Title: MYSTIC TAXI
Genre: Urban Fantasy
"Shut up." The first cop circled Henry slowly. "Who said you could talk, Spawnster?"
Henry winced at the nickname given to half-breeds. Living among humans as human children had been easy until puberty, when signs of their demon side started showing up. Hellspawn. What a surprise, for everyone.
"Curfew breakers get tossed in the clink." The cop jerked his chin at Mac. "Get the squirter from back of the steamer."
"Ah, Ned, that's goin' a bit far, ain't it?"
"Bullets won't hardly stop him," Ned said, circling around to stand in front of Henry again. "But I know what doesn't heal so fast." Mac handed Ned what looked like a rifle with a tank the size of a small fire extinguisher attached to the stock.
Sweat beaded on Henry's forehead.
"You recognize this, do ya?" Ned grinned, showing a silver tooth that glinted in the light cast by a gas lamp on the sidewalk. "It's a brine gun. You never know when you're gonna meet up with a trouble-making Spawnster."
Henry shifted uneasily on his feet. "I didn't make trouble—"
"I told you to shut up!" Ned lifted the gun and aimed it at Henry's face.
Henry sucked in a breath. Salt water. Not lethal to Hellspawn, but it burned like acid. He'd seen the scars worn by friends who'd been sprayed with the stuff. Never having had the pleasure himself, he sure as hell didn't want it now.
I think the secondary character is Ned - and I think he's evil. He doesn't think much of Henri, and isn't going to turn a blind eye to whatever he's done. Realistic for me.
ReplyDeleteI was completely hating Ned by the end of this bit, so I'm hoping that was what you were aiming for. Sounds like something I'd love to read. Great title too :-)
ReplyDeleteToo much infodump, IMO, and Ned seems like a cliche bad cop. Maybe it's meant to be over the top, but not really my taste.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a bit too much info dropping - could cut him telling Henry about the Brine gun. But I think Ned's character came out and I got a good sense of him.
ReplyDeleteI think it's Ned. He came across well, but I agree with luc2 that he didn't seem different from the typical cop with an attitude.
ReplyDeleteI'm assuming Ned as the secondary character. I see him as a cop that has a real problem with whatever (ethnic, race, alien group)that he sees as trouble. Maybe not a real original character, but I like where you've morphed him to fit the story. Interesting to see where your story goes.
ReplyDeleteI kinda agree with Luc2 that Ned comes across as your typical cliche cop. Phrases like "tossed in the clink" and "You never know when you're gonna meet up with..." have been a quintessential part of cop shows since the 1930s.
ReplyDeleteIs Ned the SC? While I don't think he makes a new and defining sort of character, I know that I don't like him. I despised him within a couple of paragraphs. Good job making me hate him.
ReplyDeleteNed seemed a bit stereotypical but he works as a character we're not supposed to like.
ReplyDeleteNed seems to be the secondary. I do think his personality communicates clearly but as others have mentioned he reads, with just this section to go on, as a type rather than a distinctive personality.
ReplyDeleteI have a strong dislike for Ned. He does come across as a stereotypical racist cop.
ReplyDeleteThanks, everyone, for your comments. Yep, Ned's the SC, a very minor foil, and you're right, he's an asshat. This particular scene happens on page eight of the first chapter. I've only written 10 pages of the book so far, which is why I wanted to post it here for feedback. Ned is more of a prop than a character at this point, but he'll show up again later in the book, always at the most inopportune time. The story takes place in an industrial age 21st century, where coal is king and steam is the dream. I'm using a lot of turn of the century slang mixed with early 20th. Very fun, very experimental. I'll see where it goes. Thanks again! 8^)
ReplyDeletePostively speaking, you have a good concept here and your MC (Henry) is sympathetic. The choice of weaponry was unique too.
ReplyDeleteMy problem with your SC(s), Ned and Mac, is that without their names I can't tell them apart. They are just stereotypical bullies. You could shake this up by changing their characters a little bit, making them more individual.
I thought Ned was clearly a creep. That's well established. I do think there are bits that could be trimmed. For example, in the second paragraph the rest of the paragraph shows he's a half-breed, so I felt like the "given to half-breeds" wasn't necessary. I also got a little tangled up in the "humans as human" repetition. Maybe, "Living as human children" or "Passing as human children" or something along those lines?
ReplyDeleteI found the story intriguing and would be interested to read more.
I officially hate Ned. He's really quite evil...you've done a great job of making him real though.
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