Title: The Morretain Prince
Genre: YA Fantasy
Aydin wore his defiance like a banner; head tilted as if he were proud about Elerosse’s injuries. “Rosse isn’t even a full elf. He’s a blood traitor and a morretain. He got what he deserved.”
Kieren tensed. Her nephew was not the first to say such things since Elerosse’s birth, but he certainly was the youngest. “Where did you learn that filthy word?”
The elfling crossed his arms. “Real elves told me all about humans. How they used to kill our kind just for sport. They say you shamed yourself by marrying one and having his half-breed.”
Kieren pushed past Javad and grabbed the boy’s shoulders. She shook him, hard. Her fingernails dug into his skin and he winced. “Because of an idiotic blood prejudice, you would kill my child? Your future king?”
“Stop it! You’re hurting me!”
“Release my son,” Javad warned.
She ignored him. “Is that your excuse for hurting my son? Speak, or so help me I will feed you to a grigor beast!”
Javad pulled his son from her grasp and pushed him towards his brother. “Boys, go to your chambers. I shall speak with you later.”
Aydin cast a final, hateful sneer over his shoulder before following Aiya. Kieren wanted to run after them; wanted them to feel like she did. Angry, and hurt, and terrified she’d never see her child alive again. And it’s their fault. How did it come to this, that elves would turn against their own?
I think Avid's the secondary. I want to slap him: I'm not surprised that Kieren went for him. Eugh! Such an attitude. Definitely real for me.
ReplyDeleteI think Avid comes out really well in this piece. He's such a mean-spirited, smarmy twerp! Good job.
ReplyDeleteOh dear. MSFV did something horrible to your sub.
ReplyDeleteLet me see...
Kieren sounds like your MC, based on the amount of personal thought from her, which means that everyone else here are SCs.
Aydin is a real snot, and his father is aiding and abetting.
[smacks both of them]
I would say most of the focus is on Aydin and not so much his mother who fades into the background a bit (although she seems to be in the foreground). His voice sounds good - I would probably add the expression on his face as well as give a general idea of the setting (like who was standing where). Anyway, the kid sounds like a real snotbag.
I would say most of the focus is on Aydin and not so much his mother who fades into the background a bit (although she seems to be in the foreground).
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. I meant "father" instead of "mother". I originally thought Javin (sp?) was a woman.
I got a sense of Aydin as a prejudiced, arrogant kid - so I think the passage gets the SC across.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Aydin is the SC and Kieren is a MC.
ReplyDeleteAydin talks a big story, but doesn't seem to be able to take it. "Stop it! You're hurting me!" A small-minded kid who is being lead by prejudices of those around him. Makes me wonder whether he'll survives his comeuppance and become a better man.
Aydin's the SC here, and this looks like an excellent setup for some simmering resentment and an evil deed in the future. Kieren better watch him closely.
ReplyDeleteNitpick: ÿou don't need "beast after "grigor". The feeding part gives plenty of info. Would you call a lion a lion beast?
Aydin would be the SC, right? He comes across as a brat who can't think for himself. He's listening to the prejudices of others and doing violence in the name of things he doesn't fully understand. Javad seems indifferent and probably helped instill some of Aydin's prejudices. Aydin looks like someone who could become truly dangerous or truly redeemed. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI've seen parts of this but I like the tension between the characters here. I think you're doing a good job of capturing their prejudices.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Aydin is the SC and he definitely comes across as being a real little brat. I could see how someone would want to throttle him.
ReplyDeletePlease, someone smack that horrible child! What is it with elflings these days? They have no respect for different others, the bigoted little heathens.
ReplyDeleteSeriously, I liked this. Nice tension, and nice range of emotions. Aydin...not so nice. Well-rendered, but definitely not nice.
Also not nice is whatever Blogger got into its head about the proper way to display a posting. Gotta love technology!
LOL on the exploding letters. I hope that wasn't on purpose.
ReplyDeleteI like the secondary. Snarky, mouthy, nasty piece of work. What more could you ask for?
Holy Wacky Formatting! *snort*
ReplyDeleteBut Aydin works nicely here. :)
Aydin has quite an attitude! He's aggrevating, but very real.
ReplyDelete