole works. Normally Nana's china is reserved for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and when Daddy was alive, my parents' anniversary, but tonight I'm breaking the rules and hoping Momma won't mind.
She should be home in a few minutes. I go into the kitchen and get the salad and pitcher of sweet tea to carry to the table. After I set the bowl and pitcher down, there's only one thing left. I pick up the envelope with the same delicacy as if it's a sleeping baby [MAKE SURE SHE HAS A SLEEPING BABY IN HER LIFE IF YOU'RE USING THIS METAPHOR] and set it in between the two plates.
The manila envelope came this afternoon after six long months of waiting. I wanted to rip it open at the mailbox, but decided I didn't want to read the letter alone. Whatever news it's delivering needs a proper meal. Everything in life is better with a proper meal. [IS THIS HER BELIEF OR HER MOMMA'S? IF IT'S SOMETHING HER MOMMA OR DADDY TAUGHT HER, TELL US THIS].
The day I learned to ride a bike, Daddy and I made lasagna with homemade garlic sticks. He showed me how to make noodles. Closing my eyes, I can still hear his laughter when I rolled the first batch too thick, and he said I was destined to be like Julia Child.
[I REALLY LIKE THIS. THE ONLY THING THAT'S MISSING IS SOME KIND OF HINT AT THE BULIMIA. THE OPENING IS ALL ABOUT INTRODUCING YOUR MAIN CHARACTER SO IF THIS IS HER FLAW, I WANT AT LEAST A HINT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST FEW PAGES. IT WOULD ALSO BE NICE TO GET A TAD MORE EMOTION ABOUT THE ENVELOPE. IS SHE NERVOUS? EXCITED? TOTALLY FREAKING OUT?]
GENRE: YA Contemporary
ENTRY: #30
Seventeen-year-old Bea serves up Southern fried dishes to win a food truck competition. But falling for a competitor was never on the menu. The stress of the romance and competing stir up Bull, her bulimia voice. Now it'll take the perfect recipe not only to become the winning chef, but also keep her girlfriend, and defeat Bull.
[THIS IS MISSING THE MOTIVATION. WHY DOES SHE NEED TO WIN THIS COMPETITION? I WOULD ALSO PREFER THAT YOU TELL US WHAT INCITES THIS GOAL BUT IT'S NOT COMPLETELY NECESSARY. FINALLY, I'M CONFUSED AS TO HOW WINNING WILL HELP HER KEEP HER GIRLFRIEND SINCE SHE'S HER COMPETITION.]
I inhale the celery and onion [THAT'S] mixed with crabmeat and fried to a honey brown. The spices from Bea's Bite, my own creation [TELLING], add just the right zest and kick. Perfect. They're [THE 'THEY' HERE IS REFERRING TO THE SPICES. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN?] arranged on Nana's pink flower-patterned platter. I've set the table with the coordinating dishes as well-salad and dinner plates, sterling silverware, and the white linen napkins, the whole works. Normally Nana's china is reserved for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and when Daddy was alive, my parents' anniversary, but tonight I'm breaking the rules and hoping Momma won't mind.
She should be home in a few minutes. I go into the kitchen and get the salad and pitcher of sweet tea to carry to the table. After I set the bowl and pitcher down, there's only one thing left. I pick up the envelope with the same delicacy as if it's a sleeping baby [MAKE SURE SHE HAS A SLEEPING BABY IN HER LIFE IF YOU'RE USING THIS METAPHOR] and set it in between the two plates.
The manila envelope came this afternoon after six long months of waiting. I wanted to rip it open at the mailbox, but decided I didn't want to read the letter alone. Whatever news it's delivering needs a proper meal. Everything in life is better with a proper meal. [IS THIS HER BELIEF OR HER MOMMA'S? IF IT'S SOMETHING HER MOMMA OR DADDY TAUGHT HER, TELL US THIS].
The day I learned to ride a bike, Daddy and I made lasagna with homemade garlic sticks. He showed me how to make noodles. Closing my eyes, I can still hear his laughter when I rolled the first batch too thick, and he said I was destined to be like Julia Child.
[I REALLY LIKE THIS. THE ONLY THING THAT'S MISSING IS SOME KIND OF HINT AT THE BULIMIA. THE OPENING IS ALL ABOUT INTRODUCING YOUR MAIN CHARACTER SO IF THIS IS HER FLAW, I WANT AT LEAST A HINT ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST FEW PAGES. IT WOULD ALSO BE NICE TO GET A TAD MORE EMOTION ABOUT THE ENVELOPE. IS SHE NERVOUS? EXCITED? TOTALLY FREAKING OUT?]
Critique by Holly Bodger: Aloha
Title: ALOHA
Genre: YA Contemporary
Entry number #17
The Pitch:
Look up the word survivor and you'll find Honor Washington's photo. She's survived being raped, two counts of justifiable homicide and the indifference of her hoarding mother. But what might kill her is the dream she's after, because in order to achieve it, she's made her town's worse enemy her new best friend. [I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THIS DREAM IS SINCE THIS IS HER GOAL AND WHAT WILL SUSTAIN THE STORY]
I killed my first person [I FIND THIS USE OF PERSON A LITTLE DETACHED] at age twelve. I aimed my dad's Glock, drew in a breath to steady my hands and pulled the trigger. The bullet hit dead center in the back of Tony Pendrick's head. His body rolled off my mother and thudded to the floor.
The police were astonished at my accuracy considering Pendrick [HAD] just raped me. [THIS IS ALSO VERY DETACHED. I WOULD BE VERY CAREFUL DOING THIS WITH RAPE. IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL AND YOUR READERS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONNECT WITH THAT BELIEF]
I killed my second person five years later.
A 9 mm slug between his eyes.
"Nice shot, Honor," Police Chief Washington said.
I knelt beside him on the sidewalk and pressed my shirt over the massive hole in his stomach. "Don't talk." [I'M CONFUSED HERE. IF SHE SHOT HIM BETWEEN THE EYES, WHY IS SHE PRESSING ON A HOLE IN HIS STOMACH?]
Bystanders moved around us. "I've called 911."
"Here's a blanket."
"Hang in there, Chief. You'll be okay." [I'VE READ THIS A FEW TIMES NOW AND I THINK MAYBE CHIEF HAS BEEN SHOT TOO BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE SECOND PERSON SHE KILLED SINCE IT'S NOT HIM. I THINK YOU NEED TO CONNECT THE DOTS MORE. DID THE 2ND GUY SHOOT CHIEF AFTER SHE SHOT HIM? YOU HAVE TO TELL US THIS].
"Rich? Where's Rich?" Chief Washington asked.
The deputy crowded in next to me. "Right here, sir. Everything's going to be fine."
"Cal?" "Cal Smite is dead, sir. He's done terrorizing people."
"Make sure the report gets written up right. Make sure they know Honor fired in self-defense."
"We've got witnesses, sir. We'll take care of it."
[I'M HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH ALL THIS DIALOGUE. IS ANY OF IT HERS OR ARE THESE ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE SPEAKING TO OTHER DIFFERENT PEOPLE? I THINK YOU NEED TO TAG IT A LITTLE SO WE KNOW WHO IS TALKING TO WHO.]
"Stop talking," I said. I pressed harder on his wound. Blood spurted out from under my shirt and covered my hands.
Chief Washington grabbed Rich's shirt. "Your word, Rich. No charges. No dragging Honor's name through the press. You keep an eye out too. You understand? You'll be in charge now."
Rich squeezed the chief's shoulder. "Yes, sir…Dwayne. I promise. Don't worry."
Chief Washington gasped like a fish out of water. His eyes were losing
[THIS KIND OF SCENE IS A GOOD WAY TO CONNECT THE READER WITH YOUR MAIN CHARACTER. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALL BACK STORY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO START WITH BACKSTORY. FIND A WAY TO GIVE US ACTION IN HER CURRENT STATE AND THEN WEAVE IN THIS BACKSTORY WHEN IT MATTERS. ALSO, TRY TO BE CAREFUL HOW MANY CHARACTERS YOU INTRODUCE ON THE FIRST PAGE. I THINK THERE ARE 7 HERE WHICH IS A LOT TO REMEMBER IN ONE PAGE.]
Genre: YA Contemporary
Entry number #17
The Pitch:
Look up the word survivor and you'll find Honor Washington's photo. She's survived being raped, two counts of justifiable homicide and the indifference of her hoarding mother. But what might kill her is the dream she's after, because in order to achieve it, she's made her town's worse enemy her new best friend. [I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT THIS DREAM IS SINCE THIS IS HER GOAL AND WHAT WILL SUSTAIN THE STORY]
I killed my first person [I FIND THIS USE OF PERSON A LITTLE DETACHED] at age twelve. I aimed my dad's Glock, drew in a breath to steady my hands and pulled the trigger. The bullet hit dead center in the back of Tony Pendrick's head. His body rolled off my mother and thudded to the floor.
The police were astonished at my accuracy considering Pendrick [HAD] just raped me. [THIS IS ALSO VERY DETACHED. I WOULD BE VERY CAREFUL DOING THIS WITH RAPE. IT MAKES IT SEEM LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL AND YOUR READERS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO CONNECT WITH THAT BELIEF]
I killed my second person five years later.
A 9 mm slug between his eyes.
"Nice shot, Honor," Police Chief Washington said.
I knelt beside him on the sidewalk and pressed my shirt over the massive hole in his stomach. "Don't talk." [I'M CONFUSED HERE. IF SHE SHOT HIM BETWEEN THE EYES, WHY IS SHE PRESSING ON A HOLE IN HIS STOMACH?]
Bystanders moved around us. "I've called 911."
"Here's a blanket."
"Hang in there, Chief. You'll be okay." [I'VE READ THIS A FEW TIMES NOW AND I THINK MAYBE CHIEF HAS BEEN SHOT TOO BUT I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS HAS TO DO WITH THE SECOND PERSON SHE KILLED SINCE IT'S NOT HIM. I THINK YOU NEED TO CONNECT THE DOTS MORE. DID THE 2ND GUY SHOOT CHIEF AFTER SHE SHOT HIM? YOU HAVE TO TELL US THIS].
"Rich? Where's Rich?" Chief Washington asked.
The deputy crowded in next to me. "Right here, sir. Everything's going to be fine."
"Cal?" "Cal Smite is dead, sir. He's done terrorizing people."
"Make sure the report gets written up right. Make sure they know Honor fired in self-defense."
"We've got witnesses, sir. We'll take care of it."
[I'M HAVING TROUBLE KEEPING UP WITH ALL THIS DIALOGUE. IS ANY OF IT HERS OR ARE THESE ALL DIFFERENT PEOPLE SPEAKING TO OTHER DIFFERENT PEOPLE? I THINK YOU NEED TO TAG IT A LITTLE SO WE KNOW WHO IS TALKING TO WHO.]
"Stop talking," I said. I pressed harder on his wound. Blood spurted out from under my shirt and covered my hands.
Chief Washington grabbed Rich's shirt. "Your word, Rich. No charges. No dragging Honor's name through the press. You keep an eye out too. You understand? You'll be in charge now."
Rich squeezed the chief's shoulder. "Yes, sir…Dwayne. I promise. Don't worry."
Chief Washington gasped like a fish out of water. His eyes were losing
[THIS KIND OF SCENE IS A GOOD WAY TO CONNECT THE READER WITH YOUR MAIN CHARACTER. UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S ALL BACK STORY AND YOU DON'T WANT TO START WITH BACKSTORY. FIND A WAY TO GIVE US ACTION IN HER CURRENT STATE AND THEN WEAVE IN THIS BACKSTORY WHEN IT MATTERS. ALSO, TRY TO BE CAREFUL HOW MANY CHARACTERS YOU INTRODUCE ON THE FIRST PAGE. I THINK THERE ARE 7 HERE WHICH IS A LOT TO REMEMBER IN ONE PAGE.]
Critique by Holly Bodger: The Nine Deaths of Mr. Wiggles
Title: The Nine Deaths of Mr. Wiggles
Genre: YA Short Story Humor Entry #36
The pitch: Thane is a Grim Reaper cursed to faint at the sight of blood - causing him to fail at his job. He currently hunts after the soul of one elusive cat named Mr. Wiggles. Thane needs this soul in hopes of defeating his curse or else he will be stuck on bug duty for eternity.
The Beginning
Crap, thought Thane. In the recent years [YOU SAY IT'S BEEN 100 YEARS LATER SO I'M CONFUSED WHAT IS DIFFERENT FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS], that one word summarized his career, relationships, and his life. It defined his current day. The word perfectly described the substance which smothered his face too. He pushed himself off the ground, feeling the brown muck fall off in gooey clumps and unto his clothes. At least it was not fresh and warm. [I LIKE THIS OPENING BUT I THINK THE ORDER IS WRONG. YOU WANT TO GIVE THE READER THE SENSATION BEFORE THE THOUGHT. GIVE US THE FEELING OF THE WARM MUCK AND THEN HAVE HIM THINK ABOUT HOW THIS MUCK REPRESENTS HIS CAREER].
Blah. [I THINK YOU PROBABLY WANT SOMETHING MORE LIKE YUCK OR BLUCK HERE]
He couldn't help but throw up [I LIKE THAT YOU HAVE A CHARACTER WHO CAN HANDLE DEATH BUT NOT POOP BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO POINT OUT THAT IRONY HERE SOMEHOW]. Even with bile and a cow's mud pie [I WOULD SAY MANURE HERE. PEOPLE DON'T GENERALLY USE POLITE METAPHORS IN THEIR OWN HEAD LIKE THIS…TEENS DEFINTELY DON'T] covering him, he would finish this job. The success of this task would wash away any shame or failures. It would help redeem him. He straightened himself, took a few deep breaths and looked at the hay piles and chickens in the poorly lit mow area of the barn. The little pussy [CHANGE THIS WORD. IT MEANS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT IN NORTH AMERICA!] got away. Again. This was the second time it ran away. His current job required him to hunt after a strong soul of a young cat. Though today, his feline prey seemed luckier than hell. Thane would do anything to get his hands on the cat's luck [IS THIS HIS MOTIVATION FOR THE ENTIRE STORY? IF SO, I THINK WE NEED A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ON WHY HE WANTS IT]. He would be willing to find out if this cat's paw held more luck than the rabbit's foot tied to Thane's belt. The rabbit's foot had been in efficient today.
Thane swore he [HE'D] stay on this farm until he caught and permanently sliced with his scythe the ties of the cat's soul to the body. Failure of harvesting souls filled his last hundred years. He used to be one of the more successful reapers for centuries. He had started the whole hooded garb and not showing your face to your victims. It would horrify people to their deaths who weren't even on the list to die yet. He put awe into artists to draw him as the universal symbol of reapers. Now, he was the lowest rank reaper, his design mocked as a cheap Halloween costume. His pride made him wear it year-round. Fashion always come back in style he would say.
He searched the red barn and its pens for the brown and yellow striped cat. [I THINK THIS LINE NEEDS TO COME A LOT EARLIER (LIKE WHEN HE'S SEARCHING THE HAY PILES). THE READER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR BEFORE HE THINKS ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE TO FIND IT] The animals remained silent and nothing shifted in the rafters above. His target could not have gone far.
I REALLY LIKE THIS STORY BUT HAVE A COUPLE OVERALL CONCERNS:
1) IT SOUNDS A LITTLE MORE ADULT THAN YA, PROBABLY BECAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTER HAS A CAREER AND RELATIONSHIPS. YOU MIGHT NEED TO FIND A WAY TO SHOW US HIS REAL AGE SO WE SEE THAT IT'S TEEN. THE VOICE SOUNDS YOUNG ENOUGH SO I THINK THIS IS JUST A MATTER OF TELLING US HE'S A TEEN WHO HAS BEEN ALIVE FOR A FEW HUNDRED YEARS (OR WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE).
2) IF THE MAIN GOAL OF THIS ENTIRE STORY IS TO CATCH THE CAT, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALREADY EXIST ON PAGE ONE. THIS GOAL HAS TO BE INCITED AFTER THE SETUP (NORMALLY ABOUT 10-15% IN).
Genre: YA Short Story Humor Entry #36
The pitch: Thane is a Grim Reaper cursed to faint at the sight of blood - causing him to fail at his job. He currently hunts after the soul of one elusive cat named Mr. Wiggles. Thane needs this soul in hopes of defeating his curse or else he will be stuck on bug duty for eternity.
The Beginning
Crap, thought Thane. In the recent years [YOU SAY IT'S BEEN 100 YEARS LATER SO I'M CONFUSED WHAT IS DIFFERENT FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS], that one word summarized his career, relationships, and his life. It defined his current day. The word perfectly described the substance which smothered his face too. He pushed himself off the ground, feeling the brown muck fall off in gooey clumps and unto his clothes. At least it was not fresh and warm. [I LIKE THIS OPENING BUT I THINK THE ORDER IS WRONG. YOU WANT TO GIVE THE READER THE SENSATION BEFORE THE THOUGHT. GIVE US THE FEELING OF THE WARM MUCK AND THEN HAVE HIM THINK ABOUT HOW THIS MUCK REPRESENTS HIS CAREER].
Blah. [I THINK YOU PROBABLY WANT SOMETHING MORE LIKE YUCK OR BLUCK HERE]
He couldn't help but throw up [I LIKE THAT YOU HAVE A CHARACTER WHO CAN HANDLE DEATH BUT NOT POOP BUT I THINK YOU NEED TO POINT OUT THAT IRONY HERE SOMEHOW]. Even with bile and a cow's mud pie [I WOULD SAY MANURE HERE. PEOPLE DON'T GENERALLY USE POLITE METAPHORS IN THEIR OWN HEAD LIKE THIS…TEENS DEFINTELY DON'T] covering him, he would finish this job. The success of this task would wash away any shame or failures. It would help redeem him. He straightened himself, took a few deep breaths and looked at the hay piles and chickens in the poorly lit mow area of the barn. The little pussy [CHANGE THIS WORD. IT MEANS SOMETHING VERY DIFFERENT IN NORTH AMERICA!] got away. Again. This was the second time it ran away. His current job required him to hunt after a strong soul of a young cat. Though today, his feline prey seemed luckier than hell. Thane would do anything to get his hands on the cat's luck [IS THIS HIS MOTIVATION FOR THE ENTIRE STORY? IF SO, I THINK WE NEED A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ON WHY HE WANTS IT]. He would be willing to find out if this cat's paw held more luck than the rabbit's foot tied to Thane's belt. The rabbit's foot had been in efficient today.
Thane swore he [HE'D] stay on this farm until he caught and permanently sliced with his scythe the ties of the cat's soul to the body. Failure of harvesting souls filled his last hundred years. He used to be one of the more successful reapers for centuries. He had started the whole hooded garb and not showing your face to your victims. It would horrify people to their deaths who weren't even on the list to die yet. He put awe into artists to draw him as the universal symbol of reapers. Now, he was the lowest rank reaper, his design mocked as a cheap Halloween costume. His pride made him wear it year-round. Fashion always come back in style he would say.
He searched the red barn and its pens for the brown and yellow striped cat. [I THINK THIS LINE NEEDS TO COME A LOT EARLIER (LIKE WHEN HE'S SEARCHING THE HAY PILES). THE READER NEEDS TO KNOW WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR BEFORE HE THINKS ABOUT HIS STRUGGLE TO FIND IT] The animals remained silent and nothing shifted in the rafters above. His target could not have gone far.
I REALLY LIKE THIS STORY BUT HAVE A COUPLE OVERALL CONCERNS:
1) IT SOUNDS A LITTLE MORE ADULT THAN YA, PROBABLY BECAUSE THE MAIN CHARACTER HAS A CAREER AND RELATIONSHIPS. YOU MIGHT NEED TO FIND A WAY TO SHOW US HIS REAL AGE SO WE SEE THAT IT'S TEEN. THE VOICE SOUNDS YOUNG ENOUGH SO I THINK THIS IS JUST A MATTER OF TELLING US HE'S A TEEN WHO HAS BEEN ALIVE FOR A FEW HUNDRED YEARS (OR WHATEVER THE CASE MAY BE).
2) IF THE MAIN GOAL OF THIS ENTIRE STORY IS TO CATCH THE CAT, YOU CAN'T HAVE IT ALREADY EXIST ON PAGE ONE. THIS GOAL HAS TO BE INCITED AFTER THE SETUP (NORMALLY ABOUT 10-15% IN).
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