Genre: YA
“Gia, why don’t you show Diane to her room.” The woman gave a warm smile. Diane hadn’t caught her name. “Why don’t you get settled, dear?”
The red head girl rolled her eyes and huffed, “fine. Come on.” She took of down the hall. Diane trailed behind.
“Thank you,” Diane managed to say. The girl led her up the flight of stairs and down a hall lined with pictures. The girl stopped in front of the second door on the right.
“Come on, already.” She twisted the knob and opened the door. “That’s your bed.” Gia pointed to a twin bed with bedding folded neatly on top of it. “I figured your hands weren’t broken so you could make you own bed. That’s Hope’s bed.” She pointed to a bed that was tucked in the eve. “And that’s mine.” Her voice laced with threat. “Don’t. Touch. My. Stuff. We are not sisters, we are not friends, and we are not roomies. We just live in the same house. Don’t make me make you regret it. I protect what’s mine.” With that she, pushed pasted Diane, and stomped back down the hallway.
Diane released the breath she didn’t know she was holding. She walked to the bed and sank down on it. She reached for the pillow and clutched it too her chest. “Welcome home.” She curled up on the bed. Tears gathered in her eyes.
I like the snipet, however I was confused by the way the begining of it is laid out.
ReplyDelete“Gia, why don’t you show Diane to her room.” The woman gave a warm smile. Diane hadn’t caught her name. “Why don’t you get settled, dear?”
The red head girl rolled her eyes and huffed, “fine. Come on.” She took of down the hall. Diane trailed behind.
I think the dialouge needs to be on a separate line like..
“Gia, why don’t you show Diane to her room.” The woman gave a warm smile.
Diane hadn’t caught her name. “Why don’t you get settled, dear?”
The way it is now, it reads like Diane is asking about getting settled in. Also you have she took of down the hall it should be off..
I am assuming Gia is the secondary character and I think you did a good job with her..
Another one for me to cheat on cos I've read it before! SEcondary is Gia, who seems like a madam (politest way to phrase it!) Very real for me, and love the story.
ReplyDeleteGia is the SC.
ReplyDeleteNeed a little editing here... this distracted me at first, but yeah - she comes true to life, especially with this:
She pointed to a bed that was tucked in the eve. “And that’s mine.” Her voice laced with threat. “Don’t. Touch. My. Stuff. We are not sisters, we are not friends, and we are not roomies. We just live in the same house. Don’t make me make you regret it. I protect what’s mine.”
Hahha. Love it<:
You did a good job with Gia. She seems really mean. Makes me feel for the MC.
ReplyDeleteThought you portray Gia well. She comes across as a tough girl, don't touch her stuff and don't try to get close to her. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI found it confusing for the reasons Jerezegurl mentioned, but I did get a good sense of Gia. She seems very protective and I liked the lines about the hands not being broken. It also confused me because the woman calls Gia by name, but then it switches back to the girl and then again to Gia - I'd just keep it Gia.
ReplyDeleteI know this story, and the SC Gia is portrayed very well here. A tough girl, protective of herself, passive-aggressive and streetwise. Good one.
ReplyDeleteGia is the SC, right? She comes across as a strong character -- if not somewhat unappealing. From this small scene, she seems rude and callous. I like how she speaks her mind and doesn't seem worried about how mean she sounds.
ReplyDeleteGia's antaogonism comes through loud and clear. She's the kind of character you love to hate, so good job painting her so vividly!
ReplyDeleteP.S.- watch your typos, though. I caught two: "off" and "passed."
Well, that red-headed girl (Gia?) certainly feels threatened, doesn't she? I see damage in her past somewhere. Her attitude came across loud and clear for me.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Gia is the SC.
ReplyDeleteShe comes across as a direct, succinct, no-fluff teen. Definitely some backstory going on here. I catch a bit of a victim attitude (Don’t make me make you regret it.).
I love We are not sisters, we are not friends, and we are not roomies. We just live in the same house.
Great job portraying Gia here, she definitely comes across as a tart little thing! Wonderful snip! :-)
ReplyDeleteThe girl, the girl. refering to her in this fashion felt a bit odd.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I like the tone of the SC and she comes across as a bit nasty and perhaps self-centered.
Oh, I want to strangle Gia! Great character dialogue here. I love the line about the broken hands.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing Gia is the SC. She seems like one of those girls that you don't want to be on the wrong side of but you already are. I thought she was realistically written but there seemed to be quite a lot of typos in the piece.
ReplyDeleteGia's got a good voice, but I don't get much character from her that moves beyond the archetype.
ReplyDeleteBut there's a lot of potential in there.
Kizmet
Until the end I wasn't sure who the SC was, but it became clear in the last paragraph. At that point I felt a strong dislike for Gia -- good job. The typos distracted me a little, but the story is set up well. I'd like to see how Diane deals with Gia.
ReplyDelete