GENRE: Fantasy
The goddess caressed the trunk of one of the oaks. She didn't look at them, but must have sensed their presence. "So many tears shed for Him. All immortalized in these trees. His memory lives on." A single tear fell from her eye. She caught it and pressed it into the bark. "The enchanters feared us. Hated us for our power, though we had no thoughts to use it against them. We merely wanted to live. If only we had stayed on my isle. I could have prolonged his life so he would still be with me. But I wanted to share both worlds with him.
"They followed us here. I received a message that they were slaughtering all fey in their path. But there was no time to form an army to face theirs. I had only the fey that shadowed me on their pilgrimages, and those that lived here. Hundreds of enchanters stormed this forest, and they turned its animal inhabitants against us. I don't think they could have killed me, but he sacrificed himself for me and my children." Her aura darkened as she knelt in the center of the clearing. Marian cringed as a ring of fire encircled the goddess, grateful for the snow that held it at bay. The flames rose in a cyclone of air in Her fury. "Monderay, you shall not be forgotten. They will suffer, as I have without you."
As the flames died and the air calmed, Eleuteria rose and smiled.
I think the secondary character could be the goddess: I think Marian is the main one. I can feel an aura about her, she definitely isn't like Marian, she seems a bit otherworldy. Real for me.
ReplyDeleteLemme see...
ReplyDeleteThe goddess (Eleutra?) is the secondary character.
First - this excerpt thing is tough, because I imagine if I read more of the chapter, the goddess would have stood out more. The bulk of this excerpt is her talking (which is fine, but it doesn't help me see her.
I like the first sentence there, but it could have been aided by a description of her or her movement. The next dialogue break you have a single tear (bad, bad, bad cliche) and that turned me off. You also need to break this up a little bit - when her dialogue breaks, jump to a new paragraph. Otherwise, you can have people glazing over what looks like a huge chunk of dialogue.
Otherwise, this gives us a glimpse of what must be a cool story<:
Eleuteria seems very uncanny. I think her actions spoke more than her words. Her hugging the tree and crying, the aura, the flames, and the last two lines made her stand out.
ReplyDeleteSorry, this seems like one big infodump and i can't get a clear view on anything.
ReplyDeleteYou had some good descriptions of her actions, and I like the ideas behind what is happening here. However, it does strike me as a rather large info-dump. I got some sense of the goddess, but more a sense of the story.
ReplyDeleteHeh. I probably should have taken time to find an excerpt with less history. Appreciating the comments though. Keep them coming. :-)
ReplyDeleteThe goddess would be the SC, right? There is a lot of information to digest in this scene, so it's a little difficult for me to grasp much about Eleuteria. Other than feeling like she's longwinded, I don't know much else about her. I'm afraid information dumping in dialogue is still considered an information dump.
ReplyDeleteGood, I like to see the gods get involved in fantasy. :o) She sounds like a very sad person, good writing.
ReplyDeleteBecause the Goddess' speech is so long, I couldn't tell if she was the MC or if it was Marian. There was no discernable POV character in here, again because it's so dialogue heavy.
ReplyDeleteAnd ditto with what luc2 said-- her speech seems more a plot device to give the readers info that they need to know, rather than being unique to the character. Sorry.
From this scene I get a real sense of her saddness and her anger. She has power, and it seems like she wants revenge for the life that was taken, but I'm not sure she will use her power that way. She might just be upset at the moment, and cool down later. I thought it was a good scene.
ReplyDeleteCount me in with the info-dump contingent, I'm afraid. (Take that with a grain of salt, though. This is such a short snippet, it's hard to tell whether this bit would read as a massive info-dump in a larger story.) I got a sense of the goddess' sadness and a bit of repressed power, but what I mostly got was history.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure who is the SC here. In some ways, I want to say it is Monderay. I'm just not sure.
ReplyDeleteI get the sense that the goddess's memories of Monderay and the choice she made to share both worlds with him and his sacrifice to save her and her children will be a powerful motivator to her future actions.
""So many tears shed for Him. All immortalized in these trees. His memory lives on." A single tear fell from her eye. She caught it and pressed it into the bark."
ReplyDeleteI love that part, not only does your SC character tell the reader, she shows us with her actions.
Good stuff.
:) Terri
I think the goddess is the SC. This reminds me of the moment when Scarlett O'Hara decides she'll never be hungry again - different type of thing but same steely decision.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get too much of a read on her character though; the scene conveyed her emotions for a specific moment more, I think.
If this is your sc, I hope you've got a very powerful mc!
ReplyDeleteI'm half with the info-dump camp, half with the idea that this probably works better in a larger context. I think I want more to decide.
This is a place where the words we use bring certain images/archetypes/perceptions into play. Good authors choose words that simultaneously play on those thoughts and expand them to fulfill the character in the story. At this point, I'm thinking that's what you've done with "goddess" and "fey" and it's working for me.
Kizmet, who remembers The Illiad and what happens when you anger a goddess (or two.)