Thursday, July 24, 2008

An Answer For Lucienne Diver

Recently, Lucienne Diver posted the following want ad on her blog.

Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner. Must:
-write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.
-hit deadlines
-communicate with the agent (i.e. let us know if you're going to be late on deadlines or you're thinking of going in a different direction, etc.)
-know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites
-take criticism well
-know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations
-be willing to sell promote
-must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)


Well, okay. I couldn't resist. So here are my responses:

Must write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.

Would I define myself as a "brilliant writer who writes brilliantly?" My favorite nine-year-old Beta reader would say so. But I've been told that the opinions of random manuscript readers outside of the publishing business don't count. So this puts me in a most awkward position. If I call myself "brilliant" and you don't like my writing, I look awfully stupid. If I deny that I am brilliant in the first place, that isn't good marketing.

I can do the "guessing" part, though. As in, can you guess how many more drafts it will take before someone falls head-over-Crocs in love with my current novel? Can you guess how many agents have requested the full manuscript, only to (oh-so-regretfully, or perhaps not so) pass in the end? Can you guess how many rejection letters are stuffed into my top desk drawer?

(Yes, I save them. Why? Um...)

Must hit deadlines.

Pet peeve alert! Don't tell me you haven't done something that you were supposed to have finished by now. Don't even breathe where I can hear you. Oh, wait. You want to know if I hit deadlines?

Must communicate with the agent.

I can speak Pig Latin and Ubby-Dubby.

Actually, I once had an agent -- way, way back in the Early Days of my writer's life, before I had turned the definitive corner from nonfiction to fiction. Before I knew what it meant to have a good agent. This person was of the decidedly noncommunicative type. Emphasis on the NON. As in, emails ignored. Voicemails ignored. Phone conferences blown off. It wasn't fun.

And so. I would absolutely love to sit and chatter away with an agent who was on fire about my manuscript. For that matter, I would be thrilled with a six-word email response if it came my way in less than twenty-four hours.

It is completely outside of who I am to neglect communication with an agent. Husbands, of course, are a different story entirely.

Must know when not to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites.

Even if I'm anonymous?

No, seriously. That's not only tacky, it's taboo. Here's my take on Blogging As A Writer (even an anonymous one): No politics. No dirty laundry. No day-by-day rundown of one's entire submission and rejection history. No sour grapes. And no animated quill pen GIFS that write out your nom de plume in an illegible Script font across the bottom of the page. Ugh.

Must take criticism well.

Are you saying something is wrong with me????

But I'm wondering, can any author actually make it if he can't take criticism? In my experience, it's those of us who cling to their babies as though the earth will swallow them if we let go are the ones who don't move forward at all -- not in our writing, and certainly not in our agent searches.

So this one's a given. Just don't criticize me before I've had my coffee.

Must know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations.

Oh, certainly. Why, I could be the keynote speaker at the next Clueless Writers conference in Monkey's Eyebrow, Arizona.

Do you know, my husband wants me to write a book about it? (Isn't that just like a non-writing man, though? Throw his wife out there and expect her not only to learn it all, but to write about it and sells thousands of books so that he can retire early.)

As for "reasonable expectations": I think that's the hardest one of all for many writers. We start up high, toes curled round the edge of the cliff, ready to hang glide into the blue yonder. Six figure advances! World wide book tours! Libraries and elementary schools named after us! A castle in Scotland!

Then we lose altitude. A modest five figure advance? Paid in thirds? No book tour? Do my own promotion? Haven't earned my advance yet? No second printing? Huh?

Sometimes we don't even get that far. And then we crash. 32 editors and not a single one wanted to buy my book? The imprint has shut down? My agent doesn't love me anymore?

"Reasonable" is relative. But it's also where we need to be from the beginning. Without, of course, losing our passion and optimism.

Must be willing to sell, promote.

It still floors me when new authors are surprised by this. Marketing has become as important as writing the story in the first place. Or perhaps it has always been so.

By the way, I'm having a sale on Authoress Rocks tee-shirts right now. Buy one, get one free. Sale ends at midnight. The first 50 customers will receive a free copy of my new book, Everything You Need To Know About The Publishing Industry So Your Spouse Can Retire. Signed, of course.

Must love dogs.


Well, here's the deal-killer. I hate dogs. I made full disclosure on my History page, so this should come as no shock. I am an avowed Cat Person, and shall remain so, even when faced with rejection from an agent on account of it.

Ur, I think.

Actually, I think I'd better remain neutral. Or at least adopt an I'll-be-nice-to-dogs-if-you'll-be-nice-to-cats policy. Do you think there might be room in the contract for that?

And there you have it.

Anyone else want to play? Copy-and-paste away! Fill my comments box and make me smile. (As you often do.)

9 comments:

  1. Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner. Must:
    -write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.

    Of course I write brilliantly! Even my NaNo novel was fabulous! All my sugar-crazed beta-readers thought so!

    -hit deadlines
    I was an editor for a college newspaper. I love deadlines with an unhealthy obsession. I've been on the editing side of the fence, I've dealt with writers who don't own calendars. I will not be that guy!

    -communicate with the agent
    I'm fluent in English and bad English. I'm passable in Latin, French, Spanish, and Russian (as long as I only have to read something and not actually pronounce any words). I can muddle my way through txt-spk and pig latin. I e-mail, voice mail, and juggle calls like a pro. Let's talk.

    -know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites
    I can do that. No problems.

    -take criticism well
    Please... nothing an agent can say could possibly be worse than being an awkward teenager who liked to read at a big school with a wonderful football team. All I needed was my own theme song and I'd be another tween drama queen.

    -know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations
    I write, edit, rewrite, revise, beg, plead, market, and smile while you (the agent) handle the legal end and see that any money I'm due winds up here at my bank account.

    -be willing to sell promote
    No problem. Have laptop, will travel. (I might bring kids but we'll all survive that too)

    -must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)
    I can fake it. I'll even study dog breeds before I meet the editor who can't get enough of her snickerdoodle/poodle half-breed mutant. I'll google and be a pro in 20 minutes flat. No problems!

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  2. snickerdoodle/poodle half-breed mutant

    LOLOL

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  3. -Brilliant? Haven't you READ my latest epic tome? I don't do anything BUT brilliant.

    - I hit deadlines all the time. I own a specific deadline-hitting hammer and maul.

    - Communication? Darling, if you can't understand me it's certainly not MY fault, now is it?

    - I don't sign non-disclosure forms for a reason. Come on, you're a big agent, you can deal with it. (And did you HEAR about this editor...?)

    - Critisim? You mean you HATE ME?! *sobs* You witless imbecile! Why can't you understand my genius?! Are you blind?

    - My expectations are more than reasonable. Ten million up front, a mansion on the sea (and a chateau in Paris), world tour, and of course if it doesn't hit #1 on every best seller list on the release day, I'm suing the publisher.

    - Sell what? Promotion? I can pose for cameras and the press, naturally. Why are you looking at me like that? Is it my hair?

    - Dogs? Awww, Mr. Puff the Pomeranian is proof of that. Aren't you, you cutesy widdle boy? Who's mommy's widdle sweetiepie? Awww!

    So. Where do I sign?


    ~Merc (tongue firmly in cheek ;))

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  4. I like dogs, but I don't love them. Now cats, on the other hand, totally rule. 8^)

    There are limitations to self-promotion, IMO, based on cost and time. Should I write a book or mail out post cards to friends and family? Hmmm... tough choice. Oh, I know! I'll annoy people I don't know by sending them my totally useless newsletter that's all about ME! 8^) My blood boils every time I get one of those and I keep a list of these authors from whom I'll NEVER buy a book just for annoying the hell out of me. Booksignings are pretty much a waste of time from my experience, unless you're doing a tour (that you fund yourself, of course). Giving away promo crap is just dumb. No one is going to buy your book because you gave them a pen with the name of your book on it. Buzz marketing is the only marketing that actually works (reviews, interviews, viral marketing through the internet, websites, blogs, etc.). Can you tell self-promo is a hot button for me? 8^)

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  5. Keep a blog, have a cheesy shirt to buy from cafepress.com. Trademark some line from the novel: "The forces by with you!"(TM). And hire the kid down the street to be your web guru and mow your lawn.....Maybe tour the local bookstores?

    Or, my fav appraoch, gene-splice your novel with a vampire so that the published piece actually jumps off the shelves and attacks innocent passer-bys forcing them to buy multiple copies of the book. So much easier than marketing. And it helps with world domination plans too! :o)

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  6. Um have a blog, but the name wouldn't fit on a tee-shirt unless you shortened it. Not a good title to shorten to an acronym.
    Take it to the Stars. Nough said.
    Must love dogs? I do love dogs I love seeing the south side of a north bound one. Sorry, too many raided my pic-a-nic basket once upon a time ago. Cats are fickle creatures and suit me just fine. Besides you don't own a cat, they own you.
    Easy to work with. Just leave me alone and let me do it my way and I'll leave you alone and let you do your stuff your way. See, easy enough to get along with.
    Money? You mean writers actually make the green stuff. Get out! I thought that was urban legend.

    Brilliant. Like the sun. Wanna see some?????

    Do I talk? Gossip? Only around the water-cooler at work where they don't know who you are anyway.

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  7. Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner.

    I write, therefore I am brilliant. Define "professional"...

    Must:
    -write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.

    I always keep the pages turning, silly; how else am I gonna finish da book? And I'm ALWAYS guessing what's going to happen next... I never have a CLUE. (Was that original enough for you?)

    -hit deadlines

    Oh, I back right into them all the time. If that doesn't work, I pull out my trusty sledge hammer %-)

    -communicate with the agent

    I am fluent in Bethese and finger-spelling. Biddy-bobidy-BOO! Oh, and I also speak American, English, Cockney, Irish and French. Bon juror, mon sewer 0:)

    -know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites

    Don't worry. I won't complain about the time that... Oh. Never mind.

    -take criticism well

    What are you saying? Are you saying I can't take criticism well? That's just your own opinion. My mom thinks I take it just fine, thank you very much.

    -know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations

    Of course. And lemme tell you, Lenny ain't pullin' his weight. I say we take him down to the pier and... Oh, you mean PUBLISHING business. Right, right, right; yeah, that's what I meant, too...

    -be willing to sell promote

    I'll do it right now: I AM WONDERFUL! BUY MY BOOK! NOW!!!

    -must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)

    Cartoon, plush or just on TV?

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  8. Wanted: brilliant writer who behaves in a professional manner. Must:

    -write brilliantly, keep the pages turning and keep the reader guessing; originality a plus.

    That's me! My friends all tell me they can't turn the pages fast enough. And original? There only one me. Yeah!

    -hit deadlines

    I always hit things I don't like.

    -communicate with the agent (i.e. let us know if you're going to be late on deadlines or you're thinking of going in a different direction, etc.)

    Does this mean said agent will give me his/her personal email address, cell phone number, home address, and license plate number? Well then, I promise never to leave said agent alone for a minute. We can communicate all the time.

    -know when =not= to communicate, such as airing grievances with the publisher on blogs or websites

    Ah - but grievances doesn't mean the same thing as gossippy complaints. That's totally different.

    -take criticism well

    Well, I won't go bashing a critic's car with a baseball bat. That would be taking criticism badly. I'll take any criticism rather well - no bashing. I'll just pour ten containers of honey into mentioned car's gas tank.

    -know enough about the business to make informed decisions and develop reasonable expectations

    Of course! I know I'm going to be the next JK Rowling. I won't need to write another book, because the first one will sell so smackingly well.

    -be willing to sell promote

    Pfft. What does this agent think I'm doing? If I didn't want her/him to buy my book, I'd keep it at home and read it to gradma.

    -must love dogs (okay, just threw this in to see if you were paying attention)

    Did I mention the book is about a little puppy dog who is enlisted by powerful kitty cats to put on an evil brainwashing collar and go on a long detailed journey with his puppy friends to the other side of the city, fight off derranged wild dogs and wolves who want the collar of power so they can take over the world, and fight off the evil urges that the collar is implanting in his mind, and get over to the skyscraper, go upstairs to the top floor, and flush collar down a toilet in the women's room without anybody noticing him and sending him to a pound?

    HAH. You were searching for ME, and only me, weren't you. Buy my book. Now.

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  9. Hysterical read! Thanks everyone!

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