Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 2

Genre: sci-fi/biopunk
Word count: 240

“Just get the vampire, Wolf. I have a beautiful woman playing coy with me over a ceremony.”

“Tell her where her place is,” Trevor suggested.

“She’s an alpha.” Lachlan sighed.

He laughed. “Your toast.”

“I’m not the one aiming to win Virginia Victoria Dare,” Lachlan reminded him. “I’ve never met a woman more frightening than my sister.”

A gnawing worry crept into Trevor’s mind. “Dare, you didn’t plan, in any way shape or form the meeting with your sister. Did you?”

“You came and found me,” Lachlan said with a smug tone. “I didn’t force you to walk up and say hi.”

The comm went dead and Trevor stared. He was a lone wolf. No Pack, no Clan, nothing to make him great and powerful but his own skill and the loyalty of those that were Dragon Guarding. Lachlan Dare had found him and been more a brother than a friend. He knew the man like no one in any caste could claim too. He knew Lachlan’s secrets. But some days he swore the man was ‘pathic. He always knew where to be. He always got lucky. You couldn’t gamble with Lord Dare, he never lost.

And now Lachlan Dare was giving him the chance to woo the beautiful, lethal, and elusive Lady Virginia Victoria Dare.

He dialed the comm line.


“I want Kassandra of Troy on the comm line in an hour. Kill, bribe, beg, but do it.”


  1. Never keen on being first.

    Um, I think the secondary character is Lachlan (sorry if I'm wrong). He stands out to me as a womaniser. Don't like him, but I like the characterisation.

    (I want to read more!)

  2. The piece itself is compelling, and I would read on, but I find it disappointing that the main information I get about Dare is what we get from Trevor's thoughts, not from dare's action or dialogue.

  3. I loved the line with the "smug tone" tag - it gave a good sense of Dare's personality. I second the above post that it would be stronger if the Trevor's thoughts were interspersed with some dialog from Dare.

    I got a little lost on 'pathic - I'm guessing this is explained in other parts of the story; and the first your I think should be "you're."

  4. I'm also guessing Lachlan is the secondary because it's Trevor's POV.

    I got a start of a picture of Lachlan through his dialogue but I don't know if Trevor's internal thoughts on him really help build him as a believable character.

  5. I get a good idea of what kind of person Dare is here, but I would rather see it through action than the block of thought so I could form my own opinions.

  6. I think Dare could be an interesting character but I didn't get that from this particular piece. The dialogue at the start was good but the end half got a little confusing with everything going on.

  7. Lachlan would be the SC, right? Most of the information about him comes from Trevor's thoughts. The pieces of Lachlan from the dialogue make him sound unlikable, but Trevor describes him as "more a brother than a friend", which paints a whole different picture. I'd prefer learning more about Lachlan from his actions and not from Trevor's head.

  8. I'm afraid I could't get into the scene because of:

    1) Several grammar and spelling errors.

    2) A lack of descriptions, gestures, or anything else to help cement the characters and setting for us.

    3) A big paragraph of extrapolation (i.e., Telling).


  9. Lachlan seems like a teasing older brother type. Other than that, the information I get is what Trevor tells me.

    The most intriguing part here is the last paragraph. I want to hear more about Kassandra of Troy. ;-)

    As for Lachlan, I'd need more to get a better sense of his character. You did good showing what you did with just a phone call though.

  10. Hm... Lachlan/SC isn't present and we just hear what he has to say over the comm.

    But I do like his voice. Both character voices are individual and come across strong. Nice work on your MC.

  11. So... Lachlan is secondary? I'm guessing because of the POV and his descript comes from Trevor's thoughts.

    POV isn't always the way to tell though. If you have multiple POV's then this could be the wrong assumption to make.

  12. I had a hard time with this scene for a sort of silly reason.

    He laughed. “Your toast.”

    After reading the whole scene, it became clear that you mean "You're toast." But for a while, I was picturing a lovely chat over breakfast, which really clashed with the direction of the piece. Plus I got confused when "the comm went dead." because I assumed Trevor was passing Lachlan his toast a few moments earlier.

    And I do think there is too much exposition. I'm not getting much characterization on Lachlan here, except by exposition.

    I think the dialog itself worked well.

  13. I had a hard time telling who the SC is. I think it was Lachlan, but sorry if I'm wrong. I don't like his character, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

    I think you could've chose a better piece, but I like the internal dialogue in this.

  14. First off:
    However, you're not the first to make that mistake... With all these texting slangs nowadays, a lot of people are getting confused.
    Also, I'm a bit confused at whether Trevor or Lachlan is the SC you're aiming to describe...