TITLE: Dragon Girl
GENRE: Fantasy
ENTRY: #23
Pitch: Dragons disappeared a long time ago. When they wake from a 150 year hibernation they release magic into a world that has forgotten magic existed. One dragon’s magic pushes him to expose their existence to humans. One girl is ridiculed for believing that dragons are intelligent creatures instead of plague-ridden beasts. Both struggle to control their new magical powers and break free from the bonds of family oppression to save dragons from extinction, again.
Day 1. After the Long Sleep
Dragons didn’t dream.
But Gregor was trapped in a world that couldn’t possibly be real.
The human, Jason had told him all about dreams. Human minds needed them to store their memories. Dragons, with their six minds, stored and analyzed information continuously. Only Seers had visions, and they were rare. [THERE ARE INTRIGUING HINTS OF THE WORLD HERE THAT MAKE ME WANT TO KNOW MORE. HOWEVER, I FIRST WANT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT GREGOR AND THIS WORLD HE’S TRAPPED IN. I WANT TO *CARE* ABOUT GREGOR BEFORE I CAN CARE ABOUT THE WORLD.]
Gregor caught a warm thermal and flew through an impossibly brilliant blue sky. In the distance lurked cirrus clouds, black instead of white. Faint rainbows rippled through the wisps, making them appear more fluid than mist. [THE ITALICS MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THIS IS A VISION OR A FLASHBACK—SOMETHING DIFFERENT FROM GREGOR’S MUSINGS IN THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH. THAT CAN BE CONFUSING FOR THE READER AT THE BEGINNING OF A NOVEL.]
It wasn’t a vision. The smooth glide of wind over his wings felt all too real, but his last memory was of entering the lake containing the Source of Magic, along with the rest of his coven. They all slept at the bottom of the lake.
His knowledge made no difference, he couldn’t break his mind free to see the real world.
Nutmeg, a human spice, filled his nostrils. His power trying to tell him something important.
He tilted his left wing to follow the scent. Ever since his power had manifested a year ago, shortly after he turned sixteen, his sense of smell became his guide. Sometimes it warned him of danger, and other times it led him to safety.
He’d followed the tantalizing scent of lilac to the Source of Magic when his coven searched for a way to survive the plague. A hundred and twenty-seven dragons had followed him.
He still hoped he’d done the right thing.
EDITORIAL
I love the world this is setting up, and the writing is clean and strong. My one major critique is in my second comment above. Starting a novel is a tricky thing, because the reader doesn’t know a thing about your characters, your story, or your world. It’s even trickier in fantasy where you have to convey how your world differs from the normal world without infodumping and losing reader interest entirely.
You’ve done a great job not infodumping (my first comment above is more a warning than a critique). Now, you need to make sure that you ground the reader before switching up the time or scene. As written, it’s unclear whether Gregor is remembering something that happened to get him where he is now or whether it’s action that IS happening now, and that can be hard for the reader to track.
I will say that, if I were an agent, I would still eat this up. Good job and good luck!
--
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Critique by Adam Heine: All the Time in the World
TITLE: All the Time in the World
GENRE: YA Sci-fi
ENTRY: #6
Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Derek has only two goals in life: play major league baseball and marry his best friend, Corinne. When a spacetime glitch pulls his future kids into the present, he learns he didn’t marry Corinne, but his abrasive, STEM rival, Michelle. Now forced to play house with a girl he hates, Derek slowly grows more attached to his imperfect family, prompting him to choose between the life he envisioned and the life he never saw coming.
Derek Lyttle’s daughter, Deirdre has all the time in the world.
Sometimes, it’s a terrible burden.
They say time is a relative concept, used to push the world along, a measurement of self-worth and importance. Deirdre closes her eyes, feeling the clock at work.
April 3rd, 2029. 7:20 pm.
She has a day planner, a watch, an alarm clock, a daily routine, all tools to keep her life in order.
Except time isn’t natural. Animals don’t use planners. Trees don’t wear watches. Fish don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve. Only humans chart the days ahead, which means they recognize someday, printed on a distant calendar, that their lives will end, and they’ll be gone.
But the question will remain: Did they make the time count? [I LIKE THE INSIGHTS ON TIME SO FAR, BUT THIS ONE FEELS LIKE TOO MUCH. IT FEELS LIKE STATING THE THEME OF THE NOVEL BEFORE WE EVEN KNOW WHO OR WHAT THE NOVEL IS ABOUT.]
Deirdre thinks about her mother, a woman who uses her time well. There’s rarely a moment where Michelle Lyttle hasn’t locked herself in the drafty basement, beneath the light fixtures that blink and buzz, welding panels together, so her employer’s exploratory rover can withstand Mars’ frigid temperatures without cracking. [AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS WAS SET ON MARS. A MENTION OF SETTING EARLIER ON WOULD HELP THIS.]
Michelle [IT FEELS WEIRD TO BE “IN” DEIRDRE’S HEAD YET HAVE HER MENTALLY REFER TO HER MOTHER BY HER FIRST NAME.] says being a good engineer requires hard work and vision. But to be a great engineer, you need perseverance. And time.
Which is why Michelle keeps busy, making dinner for her family but never eating, foregoing date night with her husband to install new wheel cylinders in her model, skipping movie marathons with her children and meteor showers beneath the Oregon sky.
EDITORIAL LETTER
I like the writing, and I love the insights on time. I would read on, but there are two things that would make me skeptical while doing so.
The first is that both the pitch and the opening line led me to believe this story would be about Derek. As a result, it was confusing to realize that we were in Dierdre’s head instead. That small amount of confusion can often be enough for an agent or reader to drop a book in favor of the dozens of other options they have to get through in a busy day.
The second is that we learn very little about Dierdre on this page. We learn a couple of things in a few one-line paragraphs (be careful with those, by the way; it’s real easy to overuse them, as I think you may be doing here), but the rest of it is just Dierdre musing about time and then her mother. If we’re in Dierdre’s head, we should know more about her as soon as possible—what are her goals, her struggles, and why does she have all the time in the world? If the story’s not about her, then maybe we shouldn’t be in her head.
As I said, though, I would read on. There’s a lot of promise here, and based on the pitch, I’m curious about where it will go.
GENRE: YA Sci-fi
ENTRY: #6
Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Derek has only two goals in life: play major league baseball and marry his best friend, Corinne. When a spacetime glitch pulls his future kids into the present, he learns he didn’t marry Corinne, but his abrasive, STEM rival, Michelle. Now forced to play house with a girl he hates, Derek slowly grows more attached to his imperfect family, prompting him to choose between the life he envisioned and the life he never saw coming.
Derek Lyttle’s daughter, Deirdre has all the time in the world.
Sometimes, it’s a terrible burden.
They say time is a relative concept, used to push the world along, a measurement of self-worth and importance. Deirdre closes her eyes, feeling the clock at work.
April 3rd, 2029. 7:20 pm.
She has a day planner, a watch, an alarm clock, a daily routine, all tools to keep her life in order.
Except time isn’t natural. Animals don’t use planners. Trees don’t wear watches. Fish don’t celebrate New Year’s Eve. Only humans chart the days ahead, which means they recognize someday, printed on a distant calendar, that their lives will end, and they’ll be gone.
But the question will remain: Did they make the time count? [I LIKE THE INSIGHTS ON TIME SO FAR, BUT THIS ONE FEELS LIKE TOO MUCH. IT FEELS LIKE STATING THE THEME OF THE NOVEL BEFORE WE EVEN KNOW WHO OR WHAT THE NOVEL IS ABOUT.]
Deirdre thinks about her mother, a woman who uses her time well. There’s rarely a moment where Michelle Lyttle hasn’t locked herself in the drafty basement, beneath the light fixtures that blink and buzz, welding panels together, so her employer’s exploratory rover can withstand Mars’ frigid temperatures without cracking. [AT FIRST, I THOUGHT THIS WAS SET ON MARS. A MENTION OF SETTING EARLIER ON WOULD HELP THIS.]
Michelle [IT FEELS WEIRD TO BE “IN” DEIRDRE’S HEAD YET HAVE HER MENTALLY REFER TO HER MOTHER BY HER FIRST NAME.] says being a good engineer requires hard work and vision. But to be a great engineer, you need perseverance. And time.
Which is why Michelle keeps busy, making dinner for her family but never eating, foregoing date night with her husband to install new wheel cylinders in her model, skipping movie marathons with her children and meteor showers beneath the Oregon sky.
EDITORIAL LETTER
I like the writing, and I love the insights on time. I would read on, but there are two things that would make me skeptical while doing so.
The first is that both the pitch and the opening line led me to believe this story would be about Derek. As a result, it was confusing to realize that we were in Dierdre’s head instead. That small amount of confusion can often be enough for an agent or reader to drop a book in favor of the dozens of other options they have to get through in a busy day.
The second is that we learn very little about Dierdre on this page. We learn a couple of things in a few one-line paragraphs (be careful with those, by the way; it’s real easy to overuse them, as I think you may be doing here), but the rest of it is just Dierdre musing about time and then her mother. If we’re in Dierdre’s head, we should know more about her as soon as possible—what are her goals, her struggles, and why does she have all the time in the world? If the story’s not about her, then maybe we shouldn’t be in her head.
As I said, though, I would read on. There’s a lot of promise here, and based on the pitch, I’m curious about where it will go.
Critique by Adam Heine: Flying Ships and Shadows Sweep
TITLE: Flying Ships and Shadows Sweep
GENRE: MG Fantasy (steampunk)
ENTRY: #25
Shumisha is the Izan’s chimney sweep. She helps the mates gather shadows to fuel the magical engine driving their flying ship.
When Shumisha realizes that the captain traps human shadows, she decides to do everything in her power to free them. People without their shadows vanish into thin air. The problem is she can’t touch tangible things or talk to people. In fact, she’s a shadow herself.
The sailors had gathered around on the upper deck of the Izan, Morocco’s most feared airship. They sorted the shadows they had stolen. The yawing of the ship, tilted by a new cargo [YAW IS HORIZONTAL ROTATION AROUND A VERTICAL AXIS, NOT TILTING. I THINK YOU MEAN ROLL. IN AN AIRSHIP-BASED NOVEL, YOU’VE GOT TO GET THAT KIND OF DETAIL RIGHT.], warned Shumisha of their arrival. The commotion meant only one thing: sailors getting ready to drag the shadows to the furnace and start the magical engine. Argh, no one had come to fetch her. She shook her head. How could they trap shadows without her magical powers? The men’s boots clanked on the turtle shell shaped roof covering the third deck with much force than necessary. Still, they dragged something heavy above her head [THIS IS THE FIRST STRONG CLUE THAT SHUMISHA IS NOT WITH THE SAILORS, BUT THE SECOND SENTENCE IMPLIES THAT SHE IS THERE (BECAUSE SHE “SEES” WHAT THEY’RE DOING. CONSEQUENTLY, IT’S CONFUSING WHERE THE PROTAGONIST IS IN RELATION TO EVERYTHING ELSE.], something unusually heavy. What for all the sailing seas were they up to? [I LIKE THIS BIT OF SLANG (I MEAN, I WOULD). NOTE THAT IT IMPLIES SAILING ON THE SEAS, NOT IN THE SKIES. HOPEFULLY, THAT’S INTENTIONAL.] Their curses reached her ears as the words spiraled down the three decks.
“Too scrawny,” said Captain Hasraban. “Throw it overboard.”
A dark shape passed in front of the first deck’s porthole, near Shumisha. These shadows were more trouble than they had signed up for.
Thankfully, the poor shadow would survive the few hundred feet drop that separated the Izan from the desert town beneath. Unfortunately, it would wander endlessly in the desert with only a slight chance of finding its owner.
Shumisha shook her head. The captain has gone mad!
She crouched in the semi-darkness of the staircase, wishing Moroccans would take more naps and keep their shadows tucked inside their homes during the hot parts of the day. That way, Captain Hasraban’s sailors wouldn’t steal from them.
EDITORIAL LETTER
There are intriguing bits of the world presented here. “What for all the sailing seas,” for example, or the brief explanation of what happens to the shadow that had been dropped. And the second-to-last sentence is a GREAT example of how to drop world-building hints without infodumping.
That said, there are some issues I see. As implied by one my comments above, there are confusing grounding issues. It’s difficult for the reader to tell where the protagonist is in relation to everything else, and the second sentence feels like a point-of-view error along with sentences like “These shadows were more trouble than they had signed up for.” (Is she thinking this on behalf of the sailors or is this meant to be an omniscient POV?) The end result is unfortunate confusion for the reader.
It also feels to me like there is sometimes TOO much dropped about the world. Most of it is fine—great even!—but world-building is a tricky balance. You have to treat it with a light hand and trust that your reader, even a middle-grade reader, will put the pieces together. (Putting the pieces together is one of the great joys of fantasy/sci-fi readers, in fact!)
For example, I feel the last sentence is telling a bit too much. The reader can figure this out (and most readers want to). On the opposite side, the line “How could they trap shadows without her magical powers?” feels like not enough information to me—it adds confusion that is not cleared up quickly enough (though it might be cleared up on the next page and isn’t so bad). In this case, I would say something like “How did they manage to trap shadows without her?” without mentioning magical powers, and then the magical powers can come up later. I’d also probably call them something less generic than “magical powers.”
See? Tricky balance. (And I’m sure other readers would even disagree with me!) But hopefully some of this is helpful. Good luck!
GENRE: MG Fantasy (steampunk)
ENTRY: #25
Shumisha is the Izan’s chimney sweep. She helps the mates gather shadows to fuel the magical engine driving their flying ship.
When Shumisha realizes that the captain traps human shadows, she decides to do everything in her power to free them. People without their shadows vanish into thin air. The problem is she can’t touch tangible things or talk to people. In fact, she’s a shadow herself.
The sailors had gathered around on the upper deck of the Izan, Morocco’s most feared airship. They sorted the shadows they had stolen. The yawing of the ship, tilted by a new cargo [YAW IS HORIZONTAL ROTATION AROUND A VERTICAL AXIS, NOT TILTING. I THINK YOU MEAN ROLL. IN AN AIRSHIP-BASED NOVEL, YOU’VE GOT TO GET THAT KIND OF DETAIL RIGHT.], warned Shumisha of their arrival. The commotion meant only one thing: sailors getting ready to drag the shadows to the furnace and start the magical engine. Argh, no one had come to fetch her. She shook her head. How could they trap shadows without her magical powers? The men’s boots clanked on the turtle shell shaped roof covering the third deck with much force than necessary. Still, they dragged something heavy above her head [THIS IS THE FIRST STRONG CLUE THAT SHUMISHA IS NOT WITH THE SAILORS, BUT THE SECOND SENTENCE IMPLIES THAT SHE IS THERE (BECAUSE SHE “SEES” WHAT THEY’RE DOING. CONSEQUENTLY, IT’S CONFUSING WHERE THE PROTAGONIST IS IN RELATION TO EVERYTHING ELSE.], something unusually heavy. What for all the sailing seas were they up to? [I LIKE THIS BIT OF SLANG (I MEAN, I WOULD). NOTE THAT IT IMPLIES SAILING ON THE SEAS, NOT IN THE SKIES. HOPEFULLY, THAT’S INTENTIONAL.] Their curses reached her ears as the words spiraled down the three decks.
“Too scrawny,” said Captain Hasraban. “Throw it overboard.”
A dark shape passed in front of the first deck’s porthole, near Shumisha. These shadows were more trouble than they had signed up for.
Thankfully, the poor shadow would survive the few hundred feet drop that separated the Izan from the desert town beneath. Unfortunately, it would wander endlessly in the desert with only a slight chance of finding its owner.
Shumisha shook her head. The captain has gone mad!
She crouched in the semi-darkness of the staircase, wishing Moroccans would take more naps and keep their shadows tucked inside their homes during the hot parts of the day. That way, Captain Hasraban’s sailors wouldn’t steal from them.
EDITORIAL LETTER
There are intriguing bits of the world presented here. “What for all the sailing seas,” for example, or the brief explanation of what happens to the shadow that had been dropped. And the second-to-last sentence is a GREAT example of how to drop world-building hints without infodumping.
That said, there are some issues I see. As implied by one my comments above, there are confusing grounding issues. It’s difficult for the reader to tell where the protagonist is in relation to everything else, and the second sentence feels like a point-of-view error along with sentences like “These shadows were more trouble than they had signed up for.” (Is she thinking this on behalf of the sailors or is this meant to be an omniscient POV?) The end result is unfortunate confusion for the reader.
It also feels to me like there is sometimes TOO much dropped about the world. Most of it is fine—great even!—but world-building is a tricky balance. You have to treat it with a light hand and trust that your reader, even a middle-grade reader, will put the pieces together. (Putting the pieces together is one of the great joys of fantasy/sci-fi readers, in fact!)
For example, I feel the last sentence is telling a bit too much. The reader can figure this out (and most readers want to). On the opposite side, the line “How could they trap shadows without her magical powers?” feels like not enough information to me—it adds confusion that is not cleared up quickly enough (though it might be cleared up on the next page and isn’t so bad). In this case, I would say something like “How did they manage to trap shadows without her?” without mentioning magical powers, and then the magical powers can come up later. I’d also probably call them something less generic than “magical powers.”
See? Tricky balance. (And I’m sure other readers would even disagree with me!) But hopefully some of this is helpful. Good luck!
Critique by Erin Beaty: Truth in the Treetops
TITLE: Truth in the Treetops
GENRE: YA Contemporary
ENTRY: #12
Pitch:
For Gabby, a dedicated, but sometimes obsessive cross-country runner, junior year is her time to shine. College recruiters. Scholarships. Besting her impossibly skinny rivals. But eerie encounters in the woods the summer before school starts and CJ, a cute guy with the same quirky taste in music—just might put a wrench in her plans. See, CJ has a secret and it’s connected to what’s going on in the woods. And to Gabby.
GOOD: IMMEDIATELY UNDERSTAND GABBY, USE OF 3 EXAMPLES, TASTE IN MUSIC AS A CONNECTION, VERY COMPACT AND CLEAR
IF THERE’S A SIMPLE/EASY WAY TO GIVE AN EXAMPLE OR ELEMENT OF THE EERIE ENCOUNTERS, THAT WOULD BE MORE INTRIGUING.
I’M NOT USUALLY A CONTEMPORARY PERSON, BUT AS A PARENT AND AS A FORMER TEEN, I’VE BEEN IN THE THICK OF CROSS-COUNTRY AND COLLEGE STUFF, SO IT GOT ME.
Sweltering heat bakes my skin as I shuffle along the narrow path, the hot breeze offering no relief. BIT OF ADJECTIVE OVERLOAD I uncap my water bottle and chug the last drop of tepid liquid. SMALL THING, BUT YOU CAN’T CHUG A DROP OF WATER. Eight miles at cross-country practice and now this. DOES “THIS” REFER TO THE HEAT OR THE WATER? Ugh!
Through the bushes and tall, leafy oaks, I follow the slight descent of the hill, my throat dry, sweat trickling down my back. Would someone please dump a bucket of ice water on my head already?
“Hey, what’s the rush, Gabs?” Asha asks, jogging to keep up DO YOU MEAN CATCH UP? SHUFFLING TO ME DOESN’T MEAN FAST “Slow down.”
“Sorry, it’s just so freakin hot. The A/C in my house is calling us.”
Asha exhales a loud sigh. A SIGH IS AN EXHALATION SO PICK ONE TO DESCRIBE “Yeah, I hear it.”
I keep moving, the tall prickly grass clawing at my bare legs and leaves from low-hanging oaks clutching my ponytail. WAIT, IS SHE IN THE WOODS? I HAD ASSUMED THAT BASED ON THE PITCH AND THE PATH BUT SUDDENLY THERE’S GRASS, WHICH I DON’T ASSOCIATE WITH A FOREST I WE, BECAUSE ASHA IS WITH GABBY AND YOU ALSO BEGAN THE LAST SENTENCE WITH I reach the clearing, the forest widening before me and that’s when it hits. A bone-rattling chill that skitters down my spine and settles in my gut. Okay, that’s weird. Really weird.
Shivering, I stop in my tracks. I THINK HER STOPPING SHOULD COME BEFORE THE “WEIRD” THOUGHT A blistering August day in Bucks County, Pennsylvania and out of nowhere, it’s like I have the flu.
I glance skyward, expecting what, I don’t know. But there’s only a thatched canopy of leaves fluttering in the breeze. The hot August breeze. YOU JUST SAID THAT IT WAS AUGUST ABOVE
Asha stops STOPS IS REPEATED VERB, BUT ASHA PAUSING CAN BE DEDUCTED BY READER, reaches out and touches my arm. “REACHING” IS A FILTER VERB AND UNNECESSARY, PLUS IF TOUCH IS THE FIRST AND ONLY VERB, THE ACTION IS MORE SUDDEN, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT YOU WANT IF IT STARTLES GABBY “Gabs, you okay? Geez, you have goosebumps all over.”
“Yeah, no. I’m freezing,” I say, my teeth chattering. “I got this crazy chill out of nowhere.” REPEAT OF “OUT OF NOWHERE” I sigh. NOT SURE SIGHING IS THE RIGHT THING HERE “It must be the heat. I’m delirious.” THE MOM IN ME JUST SCREAMED “HEAT STROKE!!!” LOL
HELLO SUSAN! THANKS FOR LETTING ME READ THIS. I DON’T NORMALLY CRITIQUE THIS WAY AND WITH ALL CAPS SO IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING EVERY FEW WORDS HERE, BUT I’M NOT, REALLY.
-OKAY, SO I’M BIG ON SEEKING AND DESTROYING REPETITION WHEN IT COMES TO WORDS USED. TRY NOT TO HAVE PEOPLE SIGH OR STOP, ETC., MORE THAN ONCE PER PAGE (“SAID” IS AN EXCEPTION BECAUSE IT’S INVISIBLE). NORMALLY I WOULD JUST HIGHLIGHT REPEATED WORDS OR PHRASES RATHER THAN SHOUT AT THEM IN-LINE.
-PAY ATTENTION WORDS AND PHRASES THAT SLOW DOWN OR DILUTE THE ACTION.
-I KNOW THIS IS ONLY 250 WORDS AND THAT’S SO, SO LITTLE TO GET ANYTHING IN, AND YOU WANT TO HIT ME WITH SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, BUT I’D LIKE TO HAVE BETTER/CLEARER DESCRIPTION OF THE ENVIRONMENT AND ALSO OF GABBY AND ASHA. THEY ARE COMPLETELY BLANK SO FAR AND THEY NEED TO HAVE IMMEDIATE FEATURES- GIVE ME COLORS OF HAIR AND EYES, MENTION CLOTHING, BUT DON’T OVERLOAD, EITHER (DON’T WORRY, I STRUGGLE WITH THIS A LOT). IT FEELS A BIT RUSHED OVERALL. SET THE SCENE AND THE CHARACTERS BEFORE THE BIG SHIVER- WE WANT IT SOON, BUT IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE ON THE FIRST OR EVEN SECOND PAGE. EASE THE READER INTO THE WORLD AND MAKE THEM COMFORTABLE AND CONNECTED TO THE SCENE, THEN THE BANG HAS MUCH MORE OF AN IMPACT.
-I GET THAT GABBY IS WALKING TO HER HOUSE FROM SCHOOL, BUT GOING THROUGH WOODS TO GET HOME IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS THAT COMMON FOR A HIGH SCHOOLER (AT LEAST IN MOST PLACES I’VE LIVED), SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO EXPLAIN THE FOREST IN RELATION TO HER HOUSE AND WHY SHE’S CUTTING THROUGH THE WOODS INSTEAD OF DRIVING HOME OR SOMETHING. HOPEFULLY MUCH OF THAT INFO IS COMING SHORTLY, THOUGH.
-IN PLACES WHERE YOU HAVE 3 OR MORE ADJECTIVES IN A SENTENCE, STRIVE TO FIND NOUNS THAT ENCOMPASS THE ADJECTIVE. SAME WITH COMBINING ADVERB-VERB PAIRING WITH A STRONGER VERB (THIS IS JUST GENERAL ADVICE, YOU AREN’T ADJECTIVE CRAZY)
NIT-PICKY STUFF, THOUGH. OVERALL, THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD SCENE TO BEGIN YOUR STORY WITH. GABBY HAS IMMEDIATE VOICE, AND ADDING DESCRIPTIONS AS SHE WOULD SEE AND EXPERIENCE THEM WILL MAKE IT EVEN STRONGER. I’M STILL VERY CURIOUS ABOUT THE PREMISE OF THE STORY. BEST OF LUCK!
GENRE: YA Contemporary
ENTRY: #12
Pitch:
For Gabby, a dedicated, but sometimes obsessive cross-country runner, junior year is her time to shine. College recruiters. Scholarships. Besting her impossibly skinny rivals. But eerie encounters in the woods the summer before school starts and CJ, a cute guy with the same quirky taste in music—just might put a wrench in her plans. See, CJ has a secret and it’s connected to what’s going on in the woods. And to Gabby.
GOOD: IMMEDIATELY UNDERSTAND GABBY, USE OF 3 EXAMPLES, TASTE IN MUSIC AS A CONNECTION, VERY COMPACT AND CLEAR
IF THERE’S A SIMPLE/EASY WAY TO GIVE AN EXAMPLE OR ELEMENT OF THE EERIE ENCOUNTERS, THAT WOULD BE MORE INTRIGUING.
I’M NOT USUALLY A CONTEMPORARY PERSON, BUT AS A PARENT AND AS A FORMER TEEN, I’VE BEEN IN THE THICK OF CROSS-COUNTRY AND COLLEGE STUFF, SO IT GOT ME.
Sweltering heat bakes my skin as I shuffle along the narrow path, the hot breeze offering no relief. BIT OF ADJECTIVE OVERLOAD I uncap my water bottle and chug the last drop of tepid liquid. SMALL THING, BUT YOU CAN’T CHUG A DROP OF WATER. Eight miles at cross-country practice and now this. DOES “THIS” REFER TO THE HEAT OR THE WATER? Ugh!
Through the bushes and tall, leafy oaks, I follow the slight descent of the hill, my throat dry, sweat trickling down my back. Would someone please dump a bucket of ice water on my head already?
“Hey, what’s the rush, Gabs?” Asha asks, jogging to keep up DO YOU MEAN CATCH UP? SHUFFLING TO ME DOESN’T MEAN FAST “Slow down.”
“Sorry, it’s just so freakin hot. The A/C in my house is calling us.”
Asha exhales a loud sigh. A SIGH IS AN EXHALATION SO PICK ONE TO DESCRIBE “Yeah, I hear it.”
I keep moving, the tall prickly grass clawing at my bare legs and leaves from low-hanging oaks clutching my ponytail. WAIT, IS SHE IN THE WOODS? I HAD ASSUMED THAT BASED ON THE PITCH AND THE PATH BUT SUDDENLY THERE’S GRASS, WHICH I DON’T ASSOCIATE WITH A FOREST I WE, BECAUSE ASHA IS WITH GABBY AND YOU ALSO BEGAN THE LAST SENTENCE WITH I reach the clearing, the forest widening before me and that’s when it hits. A bone-rattling chill that skitters down my spine and settles in my gut. Okay, that’s weird. Really weird.
Shivering, I stop in my tracks. I THINK HER STOPPING SHOULD COME BEFORE THE “WEIRD” THOUGHT A blistering August day in Bucks County, Pennsylvania and out of nowhere, it’s like I have the flu.
I glance skyward, expecting what, I don’t know. But there’s only a thatched canopy of leaves fluttering in the breeze. The hot August breeze. YOU JUST SAID THAT IT WAS AUGUST ABOVE
Asha stops STOPS IS REPEATED VERB, BUT ASHA PAUSING CAN BE DEDUCTED BY READER, reaches out and touches my arm. “REACHING” IS A FILTER VERB AND UNNECESSARY, PLUS IF TOUCH IS THE FIRST AND ONLY VERB, THE ACTION IS MORE SUDDEN, WHICH IS PROBABLY WHAT YOU WANT IF IT STARTLES GABBY “Gabs, you okay? Geez, you have goosebumps all over.”
“Yeah, no. I’m freezing,” I say, my teeth chattering. “I got this crazy chill out of nowhere.” REPEAT OF “OUT OF NOWHERE” I sigh. NOT SURE SIGHING IS THE RIGHT THING HERE “It must be the heat. I’m delirious.” THE MOM IN ME JUST SCREAMED “HEAT STROKE!!!” LOL
HELLO SUSAN! THANKS FOR LETTING ME READ THIS. I DON’T NORMALLY CRITIQUE THIS WAY AND WITH ALL CAPS SO IT LOOKS LIKE I’M YELLING EVERY FEW WORDS HERE, BUT I’M NOT, REALLY.
-OKAY, SO I’M BIG ON SEEKING AND DESTROYING REPETITION WHEN IT COMES TO WORDS USED. TRY NOT TO HAVE PEOPLE SIGH OR STOP, ETC., MORE THAN ONCE PER PAGE (“SAID” IS AN EXCEPTION BECAUSE IT’S INVISIBLE). NORMALLY I WOULD JUST HIGHLIGHT REPEATED WORDS OR PHRASES RATHER THAN SHOUT AT THEM IN-LINE.
-PAY ATTENTION WORDS AND PHRASES THAT SLOW DOWN OR DILUTE THE ACTION.
-I KNOW THIS IS ONLY 250 WORDS AND THAT’S SO, SO LITTLE TO GET ANYTHING IN, AND YOU WANT TO HIT ME WITH SOMETHING ACTUALLY HAPPENING, BUT I’D LIKE TO HAVE BETTER/CLEARER DESCRIPTION OF THE ENVIRONMENT AND ALSO OF GABBY AND ASHA. THEY ARE COMPLETELY BLANK SO FAR AND THEY NEED TO HAVE IMMEDIATE FEATURES- GIVE ME COLORS OF HAIR AND EYES, MENTION CLOTHING, BUT DON’T OVERLOAD, EITHER (DON’T WORRY, I STRUGGLE WITH THIS A LOT). IT FEELS A BIT RUSHED OVERALL. SET THE SCENE AND THE CHARACTERS BEFORE THE BIG SHIVER- WE WANT IT SOON, BUT IT DOESN’T NEED TO BE ON THE FIRST OR EVEN SECOND PAGE. EASE THE READER INTO THE WORLD AND MAKE THEM COMFORTABLE AND CONNECTED TO THE SCENE, THEN THE BANG HAS MUCH MORE OF AN IMPACT.
-I GET THAT GABBY IS WALKING TO HER HOUSE FROM SCHOOL, BUT GOING THROUGH WOODS TO GET HOME IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS THAT COMMON FOR A HIGH SCHOOLER (AT LEAST IN MOST PLACES I’VE LIVED), SO YOU MIGHT WANT TO EXPLAIN THE FOREST IN RELATION TO HER HOUSE AND WHY SHE’S CUTTING THROUGH THE WOODS INSTEAD OF DRIVING HOME OR SOMETHING. HOPEFULLY MUCH OF THAT INFO IS COMING SHORTLY, THOUGH.
-IN PLACES WHERE YOU HAVE 3 OR MORE ADJECTIVES IN A SENTENCE, STRIVE TO FIND NOUNS THAT ENCOMPASS THE ADJECTIVE. SAME WITH COMBINING ADVERB-VERB PAIRING WITH A STRONGER VERB (THIS IS JUST GENERAL ADVICE, YOU AREN’T ADJECTIVE CRAZY)
NIT-PICKY STUFF, THOUGH. OVERALL, THIS SEEMS LIKE A GOOD SCENE TO BEGIN YOUR STORY WITH. GABBY HAS IMMEDIATE VOICE, AND ADDING DESCRIPTIONS AS SHE WOULD SEE AND EXPERIENCE THEM WILL MAKE IT EVEN STRONGER. I’M STILL VERY CURIOUS ABOUT THE PREMISE OF THE STORY. BEST OF LUCK!
Critique by Alice Loweecey: Killer Competition
TITLE: Killer Competition--A Killer Dogz Mystery
GENRE: Cozy Mystery
I stared at my pristine white bathtub debating to bath bomb or not to bath bomb. My best friend and now business partner had insisted on rectifying the situation when I'd confessed to never partaking in the craze. She'd bought out half the selection Wal-Mart had on offer.
NOTE: CAUSE AND EFFECT ARE REVERSED IN THE SECOND SENTENCE. "WHEN I'D CONFESSED TO NEVER PARTAKING IN THE CRAZE, MY BEST FRIEND AND BUSINESS PARTNER BOUGHT OUT HALF OF WAL-MART'S SELECTION FOR ME TO TRY."
A knock on the bathroom door was followed by the one sentence that brought sheer terror to our entire neighborhood.
"Mrs. Rogers wants to talk to you." MY ELDEST DAUGHTER'S VOICE DRIPPED WITH BOREDOM. (SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SO WE'RE NOT WONDERING WHO'S TALKING, THUS DISTRACTING US FROM THE STORY.)
Placing the bath bomb on the vanity, I wondered what offense the kids or I could have done to incur the wrath of our next door neighbor. I opened the bathroom door and found my oldest sitting on the edge of my bed, twisting a strand of Auburn, for today, hair. ("AUBURN" ISN'T CAPPED.)
"Where's the phone?"
"Sorry, she's on the porch, not the phone."
Ignoring the smirk on her face, I grabbed the fuzziest robe I had ever owned and stuffed myself into it, covering my pajamas. "Just great," I muttered.
Dropping the strand of hair, she offered to send, "the wicked witch" on her way.
"Hailey Ann Harrison, stop calling her that." Even if it was true, I couldn't risk such impolite behavior making its way back to my parents. I shuddered at the thought of their reactions. (THIS SENTENCE COULD IMPLY THAT THE MC ONLY CARES ABOUT HER PARENTS' REACTION TO HER DAUGHTERS' SNARK, NOT THAT HER DAUGHTER IS BEING SNARKY. IS THAT THE INTENTION? OR DOES THE MC SIMPLY NOT WANT THE NASTY NEIGHBOR TO HEAR?)
I walked down the hall and sighed before opening the front door. (DOES SHE ONLY NEED TO SIGH, OR DOES SHE NEED TO "GIRD HER LOINS"? A scowl on her (IN THIS INSTANCE I'D USE "MRS. ROGERS" HERE TO KEEP US FIRMLY WITH THE MC AND THE EVIL NEIGHBOR AND AWAY FROM THE DAUGHTER.) face was the norm, I'd come to learn but her normally hairspray lacquered hair stuck out at odd angles as if even her hair was angry with me. (THIS IS A GOOD LINE.)
OVERALL NOTES: THIS IS A CATCHY OPENING. I HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE MC. I'M ENJOYING HER VOICE AND THE TOUCHES OF HUMOR. YOU ESTABLISHED THE MC HAS HER OWN BUSINESS AND IS POSSIBLY A SINGLE MOTHER WITHOUT DISTRACTING FROM THE SCENE. THE STORY IS LIGHT WITHOUT BEING FLUFFY. I WOULD KEEP READING THIS. GOOD LUCK!
GENRE: Cozy Mystery
I stared at my pristine white bathtub debating to bath bomb or not to bath bomb. My best friend and now business partner had insisted on rectifying the situation when I'd confessed to never partaking in the craze. She'd bought out half the selection Wal-Mart had on offer.
NOTE: CAUSE AND EFFECT ARE REVERSED IN THE SECOND SENTENCE. "WHEN I'D CONFESSED TO NEVER PARTAKING IN THE CRAZE, MY BEST FRIEND AND BUSINESS PARTNER BOUGHT OUT HALF OF WAL-MART'S SELECTION FOR ME TO TRY."
A knock on the bathroom door was followed by the one sentence that brought sheer terror to our entire neighborhood.
"Mrs. Rogers wants to talk to you." MY ELDEST DAUGHTER'S VOICE DRIPPED WITH BOREDOM. (SOMETHING LIKE THIS, SO WE'RE NOT WONDERING WHO'S TALKING, THUS DISTRACTING US FROM THE STORY.)
Placing the bath bomb on the vanity, I wondered what offense the kids or I could have done to incur the wrath of our next door neighbor. I opened the bathroom door and found my oldest sitting on the edge of my bed, twisting a strand of Auburn, for today, hair. ("AUBURN" ISN'T CAPPED.)
"Where's the phone?"
"Sorry, she's on the porch, not the phone."
Ignoring the smirk on her face, I grabbed the fuzziest robe I had ever owned and stuffed myself into it, covering my pajamas. "Just great," I muttered.
Dropping the strand of hair, she offered to send, "the wicked witch" on her way.
"Hailey Ann Harrison, stop calling her that." Even if it was true, I couldn't risk such impolite behavior making its way back to my parents. I shuddered at the thought of their reactions. (THIS SENTENCE COULD IMPLY THAT THE MC ONLY CARES ABOUT HER PARENTS' REACTION TO HER DAUGHTERS' SNARK, NOT THAT HER DAUGHTER IS BEING SNARKY. IS THAT THE INTENTION? OR DOES THE MC SIMPLY NOT WANT THE NASTY NEIGHBOR TO HEAR?)
I walked down the hall and sighed before opening the front door. (DOES SHE ONLY NEED TO SIGH, OR DOES SHE NEED TO "GIRD HER LOINS"? A scowl on her (IN THIS INSTANCE I'D USE "MRS. ROGERS" HERE TO KEEP US FIRMLY WITH THE MC AND THE EVIL NEIGHBOR AND AWAY FROM THE DAUGHTER.) face was the norm, I'd come to learn but her normally hairspray lacquered hair stuck out at odd angles as if even her hair was angry with me. (THIS IS A GOOD LINE.)
OVERALL NOTES: THIS IS A CATCHY OPENING. I HAVE SYMPATHY FOR THE MC. I'M ENJOYING HER VOICE AND THE TOUCHES OF HUMOR. YOU ESTABLISHED THE MC HAS HER OWN BUSINESS AND IS POSSIBLY A SINGLE MOTHER WITHOUT DISTRACTING FROM THE SCENE. THE STORY IS LIGHT WITHOUT BEING FLUFFY. I WOULD KEEP READING THIS. GOOD LUCK!
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