Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 7

Title: Charlotte
Genre: Women's fiction

“It’s about time!”

“Happy to see you too, Lora.”

“Oh, you know I am.”

Ahead of them, Daniel turned back to look and Charlotte gave a little wave. Lora clutched her arm.

“Char, you didn’t.”

“Didn’t what?”

“Charlotte! You just got home yesterday.”

She braced herself for the lecture.

“Who is he? Just some guy off the street?”

Charlotte rolled her eyes. “I do have standards, okay? Don’t you recognize him?”

Lora watched him disappear through the front doors of the hotel. That was a view she ought to recognize.

“Picture the blue uniform.”

“Holy C*****! Are you kidding me?” Lora punched her hard in the arm.

“J**** Lora. You’d better hope the seamstress can sew some sleeves on my dress because that’s going to bruise.”

They walked outside, Lora craning her neck in the opposite direction of the parking lot to see Daniel walking down the block.

“Where’s he going?”

“His car’s parked at the Red Room. We had dinner together.”

“I hope you made him pay at least.”


“What? I’m serious. I mean, s***. The cop from four years ago? I don’t know if I should high-five you or punch you again.” She unlocked the car doors.

“I’m not getting in this car if you’re going to inflict more bodily harm.”

Lora grinned. “Okay, I won’t. Just get in. We’re going to be late.”

Charlotte groaned. “We are not going to be late. Stop being such a Bridezilla.”


  1. I think Lora's the secondary character - she sounds like the kinda friends I have :) Supportive, although a bit uncertain about Charlotte's new boyfriend/partner. I smiled :) Works for me!

  2. Hah, well done. The dialogue, the clutching and the punching, it all gave me a vivid image of Lora. Excellent.

  3. It may be due to the "drop the needle" nature of this, but I think there are some POV problems.

    I think this is Charlotte: "She braced herself for the lecture" - which is inside her head, and that this is Lora: "That was a view she ought to recognize." Unless that last line was Charlotte's thoughts about Lora. If it's Charlotte's thoughts IMO it should be clarified.

    Otherwise, very good. Good dialog, good sense of the characters and their relationship as well as what happened to bring them to this point.

  4. The dialogue was really good. I think Lora is the secondary, and I think she really jumped off the page. I could easily imagine her. With her jabs and her remarks.

  5. Love the "Bridezilla" reference. I used to call my youngest daughter Bratzilla. Ha!

    This is okay, though I didn't get much sense of the women's relationship from this excerpt. It's tough to judge something out of context, but I didn't feel much from this as far as character goes. I think the secondary could be developed more, seen better. The dialogue doesn't do enough in this example.

  6. Unfortunately, I didn't think the characters' dialogue was unique enough to determine who the main and secondary characters were. Even "dropping the needle" like this, all characters should have a unique voice, IMHO.

  7. There seems to be something wrong with the viewpoint. I feel like the narrative jumps between Lora and Charlotte from paragraph to paragraph. For the longest time, I couldn't figure out how Lora knows Daniel's name when she acts like she's never seen him -- until I realized that his name is coming from Charlotte's head.

    The dialogue flows well and feels realistic. Lora seems like a critical friend, at least from Charlotte's thoughts. If Lora is supposed to be the SC, I feel like I'm getting a better picture of Charlotte from the scene.

  8. I think the SC is Charlotte and Lora's the MC.

    I agree with blodwyn: Some POV problems.

  9. Lora seems like a fun character, in a supportive roll. The dialogue between friends is very believaable.

  10. I was a bit confused with this one. Lora seemed to be the POV character but I would also say she was the character that communicated most strongly in the piece. The piece as a whole was good but if Charlotte was the secondary, I don't know if she came across that strongly.

  11. I got a strong sense of character from Lora. Not my favorite type of person. The friend who is a bit harsh and abusive, but you put up with them anyway.

  12. Nice work. The exchange comes across naturally and both characters have individual voices. I can tell Charlotte is the MC (and not just because of the title) and Lora is good support.

  13. I have assume by the title that Lora is the secondary character here. I am definitely getting that she's abrasive and a bit jealous. I don't know much else about her from this excerpt, though.

  14. I'm guessing Lora is the SC. She's very realistic. Nice work!

  15. Lora is the SC, the fun friend, the one who knows everything about the MC. It's obvious they've been friends for a long time (the cop from 4 years ago) and their relationship shows that. How they can just launch into comfortable territory (the arm punching, verbal jabs) after being separated for a while.

    It's great!