GENRE: Middle-Grade--Young Adult
Daniel Quinn was accustomed to falling asleep at the same time every night. He was also accustomed to waking at the same time every day. So, to say he was surprised one morning to wake somewhere other than his room, would be grossly understated.
Yet Daniel was curious, even more curious than most eleven-year-olds. Waking somewhere other than his own bed should have made him nervous, but it didn't. His desire to explore far outweighed any fear. With every step forward, Daniel heard strange noises in the distance, the shapes he couldn't quite make out.
Suddenly he heard whistling right behind him. He stopped and spun around; bumping into a large, mutton-chopped man whose round, bald head matched his rather round belly.
"Please, sir, who are you?" Daniel had never met anyone like this strange man.
"Not who, dear boy, but what … I'm a bona-fide, pure-blooded dream."
A dream? Daniel thought he must have misheard. Willing his voice not to falter, Daniel stuttered, "Please, can you tell me where I am? I'm not even sure how I got here."
At this, the large man laughed. "If you don't know where you are, and you don't know where you've been, then the word you are searching for is lost, my fine young friend.
"And since the where that you are is here and the here is the In-Between, then I feel it safe to declare, you are lost in the In-Between—in the In-Between land of nightmares and dreams."
Yes, I'm hooked. I like the progression from his sleep routine, to waking up in a strange place and meeting the strange mane in a strange circumstances. The line about being lost made me laugh. You did a good job leading me into the story instead of shoving my face into abruptly.
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading! :0)
Wow, a very promising start. I liked the immediate lead-in that managed not to seem forced.
ReplyDeleteYes! Although I probably wouldn't read more because I feel this could give me nightmares....:) So definitely a good job here.
ReplyDeleteThis just isn't my usual genre and I'm not feeling hooked. I think it's well written and that the book is probably lovely, but it's not right for me.
ReplyDeleteAfraid this didn't hook me, but it's mostly because of the tone and voice. I didn't care for the omni narrator and while I think the concept is cool (I love how the dream introduces himself!) the style isn't for me, so I'd pass.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
P.S. Is it funny that iTunes just turned on "More Dreams" from the Sleepy Hollow soundtrack just now as I was reading? O:)
I'm not quite hooked yet, but that could be because I got hung up on the POV. In the first half, it was definite author intrusion rather than being immersed in Daniel's POV. That switches in the second half.
ReplyDeleteYou hooked me with the first two paragraphs but kind of lost me after that, with the dream. Also, I'm not entirely sure anyone says "sir" anymore.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteI really like the fairy-tale feel to this. Paves the way for magic and mischief.
Not feeling this one. The dialogue seems stilted and there is a whole lot of telling throughout the first half of the scene. I'd suggest putting it more into Daniel's perspective to help draw the reader into what he's experiencing.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteThe first graf was a hook. The rest of it isn't my type of genre, so it wouldn't be fair of me to critique it. But, wow, that first graf!
MLF
I think the concept seems promising and I particularly love what the Dream Guy says to Daniel. I like the rhythm of it and the confusing way he says it. It reminds me of Dr. Suess or Alice in Wonderland, stories I really loved as a child.
ReplyDeleteI do think you need to look again at your opening paragraph. It wouldn't have been enough to pull me in if I were browsing at the bookstore and the POV wasn't one that drew me in.
Not for me. Opening with sleeping is not the way to my heart.
ReplyDeleteKizmet
Not for me - not keen on the omni narrator. Potentially interesting premise though, so I can see kids might go for it.
ReplyDeleteNot for me. I felt the author was talking down to the reader, and that made me bristle.
ReplyDeleteNo, although it reminds me of Little Nemo in Slumberland, which I love. Maybe it's because the main character isn't developed enough. He takes it too casually, but if it's a dream ...
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. The tone was great and I liked the characters. The first two paragraphs might need a little work though. And I do hear people using 'sir' still, although mostly just in the South, where it's alive and well, especially with kids addressing their elders :-)
ReplyDeleteIt has promise, but it's not quite working right now. I would like to know more about the boy and his situation. Maybe you could start with something that happens before he goes to sleep (a conflict or an event or something) that would give us a clue to his personality. I think of The Phantom Tollbooth and Alice in Wonderland (twp of my all-time-favorite books) which so nicely set the stage for something extraordinary happening. I feel that your story needs some of that to hook the reader on the story and on the mc.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDelete*grins*
There is something about this that I really like. That said, there is a fuzzy quality to the setting. Although the characters hopped off the page, I couldn't see where they were.
Maybe. I'm not big on the waking from sleep opening, but I can see that this is central to the story overall. I loved the land between nightmares and dreams line and I'm wondering if there would be a way to open with that? Also, Daniel Quinn wrote the Ishmael books and I'm wondering if you chose that name in homage.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteThe narrator intro was a bit strange to me. A little too...telly. But I liked the dream-man and his dialogue. I'm intrigued with the idea of being in between dream and nightmare. I'd read on. I'd like to see some imagery on where the kid is. All we know is that he woke up where he wasn't supposed to...give us some details on what he saw...don't over do it but just enough to give us a sense on how strange this new place is.
This is about as far from genres I usually read and critique as one can get, but I like it. I think it could use some polishing. (I like the intent of the first paragraph, but some massaging of phrases like "would be a gross understatement" would help.)
ReplyDeleteI also like the "fuzzy" setting -- leaves plenty of room for all sorts of bizarre things to happen to Daniel. I found the dialogue snappy.
Tighten it up a bit (in POV and mechanics), and good luck with it! :-)
Kill the "Suddenly." It doesn't make the scene more immediate or compelling. Outside of that little bit, I like it.
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, I'd read some more.
No and only because I didn't like the voice of the narrator, seemed too removed from the character. I did, however, like the story idea and thought it could really be creepy and scary and I would have been all over that as a teen.
ReplyDeleteI'm leaning towards no because first you talk about Daniel being used to waking at the same time and sleeping at the same time, and then you drop the whole time thing and go to place. It just made me wonder why you'd even dealt with time--just say he usually wakes up and goes to sleep in his own bed. That would make more sense to me.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe I'm being picky. (grin)
-AMY-
It's a no for me because of the first half. The final two paragraphs really work; the slightly heightened language, when used by the dream man, is effective but I'd avoid it for Daniel and the general narrative, both to make Dream Guy more unique and for general readability. Not all kids' books have to be done in kids' voice (Holes and The Penderwicks are two great examples of clearly not a child narrative) but there does have to be an effortlessness to the prose when you use that more "omniscient storyteller" style. It's a tough thing to pull off.
ReplyDeleteNo, I already told you all in crit, why I think the beginning needs work. Later on there's tons of great stuff in the first chapter, but the beginning doesn't show off it's best qualities.
ReplyDelete