Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 10

The Crichton Heir

Historical Romance



The smile faded from his face the instant she locked eyes with him. He had only seen her without her spectacles once before, and he barely remembered, not having been the least bit curious about Maggie’s new companion.


He certainly didn't remember the large almond shaped eyes, as dark as the soil under their feet. She glared at him through thick long black lashes. He could now see why her spectacles wouldn't stay up, given her patrician nose. Her cheeks were flushed, and her full lips slightly parted. Time seemed to stop.


Josephine wasn't surprised by the reaction that Frederick had. He looked shocked, as though she were a stranger. Narrowing her eyes in anger, she took two long strides over to him, jerking the spectacles out of his hand. His arms hung limply by his side, his jaw seemed to be unhinged. Sliding the old, ill-fitting glasses back onto her face, she felt as if a wall had been thrown up between her and the world, once again.


“What? Did you expect my eyes to be crossed? Perhaps you should close your mouth, before you find it home to a swarm of midges. You could make yourself useful by helping fix the mess you and Margaret made of Irma’s garden.”


Frederick felt as if he'd had the wind knocked out of him. It took a moment to recover, but when he did, he realized that Josephine thought he'd been the one to tumble around with Margaret.

12 comments:

Luc2 said...

Too much description, and I think your POV's aren't tight enough. this seems to be both from Frederick's POV and Josephine's POV.

Blodwyn said...

I agree that there's too much description and that the POVs bounce around - it's hard to tell who is the MC and who is the secondary character when we are getting thoughts from both.

fairchild said...

I think the secondary is Josephine. Even though I prefer action to speak for a character rather than description, this one worked for me for some reason.

It started with Fredrick's pov of her surprising beauty and then it's coupled with Josephine's reaction toward Fredrick. So I got some of her physical traits along with her personality.

It worked for me.

Lori said...

This would work better as a scene if you didn't shift POVs half-way through, IMHO.

Alicia said...

I have no idea who is supposed to be the SC, since the viewpoint jumps from Frederick to Josephine at the midpoint. I don't get a sense of either of them, other than their physical characteristics. I'd suggestion sticking to one viewpoint within a scene.

Sponge said...

Hmmm... a lot of description straight up. But since it's histro, I guess it can be expected.

I don't really know which one is the MC, since the pov switches.

I like Frederick better as a MC, suggest sticking with his pov.

gypsywitch said...

The pov switch threw me but I'm going to go with Josephine as the SC. It was a bit hard to get a concrete feel for either character with all the description and not much actual interaction.

Esther Jade said...

I think she's the SC but it's hard to know with the switching POV. She made the stronger impression, but only once it was in her POV.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if I am supposed to comment on my own post, but I wanted to clarify something that seems to be causing problems for the readers. Frederick and Josephine are BOTH secondary characters.

Thanks for the great feedback so far! My middle name is Revise!

:)

Mary said...

I don't mind the switching POV, as long as it's between paragraphs. I'm used to seeing it in romance.

I got a stronger feel for Josephine, as Frederick was stunned the entire passage. I liked the wall comment with the glasses. It says a lot about her character, more so than all the physical description.

Jessica said...

Your POVs are a little messy, and I couldn't really tell who was the SC and the MC. HOwever, you have a lot of good description.

Anne S said...

The POV might work better if it were fully omniscient, but judging just for description, this sounds like a well-done scene in the romance genre. (They're not, you know, sparse with the descriptives).
I liked it.