Dearest writerly ones!
Pull out your notebook and pen; today you get to sit back and read the thoughtful (and in some cases, quite detailed) critiques of our winning first pages. While it's true that all critique is subjective, it's also true that reading what experienced writers have to say ups our game, giving us things to think about that we can keep in mind when doing our own writing.
Enjoy! And one more huge thank you to our participating authors.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wednesday, July 3, 2019
Critique by Nancy Bilyeau: The Atonement of Louis Godbout
TITLE: The Atonement of Louis Godbout
GENRE: Historical
ENTRY: #20
The pitch:
Lower Canada, 1838. The revolt against British rule FAILED (for quicker meaning):/is in tatters/. Louis Godbout, THIS IS UNCLEAR, HE IS HALF FRENCH, HALF-CREE GENETICALLY OR IS HE A MAN TRAPPED BETWEEN THOSE TWO WORLDS EMOTIONALLY?:/a loner caught in a no-man's land between French and Cree, is banished to the penal colony of Australia I'D CUT THIS, IT MUDDIES HIS CHARACTER IN THIS SHORT A DESCRIPTION: /for a rebellion he didn't believe in/. In exile he finds comradeship; in humiliation, dignity. Inspired by the courage of a Huguenot/Londoner convict woman, THIS IS TOO VAGUE FOR A PITCH, IS THERE A CLEARER NARRATIVE LINE, DOES HE FALL IN LOVE, DOES SHE HELP HIM FIND PEACE OR BELONGING OR SAVE HIS LIFE? /he wrestles with the meaning of home, identity and belonging/. Based on true events.
On a low-skied Sunday morning, the 25th CUT:/day/ of February 1838, Louis Godbout gave his cabin door a nudge. He could feel the weight of a snowdrift on the other side. As the door crack widened INSERT COMMA the chink of a new day SHOWED ITSELF:/ began to show itself/: a DELETE:/glimpse of/ leaden landscape blasted by an overnight blizzard. VERY NICE IMAGERY: Crystals from the advancing drift spilled over the threshold like salt from a bag.
Merde, I hope I can get out of here.
FIX REPETITION OF 'DOOR' AND TIGHTEN:/He shut the door and went through to the door at the rear of the cabin. Out back, in the lee of the storm, it was clear.
DON'T NEED THIS ONE: Bien.
Today, for once, he wouldn't have to dig himself out.
He put on his toque and capelot and stepped DELETE:/out/ into the open. The air was muted after the fresh PICK ANOTHER WORD:/dump/ of overnight snow. NICE HISTORICAL DETAIL:/His snowshoes, great platters of wood and webbed hide, hung from a hook outside the back door/. He lashed them to his moccasins, pulled a pair of WOOL?:/woolen/ mitts over his hands and set out from the cabin toward Châteauguay.
NOT SURE THIS IS WORKING. PLUS YOU ALREADY SAID 'LOW-SKIED' IN FIRST SENTENCE:/The land looked close to the sky, as if the white-crusted fields had been leavened and baked in an oven/. He headed for the western bank of the Châteauguay River, his shoes stamping giant prints across the virgin snowfield. This late in winter his racquettes were like one with his body, NICE DESCRIPTION: as if his feet had sent out new growths of sinew and bone. Gross and clumsy that they were, the shoes let him skim over the deep powder like a snowshoe hare.
The writing in your selection is full of evocative description. I could feel the weight of the snow against the door, and see the sky outside the cabin. I very much enjoyed the scene you set.
I would consider weaving in more of Louis's internal struggle. I think we need to read more than his reaction to the weather, shoes, and the countryside, as lovely as the writing is. Is he setting out with dread, with anticipation? Is he overly confident? Suggesting the possibility of conflict soon to come would bait the reader's hook and make her or him eager to keep going.
I made notes in your pitch, to help clarify the meaning. I would make less internal the core struggle of Louis once he is in Australia. Readers (and prospective agents and editors) need to know if this is a historical novel about a man finding the meaning in his life, surviving against difficult odds, or finding love and acceptance from another person. (Ideally, all three :). Finding the meaning of concepts such as identity might not be making the best case for your book in a pitch, though that is definitely a powerful theme for the book itself. You say in the middle of the pitch that he's a loner, is the emotional journey of the novel one that ends with him learning to love and trust another person? A more specific arc would be great to tease out.
For a comparison of a 19th century-set story of a person thrust in a new place with epic overtones, I would take a look at Lauren Willig's new novel, "Summer Country."
Best of luck with your book, which is set in a very interesting time and place and with a strong premise.
GENRE: Historical
ENTRY: #20
The pitch:
Lower Canada, 1838. The revolt against British rule FAILED (for quicker meaning):/is in tatters/. Louis Godbout, THIS IS UNCLEAR, HE IS HALF FRENCH, HALF-CREE GENETICALLY OR IS HE A MAN TRAPPED BETWEEN THOSE TWO WORLDS EMOTIONALLY?:/a loner caught in a no-man's land between French and Cree, is banished to the penal colony of Australia I'D CUT THIS, IT MUDDIES HIS CHARACTER IN THIS SHORT A DESCRIPTION: /for a rebellion he didn't believe in/. In exile he finds comradeship; in humiliation, dignity. Inspired by the courage of a Huguenot/Londoner convict woman, THIS IS TOO VAGUE FOR A PITCH, IS THERE A CLEARER NARRATIVE LINE, DOES HE FALL IN LOVE, DOES SHE HELP HIM FIND PEACE OR BELONGING OR SAVE HIS LIFE? /he wrestles with the meaning of home, identity and belonging/. Based on true events.
On a low-skied Sunday morning, the 25th CUT:/day/ of February 1838, Louis Godbout gave his cabin door a nudge. He could feel the weight of a snowdrift on the other side. As the door crack widened INSERT COMMA the chink of a new day SHOWED ITSELF:/ began to show itself/: a DELETE:/glimpse of/ leaden landscape blasted by an overnight blizzard. VERY NICE IMAGERY: Crystals from the advancing drift spilled over the threshold like salt from a bag.
Merde, I hope I can get out of here.
FIX REPETITION OF 'DOOR' AND TIGHTEN:/He shut the door and went through to the door at the rear of the cabin. Out back, in the lee of the storm, it was clear.
DON'T NEED THIS ONE: Bien.
Today, for once, he wouldn't have to dig himself out.
He put on his toque and capelot and stepped DELETE:/out/ into the open. The air was muted after the fresh PICK ANOTHER WORD:/dump/ of overnight snow. NICE HISTORICAL DETAIL:/His snowshoes, great platters of wood and webbed hide, hung from a hook outside the back door/. He lashed them to his moccasins, pulled a pair of WOOL?:/woolen/ mitts over his hands and set out from the cabin toward Châteauguay.
NOT SURE THIS IS WORKING. PLUS YOU ALREADY SAID 'LOW-SKIED' IN FIRST SENTENCE:/The land looked close to the sky, as if the white-crusted fields had been leavened and baked in an oven/. He headed for the western bank of the Châteauguay River, his shoes stamping giant prints across the virgin snowfield. This late in winter his racquettes were like one with his body, NICE DESCRIPTION: as if his feet had sent out new growths of sinew and bone. Gross and clumsy that they were, the shoes let him skim over the deep powder like a snowshoe hare.
The writing in your selection is full of evocative description. I could feel the weight of the snow against the door, and see the sky outside the cabin. I very much enjoyed the scene you set.
I would consider weaving in more of Louis's internal struggle. I think we need to read more than his reaction to the weather, shoes, and the countryside, as lovely as the writing is. Is he setting out with dread, with anticipation? Is he overly confident? Suggesting the possibility of conflict soon to come would bait the reader's hook and make her or him eager to keep going.
I made notes in your pitch, to help clarify the meaning. I would make less internal the core struggle of Louis once he is in Australia. Readers (and prospective agents and editors) need to know if this is a historical novel about a man finding the meaning in his life, surviving against difficult odds, or finding love and acceptance from another person. (Ideally, all three :). Finding the meaning of concepts such as identity might not be making the best case for your book in a pitch, though that is definitely a powerful theme for the book itself. You say in the middle of the pitch that he's a loner, is the emotional journey of the novel one that ends with him learning to love and trust another person? A more specific arc would be great to tease out.
For a comparison of a 19th century-set story of a person thrust in a new place with epic overtones, I would take a look at Lauren Willig's new novel, "Summer Country."
Best of luck with your book, which is set in a very interesting time and place and with a strong premise.
Critique by Rosaria Munda: Orphaned Skies
TITLE: ORPHANED SKIES
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
ENTRY: #9
With the Stingray invasion escalating, fighter pilot Juniper Crew must decide between becoming a Legacy and avenging her past, or defending the people she swore to protect and saving her future.
I LOVE FIGHTER PILOTS AND I LOVE LARGER POLITICAL DRAMA EXPLORED THROUGH INTIMATE PERSONAL CONFLICT! BRING IT.
Worlds around her would explode if she touched the spinning orb and stole a life back from the Reaper. But since that life belonged to her best friend, nothing else mattered. I THINK THIS PARAGRAPH MIGHT BE MORE CONFUSING THAN YOU NEED IT TO BE. IS REAPER A WORLDBUILDING ELEMENT OR JUST A FIGURATIVE REFERENCE? WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO DO? IS HER FRIEND INSIDE THE ORB OR IS ORB THE TANDEM SPACESHIP REAGAN IS FLYING?
Juniper Crew accelerated, chasing Reagan’s egg-shaped vessel in an oblong orbit over Earth’s northern hemisphere, the duo mere minutes away from completing their ninety-ninth mission FOR WHOM? IMPERIAL OR REBEL? IS IT A TRAINING MISSION? IS IT FOR A WAR EFFORT? GIVE A BIT MORE HERE AND IN THE NEXT PARA TO SET STAKES. She just needed to find and destroy the traitors badge. And for Crew, admittedly a little trigger-happy, destroying was the best part. I LOVE THE JOYFUL ENERGY CREW BRINGS TO HER FLYING!
Purple curls twisted at the base of her skull, WHY ARE HER PURPLE CURLS RELEVANT RIGHT NOW? ARE THEY DRENCHED IN SWEAT BECAUSE THE SHIP IS HEATING UP? ETC. WEAVE THEM INTO THE ACTION the graft gripping her shoulder blades and burning down through her fingertips. Energy flowed across her mind more than concrete words or commands. Her A16 Encryption fell into Reagan’s slipstream and drafted off the speeding escort egg. I'M OF THE BELIEF THAT IF YOU'RE NAMING IT, THAT NAME SHOULD ADVANCE THE WORLDBUILDING IN SOME WAY. A16 ENCRYPTION DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT HER OR HER WORLD--BUT E.G. "IMPERIAL A16 ENCRYPTION" DOES, OR JUST "SPYSHIP" IF IT'S RECON, ETC. CONSIDER PLAYING WITH THIS!
The depth of true black surrounded her, yet the lull of empty space competed with the bubbling excitement inside. So close. This mission and then one more. Once she completed a hundred, she’d be free. I'D TRY GIVING US MORE HERE AND SEE HOW IT WORKS. FREE FROM WHAT? WHY? YOU COULD TEASE A BIT ABOUT EITHER OR HER PAST OR HER FUTURE—THAT PAST SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO CHOOSE WHETHER TO AVENGE; THAT FUTURE THAT SHE IS STRIVING TOWARD?
Crew cradled the craft’s nose, edging it closer to her escort. The egg jerked and picked up speed. I WOULD CUT THIS BECAUSE IT DIDN'T ADVANCE THE ACTION OR BUILD CHARACTER. She opened comms. “See it yet, Reagan?”
“Got a visual on my right.” The ear-plant crackled. “Optical only though.” HOW IS OPTICAL DIFFERENT FROM VISUAL?
Spurred by the confirmation, the Encryption surged forward and broke the artificial horizon. Unadulterated white rays blasted through the slanted stealth canopy and Crew’s skin tingled with a warmth that didn’t exist. I DON’T THINK YOU CAN FEEL SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST. REPHRASE? The visor auto tinted and the flush of her arms settled into their usual prickle, hairs raised on end and the singe of copper running through her veins. I APPRECIATE THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID "BLOOD TINGLING IN HER VEINS" HERE, BUT BEWARE SYNONYMS THAT FEEL FORCED!
“We have it!” A new voice broke through.
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
ENTRY: #9
With the Stingray invasion escalating, fighter pilot Juniper Crew must decide between becoming a Legacy and avenging her past, or defending the people she swore to protect and saving her future.
I LOVE FIGHTER PILOTS AND I LOVE LARGER POLITICAL DRAMA EXPLORED THROUGH INTIMATE PERSONAL CONFLICT! BRING IT.
Worlds around her would explode if she touched the spinning orb and stole a life back from the Reaper. But since that life belonged to her best friend, nothing else mattered. I THINK THIS PARAGRAPH MIGHT BE MORE CONFUSING THAN YOU NEED IT TO BE. IS REAPER A WORLDBUILDING ELEMENT OR JUST A FIGURATIVE REFERENCE? WHAT IS SHE TRYING TO DO? IS HER FRIEND INSIDE THE ORB OR IS ORB THE TANDEM SPACESHIP REAGAN IS FLYING?
Juniper Crew accelerated, chasing Reagan’s egg-shaped vessel in an oblong orbit over Earth’s northern hemisphere, the duo mere minutes away from completing their ninety-ninth mission FOR WHOM? IMPERIAL OR REBEL? IS IT A TRAINING MISSION? IS IT FOR A WAR EFFORT? GIVE A BIT MORE HERE AND IN THE NEXT PARA TO SET STAKES. She just needed to find and destroy the traitors badge. And for Crew, admittedly a little trigger-happy, destroying was the best part. I LOVE THE JOYFUL ENERGY CREW BRINGS TO HER FLYING!
Purple curls twisted at the base of her skull, WHY ARE HER PURPLE CURLS RELEVANT RIGHT NOW? ARE THEY DRENCHED IN SWEAT BECAUSE THE SHIP IS HEATING UP? ETC. WEAVE THEM INTO THE ACTION the graft gripping her shoulder blades and burning down through her fingertips. Energy flowed across her mind more than concrete words or commands. Her A16 Encryption fell into Reagan’s slipstream and drafted off the speeding escort egg. I'M OF THE BELIEF THAT IF YOU'RE NAMING IT, THAT NAME SHOULD ADVANCE THE WORLDBUILDING IN SOME WAY. A16 ENCRYPTION DOESN'T TELL ME ANYTHING ABOUT HER OR HER WORLD--BUT E.G. "IMPERIAL A16 ENCRYPTION" DOES, OR JUST "SPYSHIP" IF IT'S RECON, ETC. CONSIDER PLAYING WITH THIS!
The depth of true black surrounded her, yet the lull of empty space competed with the bubbling excitement inside. So close. This mission and then one more. Once she completed a hundred, she’d be free. I'D TRY GIVING US MORE HERE AND SEE HOW IT WORKS. FREE FROM WHAT? WHY? YOU COULD TEASE A BIT ABOUT EITHER OR HER PAST OR HER FUTURE—THAT PAST SHE IS GOING TO HAVE TO CHOOSE WHETHER TO AVENGE; THAT FUTURE THAT SHE IS STRIVING TOWARD?
Crew cradled the craft’s nose, edging it closer to her escort. The egg jerked and picked up speed. I WOULD CUT THIS BECAUSE IT DIDN'T ADVANCE THE ACTION OR BUILD CHARACTER. She opened comms. “See it yet, Reagan?”
“Got a visual on my right.” The ear-plant crackled. “Optical only though.” HOW IS OPTICAL DIFFERENT FROM VISUAL?
Spurred by the confirmation, the Encryption surged forward and broke the artificial horizon. Unadulterated white rays blasted through the slanted stealth canopy and Crew’s skin tingled with a warmth that didn’t exist. I DON’T THINK YOU CAN FEEL SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T EXIST. REPHRASE? The visor auto tinted and the flush of her arms settled into their usual prickle, hairs raised on end and the singe of copper running through her veins. I APPRECIATE THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO AVOID "BLOOD TINGLING IN HER VEINS" HERE, BUT BEWARE SYNONYMS THAT FEEL FORCED!
“We have it!” A new voice broke through.
Critique by Rosaria Munda: Temple Beyond the Sea
TITLE: Temple Beyond the Sea
GENRE: Fantasy
ENTRY: #21
Pitch: Iphi was flown here by Artemis long ago, to serve as a priestess in the temple. She can barely tolerate the thought of human sacrifice, but only enemies of the land will be slain.
Her brother Orestes has avenged a murder in their household, but is driven out by the Furies—monstrous flying creatures.
Sister and brother have never met, but when Orestes is washed up on the shore of the temple, what will happen? NOTE ON THE PITCH: I WAS ORIGINALLY DRAWN TO THIS ONE BECAUSE I LOVE THE ORESTEIA MYTHS. BUT I THINK IF I DIDN'T KNOW THE REFERENCE, I WOULDN'T HAVE REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON. DON'T BURY THE LEAD ABOUT WHAT IPHI WILL BE ASKED TO DO TO ORESTES--THAT IS YOUR PITCH. TRY SOMETHING MORE LIKE, "WHEN IPHI IS RESCUED FROM HUMAN SACRIFICE BY ARTEMIS, SHE IS TRAINED TO COMMIT HUMAN SACRIFICES HERSELF IN ARTEMIS'S NAME--UNTIL THE DAY SHE LEARNS HER NEXT VICTIM WILL BE HER OWN BROTHER, ORESTES."
To be a priestess, the walk had to be flawless—the smooth heel-to-toe motion beneath the woolen robe that would soon be spattered with blood. Iphi had practiced this walk for two years AND knew it was perfect, knew the ceremonial dagger at her waist was not bouncing from the motion. Her slippered feet continued their smooth whisper on the stone floor of the temple, taking her through the darkness to the sunlight that shone past the linteled doorway, where the sacrifices waited outside. I LIKE HOW OTHERWORLDLY THIS SETTING ALREADY IS.
She paused at the entrance, heavy stonework on either side marking her as a stranger to the scents of life and fresh air. Iphi made the pause purposeful, foreboding. She had no need to blink from the sudden change in light —the deep purple of the veil that hung in front of her eyes shielded her. The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of those same eyes, dimly glimpsed through the veil. Arms outstretched, she stood ready to receive the sacrifices lying on the altar. Any supplicant standing in line with the doorway would have seen her framed by darkness. I'M NOT SURE THIS PARAGRAPH IS DOING ANYTHING THE FIRST PARAGRAPH DIDN'T DO. CUT, SHORTEN, OR GIVE MORE INTERIORITY? HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT HER CURRENT SITUATION?
And further on, in the interior of the temple, hints of the image of Artemis herself showed—a pale statue in the same posture, lit by hungry flames. HOW DOES IPHI FEEL ABOUT ARTEMIS? THE GODDESS THAT RESCUED HER, BUT HAS HER LOCKED UP DOING HUMAN SACRIFICES FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS? A FEW MORE WORDS TO TEASE US WITH WHO THIS PERSON IS ON THE INSIDE AS WELL AS ON THE OUTSIDE.
The pause also gave Iphi time to contemplate this, the last phase of her training. She would ascend to the priesthood by performing human sacrifice. The dagger rested easily against her waist. HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT HUMAN SACRIFICES? ABOUT ASCENDING TO THE PRIESTHOOD?
GENRE: Fantasy
ENTRY: #21
Pitch: Iphi was flown here by Artemis long ago, to serve as a priestess in the temple. She can barely tolerate the thought of human sacrifice, but only enemies of the land will be slain.
Her brother Orestes has avenged a murder in their household, but is driven out by the Furies—monstrous flying creatures.
Sister and brother have never met, but when Orestes is washed up on the shore of the temple, what will happen? NOTE ON THE PITCH: I WAS ORIGINALLY DRAWN TO THIS ONE BECAUSE I LOVE THE ORESTEIA MYTHS. BUT I THINK IF I DIDN'T KNOW THE REFERENCE, I WOULDN'T HAVE REALIZED WHAT WAS GOING ON. DON'T BURY THE LEAD ABOUT WHAT IPHI WILL BE ASKED TO DO TO ORESTES--THAT IS YOUR PITCH. TRY SOMETHING MORE LIKE, "WHEN IPHI IS RESCUED FROM HUMAN SACRIFICE BY ARTEMIS, SHE IS TRAINED TO COMMIT HUMAN SACRIFICES HERSELF IN ARTEMIS'S NAME--UNTIL THE DAY SHE LEARNS HER NEXT VICTIM WILL BE HER OWN BROTHER, ORESTES."
To be a priestess, the walk had to be flawless—the smooth heel-to-toe motion beneath the woolen robe that would soon be spattered with blood. Iphi had practiced this walk for two years AND knew it was perfect, knew the ceremonial dagger at her waist was not bouncing from the motion. Her slippered feet continued their smooth whisper on the stone floor of the temple, taking her through the darkness to the sunlight that shone past the linteled doorway, where the sacrifices waited outside. I LIKE HOW OTHERWORLDLY THIS SETTING ALREADY IS.
She paused at the entrance, heavy stonework on either side marking her as a stranger to the scents of life and fresh air. Iphi made the pause purposeful, foreboding. She had no need to blink from the sudden change in light —the deep purple of the veil that hung in front of her eyes shielded her. The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of those same eyes, dimly glimpsed through the veil. Arms outstretched, she stood ready to receive the sacrifices lying on the altar. Any supplicant standing in line with the doorway would have seen her framed by darkness. I'M NOT SURE THIS PARAGRAPH IS DOING ANYTHING THE FIRST PARAGRAPH DIDN'T DO. CUT, SHORTEN, OR GIVE MORE INTERIORITY? HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT HER CURRENT SITUATION?
And further on, in the interior of the temple, hints of the image of Artemis herself showed—a pale statue in the same posture, lit by hungry flames. HOW DOES IPHI FEEL ABOUT ARTEMIS? THE GODDESS THAT RESCUED HER, BUT HAS HER LOCKED UP DOING HUMAN SACRIFICES FOR THE LAST FEW YEARS? A FEW MORE WORDS TO TEASE US WITH WHO THIS PERSON IS ON THE INSIDE AS WELL AS ON THE OUTSIDE.
The pause also gave Iphi time to contemplate this, the last phase of her training. She would ascend to the priesthood by performing human sacrifice. The dagger rested easily against her waist. HOW DOES SHE FEEL ABOUT HUMAN SACRIFICES? ABOUT ASCENDING TO THE PRIESTHOOD?
Critique by Peter Adam Salomon: Deep Summer
TITLE: Deep Summer
GENRE: YA Southern Gothic
ENTRY: #4
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
GENRE: YA Southern Gothic
ENTRY: #4
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
Dread sinks in my gut as County Bridge E appears ahead, stretching across Lake Walker like a rusted steel spine. THIS IS YOUR FIRST LINE. 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' SHOWS THIS BRIDGE PERFECTLY, WHICH IS COMPLETELY AT ODDS WITH 'DREAD SINKS IN MY GUT' TELLING US HOW SHE'S FEELING. THE FIRST LINE ISN'T QUITE AS IMPORTANT AS ALL THE BOOKS SAY IT IS, BUT IT'S REALLY CLOSE. SHOW US HER DREAD. SHOW IT SINKING IN THE LAKE (TO TIE IT INTO THE LATER PARAGRAPHS). GIVE US THE POWER OF THE 'RUSTED STEEL SPINE' OF A BRIDGE AS YOU PREPARE US FOR THE FINAL LINE OF THIS PARAGRAPH (WHICH, YES, LIKELY MEANS ADDING A LINE OR TWO TO DRAW OUT THE TENSION BEFORE THAT KILLER LAST LINE): At least this time, I don't see a dead girl on it. LOVE THAT. JUST SET IT UP A LITTLE BIT MORE TO WRING EVERY OUNCE OUT OF THAT. THINK OF THAT PARAGRAPH (AND EVERY PARAGRAPH/SCENE/CHAPTER/NOVEL) AS A SCREWDRIVER AND THE READER AS THE SCREW. ONE LITTLE TWIST OF A FIRST SENTENCE AND ONE MASSIVE TURN OF A SECOND SENTENCE DOESN'T TEND TO BE THE BEST METHOD TO DRIVE THE SCREW HOME. SLOW, STEADY, CONSTANTLY INCREASING THE DREAD. INCREASE THE TENSION, SLOWLY TURNING THAT SCREW LIKE A MASTER CARPENTER.
I pull over before reaching the bridge and cut my Jeep's engine. TRY TO LIMIT 'PROCESS' SENTENCES WHEN POSSIBLE (AND SOMETIMES IT'S SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE TO ELIMINATE THEM). THEY'RE JUST MOVING PIECES AROUND AND ADD LITTLE TO THE STORY, BUT THEY'RE NECESSARY. SO, FOR INSTANCE, YOU MIGHT QUESTION IF 'AND CUT MY JEEP'S ENGINE' IS NEEDED OR IF THE READER WILL UNDERSTAND THE IMPLICATION THAT SHE'S TURNED OFF THE CAR. IE: 'I PULL OVER BEFORE REACHING THE BRIDGE,' WHICH COULD THEN COMBINE WITH THE NEXT SENTENCE TO PROVIDE 'WEATHER' AS A CHARACTER TO THE STORY WITH THE 'JUNE HEAT' STRANGLING THE AC. YOU THEN SHOW THE WEATHER/HEAT SO WELL WITH THE SWIMMING LINE, MAKE SURE YOU CARRY THAT SHOW/DON'T TELL THROUGH THE STORY WHEN IT COMES TO THE HEAT (WITHOUT OVERDOING IT, WHICH, TO BE HONEST, I DID WITH MY FIRST NOVEL). June heat strangles the final wisps of AC. Within seconds I feel like I'm swimming. I kick open the door before the car becomes a pressure cooker, and the soles of my Nikes brush over the weeds growing up against Shadburn Highway. THIS IS A GOOD EXAMPLE OF A GOOD LINE THAT IS LIKELY NOT NECESSARY. THE READER WILL KNOW SHE EXITS THE CAR, NO NEED TO SHOW US HOW. YOU'VE ALREADY SET UP THE HEAT SO ANOTHER MENTION IMMEDIATELY ISN'T HELPING, IT'S OVERKILL. DO WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT KIND OF SHOES SHE HAS ON? AND UNLESS IT'S CHECKHOV'S GUN AND THOSE WEEDS ARE GOING TO SHOW UP SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE AS SOMETHING IMPORTANT, GIVING THEM SPACE ON PAGE ONE ISKIND OF POINTLESS. IF YOU READ THIS PARAGRAPH WITHOUT THAT SENTENCE (WHICH TAKES UP PARTS OF THREE LINES, THE PARAGRAPH BECOMES LEANER, AND CLEANER, WHICH IS TREMENDOUSLY HELPFUL. It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt. THOSE FINAL TWO LINES ARE LOVELY, AND HAVE SO MUCH WONDERFUL MYSTERY TO THEM. JUST THOSE LINES ALONE MAKE ME WANT TO TURN THE PAGE. TANGENTIAL QUESTION: IS SUNBAKED ONE WORD? HYPHEN? OR IS THAT ONE OF THOSE PERSONAL PREFERENCE DECISIONS? OUR HOST WOULD KNOW, I'M SURE…
I slide from the Jeep and grab my phone before shutting the door. AS I SAID, PROCESS SENTENCES. SHE ALREADY KICKED THE DOOR OPEN AND GOT OUT ONCE. DID SHE GET BACK IN THE CAR? DID SHE RUB HER NIKES ON THE WEEDS AND THEN SIT BACK DOWN. BETTER TO REMOVE AS MANY OF THESE AS POSSIBLE TO AVOID REPETITIVE ACTIONS. ALSO, NOTE TO SELF FOR YOU: READ THROUGH LOOKING AT ACTIONS, MAKE SURE THEY'RE NEEDED, PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, ONLY DONE ONCE, AND MEANINGFUL. I take one step toward the bridge-two, three-and flex my scarred hand, working the tendons like my physical therapist taught me to in order to keep my fingers from stiffening. NUMBER THE STEPS IS LIKELY NOT NEEDED AND WITH LONG-ISH SENTENCES LIKE THIS THEY CAN ADD TO READER CONFUSION. YOU WANT TO MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES ARE EASY TO FOLLOW AND DON'T MAKE THE READER HAVE TO RE-READ SOMETHING. 'IN ORDER TO' IS, LIKE THE WORD 'THAT' GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT (AND OUR HOST IS GOING TO KILL ME FOR THIS) BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE IF EVERY LITTLE THING IS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IF IT DOESN'T READ/SOUND GOOD. PERHAPS THAT'S THE POET IN ME (OK, YES, IT'S DEFINITELY THE POET IN ME), BUT 'TAUGHT ME TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING' SIMPLY READS BETTER THAN 'TAUGHT ME TO IN ORDER TO KEEP MY FINGERS FROM STIFFENING.' AGAIN, THAT'S GOING TO BE PERSONAL PREFERENCE, BUT I DO RECALL A BOOK SOON TO BE PUBLISHED THAT I WAS LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE THE CHANGE TO BETA READ AND THE AUTHOR, WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS USED THE WORD 'THAT' OVER 1200 TIMES IN A 300 PAGE BOOK. EVERY ONE OF THOSE 1200+ TIMES WAS GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT. ALSO, I WANTED TO SCREAM AT HAVING TO READ THEM ALL AND WHEN I HIGHLIGHTED THEM ALL IT LOOKED FAINTLY RIDICULOUS. SO, BEING GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT IS IMPORTANT. SO IS NOT MAKING THE READER SEE THE SAME WORD OVER 1200 TIMES. SORRY, BACK TO THE SENTENCE, I LOVE HOW YOU'RE SLOWLY INTRODUCING THINGS BY SHOWING US, WITH A HINT OF TELLING SPRINKLED IN. Lake Walker sits at the bottom of the valley, calm, deep, and probably hot as broth already. ANOTHER HEAT REFERENCE ISN'T NEEDED, THOUGH IT'S A GOOD LINE YOU'LL WANT TO SAVE FOR LATER USE IN THE STORY WHEN NEEDED. ALSO, THIS SHOULD LIKELY BE A NEW PARAGRAPH AS YOU TURN FROM HER HAND TO A BIT OF DESCRIPTION OF THE SETTING. AS YOU'RE ABOUT TO BRING IN THE VISUAL OF 'RED' I'M GLAD YOU DIDN'T COLOR THE LAKE OR THE VALLEY BUT YOU'RE WELCOME TO ADD A BIT MORE OF SIGHT/SMELL/TEXTURE/ETC SO YOU'RE SHOWING THE READER ALL THE SENSES RESPONDING TO THE AREA. A rim of Georgia red clay separates the tree line from the receding waters. Drought's been going on for a year now, and I've never seen the reservoir this drained. If it gets any worse, I wonder what secrets will be revealed? TOO OBVIOUS. I KNOW IT'S EASY TO DO BUT RHETORICAL QUESTIONS ARE USUALLY BEST ELIMINATED. I UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE GOING FOR WITH THIS ONE, BUT IT'S STILL BETTER TO REWORD THIS SO YOU'RE NOT HAVING THE READER HIT OVER THE HEAD WITH 'MYSTERY' IN BIG CAPITAL LETTERS. YOU WANT SOMETHING MORE AKIN TO 'It's been a full year since the accident. A lot can change-has changed-in that time, but apparently not the tire marks Griffin's Mustang left on the sunbaked asphalt.' BUT FOR THE LAKE RATHER THAN THE ROAD IF THE FACT THAT THE LAKE IS DRAINING MIGHT REVEAL SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO THE STORY, OTHERWISE THIS FALLS INTO CHEKHOV'S GUN TERRITORY AGAIN.
My palm gives a phantom throb, and the sensation of water pouring into my lungs makes my chest burn. IS 'MY PALM GIVES A PHANTOM THROB, AND' NECESSARY HERE? OR WOULD THE SENTENCE BE STRONGER WITHOUT IT. For one moment of panic, DON'T TELL US SHE'S PANICKING ONE SENTENCE AFTER YOU SHOW US SHE'S PANICKING. ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'VE SHOWN IT WITH HER CHEST ACTUALLY BURNING. SHOW IT MORE. Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, as if gurgling up through the depths. His flesh gives way to rot as he begs me to help him. THIS MIGHT WORK BETTER AS ONE SENTENCE TO GIVE IT BETTER FLOW: 'Griffin's terrified face flashes in front of me, gurgling up through the depths, flesh giving way to rot as he begs me to help him' FROM THERE YOU CAN WORK ON ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO CHANGE. ASK YOURSELF IF 'TERRIFIED' IS NEEDED. OR IF 'IN FRONT OF ME' IS NEEDED, SINCE YOU THEN HAVE 'BEGS ME' AND REPEATING WORDS IS SOMETHING EVERY AUTHOR SHOULD BE AWARE OF, ESPECIALLY IN THE SAME SENTENCE AND THE SAME PARAGRAPH.
I back away, drawing quick, painful breaths. I didn't come here to get pulled under by another memory from that night. My therapist encouraged this harebrained plan, saying I might find healing in the waters. But it isn't healing I need-it's answers. SOMETIMES, ESPECIALLY IN FIRST PERSON POV, IT'S DIFFICULT TO AVOID CONSECUTIVE SENTENCES STARTING WITH 'I' BUT KEEP AN EYE OUT AND TRY TO ELIMINATE ANY SENTENCES IN THE SAME PARAGRAPH THAT START WITH THE SAME WORD, NO MATTER WHAT THE WORD IS. IN THE SAME VEIN, YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO START EVERY PARAGRAPH WITH THE SAME WORD (ESPECIALLY ON THE SAME PAGE). MINOR TECHNICALITIES THAT EDITING IS FOR. AGAIN, IS 'HAREBRAINED' ONE WORD OR TWO? HYPHEN? I LOVE THE WAY YOU SET THINGS UP THAT MAKES THE READER WANT TO TURN THE PAGE.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)