GENRE: Urban thriller
“Don’t try getting up,” Cass yelled. “You’re a piece of s***, Simon and I’ve had it.”
Simon lay injured on the kitchen floor, his blood painting the brilliant white of the kitchen units. He groaned as her foot kicked his hands as they shielded his face.
“I’ve put up with this s*** for too long,” she continued, “Now you’re going to learn what pain is.”
Cass kicked him again, this time aiming for his genitals.
Her heart pounding from the workout, she brushed a strand of sweaty hair from her face and looked down at the man she once love and respected.
“I’ve put up with your abuse for years. No more!” Kicking a can of beans across the floor, she then turned to him again. “All my life I’ve been labelled weak, a target for bullies; terrorized through my schooling and now by you, Never again. Do you hear me Simon?”
Cass kicked him just to get a response. “You’ll never lay a hand on me again. I refuse to be the victim. No one’s gonna hurt me. From now on I’m going to be treated with the respect I deserve. Be fearful, Simon because I’m going to make sure no one stands in my way and God help them if they do.”
Cass turned away and headed for the bathroom; leaving Simon lying in blood.
Allowing the water to run cold before splashing it on her face and neck, she looked up into the mirror and smiled.
A lot of action and conflict, certainly. Dialogue isn't natural though. I don't think she'd declaim quite so at length.
ReplyDeleteYes. I love the action, I'm keen on thrillers. I agree with the comment about the dialogue, but would definitley keep reading.
ReplyDeletecomma after the first Simon
ReplyDeleteloved - not love
She's a very abusive victim.
Sorry, no, the characters aren't likeable and I'm not sure I can picture anyone using DL like that when they aren't on stage.
I can't relate to someone who imagines herself to be a victim and then smiles in the mirror after the attack. Doesn't jive.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteHer dialogue doesn't sound at all natural for her mood and the scene--what is this, a stage melodrama? That's what I imagine--but it doesn't work for me. I don't necessarily mind violence and language (I like a violent opening ;)) but she's not likable and I have trouble picturing her as a real person long enough to try and care.
Good luck,
~Merc
Afraid not. Cass is rather unlikeable, even if she's reasserting her independence. This whole scene seems forced to me and ditto on her dialogue sounding cliche and unrealistic. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteHmm. Without knowing more about Cass and Simon, the scene feels melodramatic. Aren't most abuse victims ashamed and withdrawn? What causes her to explode, rather than fearing Simon? I have no idea where the plot goes from here. Since it looks like nothing more than a victim becoming an abuser, I feel no investment in either of the characters. I'd suggest starting earlier or later in the plot and redoing the dialogue. I can't imagine Cass shouting all of that while she's in the middle of kicking Simon hard enough to paint the kitchen appliances with blood.
ReplyDeleteToo melodramatic for my tastes. Agree that the smiling seems out of character, and the DL isn't realistic. Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteOk, part of the problem is in the back of my head I was wondering if this was an American Idol contestant. :o The name "simon" has been permanently ruined for me.
I think it's somehow a little hurried and I agree that the dialogue just doesn't seem natural. This is possibly one of those few occasions where I would prefer to see more description than speech, simply because we are *told* what their dynamic is rather than *shown*.
ReplyDeleteI think it's an interesting place to start but without knowing enough about how she suffered "for years" it doesn't make as much of an emotional impact as it could.
I would possibly read on for a few pages, but don't feel hooked by the first page.
Sorry, but no.
ReplyDeleteI had two problems here.
First, I initially thought Simon was your MC because of the opening paragraph with him on the floor. (detail: Notice how you repeat 'as' and 'his' in this sentence: "He groaned as her foot kicked his hands as they shielded his face." The repetition feels sloppy rather than intentional)
Second, by the time I realized that Cass is your MC, I already disliked her. I got no sense of emotion beyond rage and vengence. If she's truly a victim, then I'd expect to feel some of that from her even as she beats this guy up. Since there's nothing beyond rage, Cass comes off as unsympathetic and unlikable. For me.
Sorry, not my thing.
ReplyDeleteTwo comments. The second paragraph seemed to indicate the POV as Simon's. It's subtle, but I wonder if you can add some of Cass' emotion to the observation to clarify the POV.
Secondly, i think you develop immediate sympathy for Simon, and then bounce us very quickly in a different direction in para 6.
As a reader, trying to orient themselves in the middle of this bloodbath, I suggest you establish Cass as the sympathetic (if somewhat deranged) character, by including “I’ve put up with your abuse for years. No more!” with the kick in the second paragraph.
JMO.
Good Luck.
Yipes! Gonna have to go with no. Nothing here grabs me enough--but then again I'm not the thriller type, so maybe I should just shut up. (grin)
ReplyDeleteIt has the feeling of a holo-deck experience, though, (sorry to get all Star Trekish)like she's not doing this for real, but practicing, getting out her aggression. It would be an interesting twist if that was where you're going with this.
-AMY-
It's a no for me, but I think it illustrates a really interesting writing challenge. We often tell people "don't start the story before the story starts" or "open with action" but there is a fine balance to strike there. I see this a lot in books that open with the MC finding out someone near to them has died. It's really hard to open with a scene like this, or death, or another intense emotional and physical experience, and have that be the first we see of the person we're supposed to be following through the story. It's almost too much of a demand on the reader, because we don't know anything else about the character, for us to care about this moment. Without context, we can't know what this means to Cass (victory? defeat?), which I think is why you're seeing lots of comments about how people feel distanced or off-put from Cass. I'd take another run at the dialog and see if there's a moment where we can see who Cass was (or will be) to open with instead of this.
ReplyDeleteI couldn't simpathize with either character, which makes it hard for me to care what happens to them... perhaps you could bring out one of them a bit more in personality so we can find something to relate to.
ReplyDeleteMy comments seem to be disappearing.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
There was too much violence coming from the victim for me to sympathize. Her dialogue was somewhat scripted. I don't know what her life was like so I can't empathize with this (triumphant?) moment. Also, I'd think she'd want to get out of there as opposed to go wash up.
No, sorry. We need inside Cass's head more to understand who she is, because the dialogue is not working to that end. It seems that she's telling Simon what he already knows, and she repeats herself a lot. I know you're going for emphasis on the motivation behind her actions, but the way you're doing it doesn't work well on the page.
ReplyDelete