TITLE: DANCE IN THE PANTS
GENRE: Picture Book
“On your bottom, young lady,’’ Dafina’s mother said the third time. Dafina wiggled on her knees, balancing in the booth of the O’Burgers Restaurant. “Do you see anybody else squirming? What’s the matter, got ants in your pants?”
“No, mom,” giggled Dafina, “Not ants, DANCE! I’ve got dance in my pants!”
Which was true. Dafina danced everywhere. She rumbaed in reading class, salsaed in spelling, limboed in the library, mamboed in math, and pirouetted practically all through PE. Dafina even danced in her sleep, legs jitterbugging in her dreams.
“Dafina, I am tired of getting calls from your teacher. She is tired of all the dancing!” grimaced Dafina’s Mom.
“But mom, dancing is what I do. It’s who I am!” Dafina said dramatically as she tangoed toward the table.
“I get it,” Dafina’s mom rolled her eyes. “But could you please pull in your passion a bit?”
“Ok, Mom, I’ll only dance when absolutely necessary.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Dafina’s mother sighed.
She is tired of all the dancing!” grimaced Dafina’s Mom.
ReplyDeleteI see three errors in that sentence. She doesn't need to be in italics, "grimaced" is not a replacement for "said" and "mom" should not be capped.
I'm surprised you missed "legs jitterbuging in her jammies." I don't mind alliteration, but I think you've gone just a bit too far.
With good illustrations, I could see this as a cute book, but the grammar needs work. Once that's fixed, I'd read the rest of the book to a kid.
Kizmet
Yes, I'm hooked. Very cute idea!
ReplyDeletemy only constructive criticism is Defina's voice. Her actions make her sound very young, but the dialogue makes her sound older.
Love the idea!!! :0)
Sorry, I'm not hooked. Picture books should have a rythm (I'm not talking rhyme here). You have some of that language eg. limboed in the library etc. but I think you've used too many words and description. What if you started with your line "Dafina danced everywhere"?
ReplyDeleteI think you have a cute idea here. Both my girls love to dance and would enjoy reading about another dancer before bed. :o)
ReplyDeleteI'd say yes. The MC's voice is strong and age appropriate. Cute concept.
ReplyDeleteThough the cliche "ants in your pants" did bother me a bit. And would readers in this age group know words like "mambaed" and "pirouetted."
I'm with you until her mom tells her the teacher keeps calling. The dialogue after that doesn't seem to fit a young girl. Side note: If Dafina dances all the time, the mom would know why she was squirming. It is a good start. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteIt's cute, and I'd probably read the rest. I could imagine it with some hilarious illustrations.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
I think you've got a fun idea here and it starts well. The language becomes too adult - or it just changes - when they discuss school. Needs work to continue the read.
ReplyDeleteAs a Director of a Pre-K I'm telling you that children who would be reading picture books or having picture books read to them will not be familiar with mambo, salsa, jitterbug.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like it's written for the parent or teacher and not the child.
Sorry.
Cute idea, but like other commenters said, the grammar needs work in places. I also wonder if a child reading this book or hearing it out loud would understand all the difference dance terms. Consider writing with more approachable language. Would I keep reading? No, not unless I knew a little girl who likes to dance.
ReplyDeleteHow old is this girl? She's acting like a small child, and then talking like someone a bit older. Also, I don't like the title or the phrase "Dance in the pants". Makes me think of a potty training book *blush*
ReplyDeleteSorry; not hooked.
Um..no.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say yes, because the premise (and Dafina) is pretty cute. Problem is I think the dialogue is stiff and I kept getting distacted by your dialogue tags. Needs editing.
Yes, cute and funny! It'll read great with a few tweaks.
ReplyDeleteYes. I liked this.
ReplyDeleteThe alliteration was fun and I like the mc's name.
I didn't buy that a little girl would say, "only when absolutely necessary."
This would make a cute picture book.
Mildly Hooked.
ReplyDeleteFor a book about dance the rythym was a little off. It sounds hilarious and I'm sure with pictures it could be good.
Like someone else said, her actions and dialogue don't quite match the same age.
“But mom, dancing is what I do. It’s who I am!”
“Ok, Mom, I’ll only dance when absolutely necessary.”
These lines sound older.
In a picture book, each and every word has to be absolutely essential, and remember that a lot of the blanks get filled in by illustration, so it's vital that what remains be word-perfect in tone and word choice and usage. I don't think this is there yet, but you're ahead of the game by having picked a topic that lends itself to illustration and would intrigue kids.
ReplyDeleteThis is a delightful idea, but I think you need some strong editing for it to be ready. I noticed several "tags" that weren't really dialog tags, like "grimaced" and "sighed". Those are actions, not ways of saying things. There's also some grammar errors. It needs focus and polish.
ReplyDeleteI would read on for the concept, but I think it needs polishing. Ditto Ardyth's comments on tags, and other comments about the discrepancy between her action-age and speaking-age.
ReplyDeleteOk, I will admit I did read the other comments...but I am rule breaker so what can you do. I didn't pay attention to the grammar because try and try my 7 year old won't pay attention either. So, that being said I think the language is completely understandable, I happen to know several girls in the 7-8 age range who will not only talk like this character but are smart enough to ask when they don't know what something is (and ask and ask and ask). What a great way for my daughter who also loves to dance to learn about other styles of dance! What a great way for the two of us to explore them! Here is something else I think is magnificent about this story a chance for a mother and daughter to be individuals she loves to dance I love to read...we drive each other crazy...isn't it GREAT!!
ReplyDeleteMy grammar is terrible, my punctuation worse its not such a terrible thing ;-)