GENRE: Dramatic Thriller
Mr. Forsythe’s eyes trained in on Rick’s face, “The hell’s the matter with you and what the hell do you want?”
“Just open up Mr. Forsythe, I forgot something,” Rick baited the hook and cast the line.
“How many times have I told you people? Don’t run in and out of here bringing items you should have logged the first time – all the items at one time!” Forsythe berated Rick.
As he watched Forsythe pack his duffel bag, Rick threw out an excuse for his absentmindedness, “Look, Mr. Forsythe, I have a lot on my mind thes-“
“Well, come on, come on,” Forsythe impatiently cut a Rick off and motioned for him to produce the item he wanted to log.
The fish had taken the bait, “Have you seen the logbook yet?” Rick slowly reeled the line in and hoped he hadn’t examined it yet.
Mr. Forsythe stopped. His keycard in his hand, just inches away from the scanner, he looked at Rick, “You’re gonna supervise academy freshmen they send over, every Saturday, for the next five months. Just. For. That.”
The keycard sliced through the scanner, and the keypad tones played like music to Rick’s ears, “I was planning a vacation,” Rick feigned reluctance to take his punishment as the door opened.
“Vacation,” Forsythe scoffed, “next time, fill out my logbook like I ask. Acting like a rookie fresh out of the academy…” Forsythe murmured inaudibly as he emptied the thermos into his mug and downed the potent brew.
It has to be Mr Forsythe, who doesn't sound as if he'll cut any slack, even if the excuse is genuine! Real for me :)
ReplyDeleteForsythe is your SC.
ReplyDeleteYou do need a little sorting out here - like the first paragraph seems like Forsythe and Rick are talking over each other. And the fishing thing was a distraction. I could have seen Forsythe a little better if you described where he was sitting/standing, his body language, etc.
I have a sense of Mr. Forsythe as a difficult and angry boss, who Rick is setting up for something. It was a little difficult to grasp what was happening - the fish lines are ok, but some could be a little shorter IMO.
ReplyDeleteThis was a bit confusing, but Forsythe is the SC, who likes things to go his way. A bit of an old, grumpy pain in the neck, I think.
ReplyDeleteForsythe is the SC here, correct? He comes across as impatient and strict. The scene focuses more on Rick's plan, so I'm having trouble getting a stronger feel of Forsythe.
ReplyDeleteDitto with what Sponge said. I had to spend so much time figuring out what was going on and what actions were happening and which were just metaphors, that I couldn't focus on the characters at all. Neither came across as very likeable to me, and not in a good way, IMHO. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteForsythe comes across as a kind of a jerk. I wouldn't want him for a boss! Something is up with the log book, and I would want to read on to see what it is.
ReplyDeleteDespite having not the vaguest clue what's going on here, I think this works but could use some additional effort. Forsythe tends toward the one-dimensional in this brief snippet IMHO, although that dimension is well-rendered as an unpleasant, impatient one.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking Forsythe is the SC.
ReplyDeleteThis scene is a bit confusing to me. I'm having trouble following the action...it seems disjointed.
Nevertheless, Forsythe comes across as a kind of by-the-book person who desires efficiency (Don’t run in and out of here bringing items you should have logged the first time – all the items at one time!). Also a task-master (You’re gonna supervise academy freshmen they send over, every Saturday, for the next five months. Just. For. That.).
Why does Rick feign reluctance to take his punishment? Hmmm. I would read more to find out.
I had a hard time figuring out what was going on here and the fishing lines were further distracting me from the actual dialogue. Forsythe seems like an irritable fellow, but I didn't get much more of a feel for him than that.
ReplyDeleteMr Forsythe has to be the SC. I like the way you portray him as one of those by-the-book guys. It was hard to get my bearings, but that was more to do with the "Drop the Needle" than your writing.
ReplyDeleteNice show.
I'm guessing Mr Forsythe is the SC. He seems very grumpy. I thought he was a clear character though I did quite confused about the setting of the piece.
ReplyDeleteRick is mc, Forsythe is sc, and Rick is hoodwinking Forsythe into giving him something he wants.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure Forsythe is too smart.
Other than that, the fishing allegories are confusing. You might want to work on them.
Kizmet
I liked the passage. The bit about baiting and casting the line through me for a bit, but I then realized Rick was up to something. Mr. Forsythe seems like a real stick-in-the-mud. I think the character development is there, but the scene seemed to me to focus more on Rick's plan (which I really want to know about) than Mr. F's character.
ReplyDelete