Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 35

Title: Game, Set, Murder
Genre: Mystery
“We need to talk.”

Kate’s father had placed his six-foot frame in the doorway, blocking her exit. “Dad, I’m going home. Carlos is headed there right now.”

“He’s what we need to talk about.”

“We’ve already discussed him.”

He held up a manila envelope. “Not this we haven’t.”

She steeled herself for yet another argument. “What’s that?”

He took two strides into the room. “I won’t apologize for protecting you.”

“God, what did you do?”

“Kate, you have your future---”

“What did you do?”

He glared at her. “I hired a PI to check him out.”

“How dare you interfere in my life like that?”

His eyes narrowed. “Don’t get an attitude with me, young lady.”

“I’m thirty-years old!”

“You should be glad I did it.”

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”

Her father let a hint of victory show in his eyes. “He’s not who you think he is.”

Kate snatched up her briefcase and purse. “I’m not going to stand here and listen to this.” She headed toward the door.

“He’s married.”

Stopping dead, Kate kept her back to him.

“He’s been separated for a few months, but he’s still married.” The victorious expression she’d seen in his eyes contrasted with the sadness in his voice. “He has three young daughters.”

“Great, Dad,” she snarled and continued moving through the door. “Just great.”

“Wait, honey.”

Ignoring the compassion he now decided to show, she turned on him. “You’ve done enough. Leave me alone.”


  1. oooh, I can't stand him! Awesome!!!!!!! good job, I could feel the exchange. I like!

  2. Yes, I got a sense of the father: interfering and domineering. Well done with the dialog and reactions from the MC.

  3. Good showing, but this phrase Ignoring the compassion he now decided to show, she turned on him came across very awkward. I suggest rewording.

  4. I got a good sense of Kate's father, and his overcontrolling/intrusive nature.

  5. I got a good picture of the father. Interfering and cold when it suits him. His conflicting emotions for Kate come across well. Good dialogue from both characters.

  6. The dad came across as more of a smarmy git than truly protective-- i.e., more concerned with being right than taking care of Kate's best interests. So if that was your intention, spot on!

    I would add, though, that I think the scene would be stronger if you added some gestures or descriptions to the back-and-forth dialogue to make it flow more naturally. Just a suggestion.

  7. I agree, a couple of dialogue beats would be good. Other then that, he comes across very well. His intentions are obviously to suit himself instead of his daughter. Nicely done!

  8. I didn't get smarmy or controlling or intrusive from this, but I really liked it. I did get conflicted emotions from both of them, and hints of a very intense relationship -- not necessarily pleasant, but intense -- between the father and daughter. The father seemed unhappy that he was correct in his suspicions. I'd like to read more. :-)

  9. I'm thinking the father is the SC.

    He comes across as kind of an overbearing father who feels he has his grown daughter's safety/happiness in mind as his excuse for interfering. Something, apparently, that she's experienced from him in the past.

  10. I loved this exchange between the mc and sc. Very clear and kept me reading.

  11. How can she see the victorious expression in her father's eyes if she has her back to him?

    I'm getting a lot of mixed signals 1) he's concerned enough to get a PI,

    2) he's father enough not to tolerate her disrespectful mouthing off,

    3) he's tight enough not to waste his money and not make her see what the PI found,

    4) he may be faking his support for her.

    In other words, a rather complex character for just one scene. Well done.


  12. SC is Kate's dad - and I think he did the right thing by telling her that. He acted like a father should.

  13. He certainly fit the profile of a father that cares. You show this relationship between father and daughter very well.
    Good job.

  14. I'm guessing the dad is the SC and he came across as being really well-rounded - he wants to protect his daughter; he's glad to be proven right but he doesn't want to see her hurt. And all in 250 words!

  15. Great work here. The dad is totally believable in the dialogue, action, and premise.

    I would only nitpick at things like this:

    *He glared at her.

    *His eyes narrowed.

    *Her father let a hint of victory show in his eyes.

    *Ignoring the compassion he now decided to show (in his eyes I assume)

    I know how easy it is to just focus on a person's eyes when showing their emotions (heaven knows I do that enough myself), but people use more than their eyes to show their emotions. It's their whole body and even their movements and tone of voice. And sometimes it isn't even necessary to describe their expressions or body language, because the dialogue and their actions (like: He held up a manilla envelope ) is strong enough.

  16. Great job! There's so much with the father. He's protective, but a little triumphant, and also sad. He's very real, and reminds me of my own dad, in a way.

  17. Nice job showing the father. I get that he's still a bit too protective and a bit domineering but in some way really believes he's doing what's best for her.