Thursday, July 17, 2008

#109 SECRET AGENT Are You Hooked?

Title: Nobody's Buying

Genre: Short Fiction




I can’t forgive Father for selling me. But wait until I tell you. After he fired the housekeeper, I picked up a fair amount of chores including the cookery. Then for two dollars twenty five cents, Mother rented me, Abigail Glamorous Parker, out to Widow Simmons as housekeeper every Tuesday. I got to keep the two bits; and Mother promised my labors would end when the war was over.

She cried when my father, Gibraltar Parker, told her about the sale. I cried too. I always cried with Mother. I guess eight dollars a month didn’t beat Richard Cain’s offer.

Father met Cain at the mercantile and dragged him home to dinner unplanned. The winter rains set in and Cain wore neither overcoat nor galoshes. Like an untrained pup, he dripped a puddle on the dry entry floor. From that day, it felt like Cain lived at our house. But wait until I tell you. Mother didn’t like him from the beginning. She thought he looked like Hitler. That’s what she called him behind his back. Father made me call the man Uncle Richard.

“He hates Jews and Negroes,” Mother said hissing like a viper. She tilted her head and aimed her nose at the ceiling, poised to strike. I stitched her dinner dress. She continued to vex herself about Cain’s defects except for his gruesome scar, while I brushed her hair. I thought Father and Cain drank brandy in the library. But wait until I tell you.

28 comments:

  1. Ye-maybe.

    I want to read more of the first chapter, but I'm not sure if it's something I normally read.

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  2. I like the voice.

    I was thrown off at first by the "But wait until I tell you," but I eventually got it.

    I loved the "untrained pup" line.

    I'd read more, but why do I keep picturing Richard Chamberlain?

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  3. I liked the first line - but the story is confusing. It needs to be edited so it flows more naturally.

    Throwing out full names seems unreal and contrived.

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  4. The first hooked me, but then the full names got to me.
    It's almost too pretty for a child. Except for the "wait until I tell you." that sounds like a child.
    With a little work I think you'd have a great story.
    Good luck.

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  5. I liked the voice and the opening line. I'm drawn to the character and her plight. I'd read more.

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  6. I like this but I'm a little confused about the time period. You mention Hitler, so that makes me think this is after WWII but selling a daughter doesn't seem like something that would happen today (hopefully!) Also, I'm not sure what a 'bit' is.
    I think this could be really interesting if you just changed the time period, maybe to the Victorian era or something.

    I would read more.

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  7. Hey, I loved this! I'm totally hooked. I like the voice and the unique way you begin.

    I see the argument of the other posters about names, particularly her father's. Also, would a child start calling a grown man by his last name when she had been instructed to call him Uncle Richard? Perhaps the rest of the story fits it though.

    Great job, I love it!

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  8. Loved it! I am in! I want to know what the dad got in return for her sale. Love the "But wait until I tell you "refrain"!

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  9. Yep. I like the repitition of "but wait until I tell you" -- I'm not sure if you intended it that way, but it made it seem a lot less serious. Kind of confused about the 'selling' part -- hopefully there's some sort of explanation later?

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  10. Hmmm...I find it a bit confusing and somewhat ...odd? Sorry.

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  11. Yes.

    I like the voice, and the situation with being sold, and the guy living in the same house. I'm curious to find out more.

    The repetition of "But wait until I tell you" is not effective. I like the conspiracy/confessional nature this provides, but can you find another way to do this, as it jars?

    Good luck.

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  12. I would read more, if "But wait until I tell you" left the scene. I like the idea of a "refrain," but that one just annoyed me for some reason. The opening sentence grabbed me from the get-go: "You can't forgive Father for WHAT?!" :-D Cain just sounds diabolical, and Father doesn't sound all that pleasant, either. I'm on the fence about Mother, but the child's voice is delightful.

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  13. No, this doesn't really work for me. This entire opening is a flashback. Nothing is happening in the present. If the important stuff happened in the past, then start there, not with a MC in the present musing over it.

    The repeition of But wait until I tell you. didn't really add much to the section, IMHO.

    Also, the jumping around of time and events was disconcerting and made it very hard to follow along with the MC's stream of consciousness.

    Sorry, but it's a no.

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  14. Maybe.

    The first sentence really hooked me and compelled me to read on. But I didn't like the second one- too random. Too me it sounds a bit like Narnia where CS Lewis talks to the reader :). Maybe try describing the day that he was sold/told.

    I like how you describe what year it is based in- showing without telling.

    Where have you set this- because I don't think selling children is legal in most countries. :S

    Anyway good story, just change- 'But wait until I tell you.'

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  15. Afraid not. While the writing looks polished, I couldn't get into the plot at all. I feel there is too much telling and not enough showing -- and the daughter is so matter of fact about what happens to her. If you took it slower and showed more of her emotions, I think I'd feel a stronger connection with the piece. You write well, so keep working on it.

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  16. Not hooked.

    Repeating "But wait until I tell you." was strange and irksome. The full names seemed forced, and the plot/setting was vague.

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  17. Sorry, not hooked. I agree with fairchild: "But wait until I tell you" was irksome. You had a good opening line, but then you seem to go to the past--before the sale. I'd jump right in with the father dragging the man home to dinner.

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  18. I'd have to agree with "Beth". The opening line is a great hook and we should go right into that process. Do it through Dialogue. Show us the scene in present tense. There's too much telling here. If you use dialogue, she won't have the awkward duty of telling us her own full name. Please remove the Wait until I tell you and tell us. I was looking forward to that.

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  19. I'm hooked, but there are too many names too soon. I think I, mother, father and Cain would suffice. I don't liked "but wait until I tell you the first time" but not the 2nd or the 3rd. I'm also confused about why a daughter is being sold--post WWII...

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  20. I probably wouldn't read further. I found the narrator's voice a little annoying, particularly the "But wait until I tell you".

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  21. Hooked? Kind of.

    I'm not sure it is something I would stick with. First person for me is hard to read and remain interested. I personally prefer third person.

    The introduction of the family names was a little jarring.

    The phrase "But wait until I tell you" is used three times in this short segment. If MC was telling me the story first hand, I would find that annoying.

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  22. No. I got rather lost in the whole thing, unfortunately (though I could be tired--it's late) and nothing about the character or voice jumped out as appealing to me.

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

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  23. The voice isn't really for me, sorry, and the repetition of 'But wait until I tell you' just got a bit too much. I'm also a little confused about what's happening.

    The untrained pup line is good, though :)

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  24. It's a no for me but I think this one is particularly subjective. I'd lose all the full names but otherwise have relatively few quibbles with this technically--you're a good writer. It's just not quite to my taste, voice-wise.

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  25. I, like many otheres, loved the untrained pup line. I was just slightly put off by the large amount of telling, rather than showing. There wasn't really too much of a hook there.

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  26. I totally loved this. I'd definitely read on. The voice worked for me, personally. ;)

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