Title: The Bibliophile
Genre: Thriller / Urban Fantasy
Serial killers require a souvenir of their conquest, their art. Detective Christian Blake knew this as he pulled Nuriel from its holster and kicked in the bedroom door. The wooden frame groaned and splintered. Blake aimed Nuriel at the dark shape bent down in front of the closet.
"Stand up slowly," Blake said to the black-robed figure. All he could see was his own daughter’s face grafted over the skinned body in the symbol-covered box. He summoned all his will against squeezing the trigger. He was a good cop, he told himself.
The man stood, his knees popping. A hood shadowed his face. He raised his hands, but in one swift motion, threw a white powder. Blake recoiled from the cloud, covering his face with his arms.
After the powder passed, Blake scanned the room. The killer’s legs slid out of view through the window and Blake heard the body thump against the wet pavement outside. He hoped that the guy broke something on his way down, but the echoing footsteps suggested otherwise. Blake yelled after the suspect as he shimmied out the window. His stomach wasn’t as flat as it used to be and Blake felt his age as he maneuvered into the back alley between the row houses of Philly’s South Side. A wisp of black robe rounded the corner.
Blood. Box. His daughter’s face. His not-daughter. Blood-wet hair.
"You’re going to pay," Blake said under his breath and started running.
He was a good cop. Really.
Uhn...no. But I think that's because it isn't something I usually read.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph: He names his gun... :o
Second paragraph: Queasy...
Third paragraph: Why did he recoil? Did the powder sting?
Fourth Paragraph: You didn't show Blake's landing after shimming otu the window. This doesn't match with his previous hope the guy broke something... if that makes sense.
I think I would read the rest of the chapter, to see "what" he's chasing. But again I'm not sure if it's my type of thing..
This IS my kind of thing, and it's got some serious potential, but I'm not sure it's quite there yet. It felt a little too rushed to me. I think this could be fleshed out into an entire chapter that really gives us insight into your character and his motivations and really built up the tension of him going into that room. I didn't feel invested in him quite enough to care one way or another about what he did, or to agree to disagree with the assertion that he's really a good guy. There are some good tidbits here, like the name of his gun, but not enough to make me really care about him. Give us more, and I think you'll really hook us.
ReplyDeleteIt's not my thing but I think it's going in the right direction. Nice last line. Nice weirdness, Hanibal Lecter-y stuff. Nice paranormal introduction without explanation just dropping the reader into the world. All good. I agree it might be a little rushed. I was confused whether the guy in the cloak had his daughter face on and was also in the box.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph needs to be edited and probably broken into two. I liked the first line - but the rest of the paragraph does not fit.
ReplyDeleteNo.
This feels like a rough draft and I don't think you've found your voice yet. Chronology is off: he kicked in the bedroom door, THEN the wooden frame groaned and splintered (would a kicked-in door really groan?). Also, Blake yelled after the suspect AS he shimmied out the window, yet he'd just heard the body (like it's dead?) thump against the wet pavement.
ReplyDeleteBe careful of your word choices. Pay attention to the correct order in which the actions fall.
It needs work, but I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteI'd take some of the suggestions above.
It didn't hook me, the naming of the gun threw me off, and the action needs a little work. I agree with Karen, the chronology seemed off to me.
ReplyDeleteI like the knees popping. It needs refining, but there is a lot of information in this first page. I'd like to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to read on, but a few things in this threw me off; naming the gun; order of thigs happening, as mentioned above; covering his face with his arms - most people would cover their face with their hands, to cover their nose and mouth etc. Otherwise, a pretty good start
ReplyDeleteI liked this one A LOT. It's obviously still in the editing stage and needs some more work, but it has such potential!
ReplyDeleteAlong with the suggestions for editing made by others, watch your spelling. If you are writing as an American and the story takes place in Philly, don't use blatant British spellings.
I liked it although I found the blood, box thing disturbing and somewhat confusing. It didn't feel rough to me. I'm struck by how often I have opposite opinions on here!
ReplyDeleteI might read on. On the one hand, it's not really my thing and it's quite gory. On the other, the main character sounds really sympathetic and the sort of character I would enjoy. I would probably end up reading a few pages to get more of a feel for the book.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading, but I agree this needs some more work (for all the reasons mentioned above). The naming of the gun is a nice touch, but might Blake consider it either male or female instead of the neuter "it?" In addition, I think there are some more precise word choices that could be made. For example, think about the way powder moves ("passed?"). Also, in what way did "Blake feel his age" as he chased the perp?
ReplyDeleteThis is an excellent start, though! Good luck with it! You've already established a dark, foreboding tone. :-)
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ReplyDeleteNot quite yet. The interjections about Blake's daughter disrupted me from the present action, which is where I think your focus needs to be, and where it needs to stay. The rest of the backstory can come later, and isn't essential for understanding this scene.
ReplyDeleteProbably not -- this isn't my genre, and the character's voice wasn't distinctive enough to draw me in. To me, he seems like just another cop. I can't find anything to make him different and interesting and make me care, sorry.
ReplyDeleteHmm. I might read more. I like the idea of Blake being a tortured cop because of something horrible that happened to his daughter. The scene of the crime seems unique and disturbing. I love UF, but I'm not as big on cop protagonists as some readers. I'd read at least a little more to see if Blake grows on me and how the plot unfolds.
ReplyDeleteIt definitely has potential, but I didn't get a real feel for the MC, even with the inner thoughts given. The first line didn't grab me at all. I'd probably read on though, to find out a little more about his daughter.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteReferring to his gun as Nuriel was off-putting right away. Why does the gun need a name?
"daughter’s face grafted over the skinned body in the symbol-covered box."
I'm not getting the imagery. Is his daughter there? Is there a dead body there? Is the box a coffin?
"His daughter’s face. His not-daughter. Blood-wet hair."
I'm confused what does this mean?
I like detective thrillers and would probably read this one a little further without those confusing bits.
Sorry, no. It was confusing. Where was he seeing his daughter's face? Box? What? I might just be a little slow on the up-take, but if I have to read something again to understand it, I tend to move on to the next book. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis is the sort of thing I normally avoid, but I wanted to make some comments. 1. Naming his gun was a turn off. Sorry. It made him feel like a teen, but he's an adult cop with a daughter. 2. The whole daughter's face thing was confusing. 3. He seems as cold as the killer if his daughter has been murdered by this man. There's no force on earth - including gravity and a long fall - that would stop a parent from following their child's murderer through that window. And a parent would be kicking, not congratulating themselves on being a good cop. I'm sorry, I think you have a situation that's promising, but needs a lot of work.
ReplyDeleteNot yet. It feels a bit rough and rushed, and I hated the term "shadowy figure" (I would have stopped there out of reflex) but the situation and the genre appeal to me so with work, I would give this a yes.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Feels confused, rushed and needs a good polish. Maybe yes if I saw it polished, but as it stands, no.
ReplyDeleteThere's some great potential here and some great comments upthread about fixes (chronology, clarifying what he sees when he enters the room) and all those are points I'd love to see you take and incorporate here. When you do, I think this really could sing.
ReplyDeleteThe main character felt a bit cliche to me... the whole hunting killers because his daughter died. It doesn't help that it's no my genre as far as what I like to read, so perhaps it's just not my style.
ReplyDelete