TITLE: CASSANDRA'S SECRETS
GENRE: YA paranormal
What it would be like to be normal? I looked at the day planner lying open on the hotel desk. Every page was filled for the entire year.
GENRE: YA paranormal
What it would be like to be normal? I looked at the day planner lying open on the hotel desk. Every page was filled for the entire year.
Normal was never a word that would describe me, Cassandra Sylvia Bridgewater. Even my name wasn't normal. My mother named me after two famous prophetesses in history. Why she chose those names, I don't know. They proved to be very appropriate though because I saw the future every day.
I paced around the small hotel room. If I never saw another hotel room in my life, I would have been very happy. But they were a necessity in my line of work. At thirteen when most girls go to school and worry about make up and boys, I had work. I lay back on the bed with the ugly green and mauve flowered bedspread and thought about the events that led me here.
On my third birthday, I gave my first verbal premonition. I sat at the dinner table eating birthday cake, covered in pink frosting and told my mom she was going to die.
My parents freaked out. Dishes broke as they hit the table and floor. My dad spewed soda all over our faces. Mom paled and fell to the ground on top of the broken dishes and Grandma started crying.
Grandpa reached over and slapped me. "Don't you ever let me hear you talk like that again, young lady," he screamed at me.
"What would it be like to be normal?" hooked me. Then the revelation that Cassandra can see the future... I'm definitely interested to read more.
ReplyDeleteI don't like that it goes immediately into a memory of her first vision, but I'd read on since the first two paragraphs were good.
Cassandra Sylvia is a pretty normal name, if she was called Sandpaper Marmala then I'd think she wasn't normal.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that part about a three year old forecasting her mother's death is a super-great hook. I'd skip the "I'm not normal" part and go straight for that scene at the birthday.
Yes, you hooked me with the first two and a half grafs. I also didn't like the immediate flashback to the premonition of her mother's death. I think this premonition girl should be put into a scene so I can get to know her more. Her first premonition can come at any time, I think, and I would've liked to see her doing more than flopping on a hotel bed.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd read more to find out what's coming next.
I like it, but I would start it with her first premonition: On my third birthday... It's a better hook.
ReplyDeleteYes<:
ReplyDeleteThis sold me, btw:
On my third birthday, I gave my first verbal premonition. I sat at the dinner table eating birthday cake, covered in pink frosting and told my mom she was going to die.
Nice job<:
Yes, I really liked it and I would keep the first premonition in the beginning, since it was one of the things that hooked me. I really want to know how she ended up in a hotel room at such a young age.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing. I'd definitely read further! Only, Mom just fainted, right? She didn't keel over and die right then, amongst the broken dishes, did she? Maybe clarify this a bit...
ReplyDeleteOriginally, I would have said tentatively, but then revised my opinion to a no. Here's why:
ReplyDeleteIt's an interesting premise, but the flashback, not even 100 words into your story, doesn't work for me. If you need to flash back to the action, then start the novel there instead.
Plus, it's also a turn off that the chapter starts with a character doing nothing but musing about the past, and doing nothing in the present. There's no action and no conflict in the MC's present, only in the past.
So while I think this has a lot of potential, I also think this opening sequence needs a major overhaul. Sorry.
The writing is fine, but to lure us in, I'd consider moving the first two paragraphs deeper into the chapter. Otherwise, you risk losing old impatient guys like me who aren't interested in listening to a young woman whine about being too busy and having an unusual name while pacing a hotel room. Sorry, having a neat name and a busy calendar does not make me feel anything. If I were in a hurry, with many manuscripts to cull, I might toss this into the "sorry" pile before I got to the cool, juicy stuff in paragraph three.
ReplyDeleteBut once I got there, if I got there, I'd keep reading.
Yes! But then I've seen this before and loved it then.
ReplyDeleteYes. While I'm not a huge fan of prophets, I like the voice and think it's interesting to see a teenager living in hotels and working. I'm not too keen on the flashback, but I'd keep reading further to see how the plot develops.
ReplyDeleteYes. The line about the name not being normal didn't make sense to me. Seems like a normal name. I agree that starting with the third birthday would be a great start. Either way, I would read more.
ReplyDeleteI've seen this before! I think you could have a little more active an opening, the character breaking the fourth wall to introduce herself is a little odd unless the entire book is written as a memoir.
ReplyDeleteNOt hooked.
ReplyDeleteNot my genre, but I'd start with the birthday then move to the hotel scene. The birthday scene had a little more crackle than anything else.
Overall, the premise isn't very intriguing unless I know what her work is.
I think your opening line will be sufficient to hook any teen in Christendom - and outside of it. I don't know that I'd call her name unusual, but I love that she was named after prophetesses and that the name itself is prophetic. I think that instead of showing us the scene you did, you might show us a current danger situation so we know something of her future and can be concerned. Right now, there's sympathy, but no forward motion. I'd definitely have read this as a teen, by the way. Probably multiple times!
ReplyDeleteIt's the author here.
ReplyDeleteEveryone has made really good points. I know that not much action takes place on this first page, and that's why I debated whether to put it up. The problem was that when I started with the action scene that takes place in the next page (abusive father and blackmail), it really didn't work.
I'd seriously consider using the premonition of the mother's death as the lead graf. That's your real hook, IMO. Also, there are some minor technical glitches here that got to me (but I've been called a grammar Nazi, so take that criticism FWIW). For example, take a close look at your very first sentence. See the flip-flopped "it would"?
ReplyDeleteNo, but fortunately it's easily fixable.
ReplyDeleteThe first three paragraphs are all heavy handed exposition and/or navel-gazing. Get rid of them and start with the third, that should get things moving with a bang.
If this started at the third birthday, I'd say yes. As it is, the first paragraphs didn't grab me for the same reasons others here have cited.
ReplyDeleteI was all set to say No and then you totally turned it around in the third para there. The first three just did not ring true--but boy the next three work. On a market note, I'd encourage you to think about the age of your MC--13's a little young for YA (more tween--the idea that kids "read up" and all) which isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something to be aware of.
ReplyDeleteSorry, pass. With some reworking, though, I think it could work. No suggestions at the moment.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes,
Beth
No.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening line, but I do not like that we are immediately thrown into a back flash--not that I don't like back flashes, either, but I tend not to like the lead-in lines (where she lies down and decides to muse on her life up to this point :S)
I'd start with the party.
Good luck,
~Merc
You hooked me, I would read on. The birthday scene was great. Loved it!
ReplyDeleteHooked? Yes.
ReplyDeleteI would drop the "he screamed at me." at the very end. You started with a beat (grandpa smacking her), so the dialogue stands perfectly well on its own.
I liked the birthday as well, but I would have liked to have seen it in scene form.
Here's my quick take on it.
I'm not sure where the thought came from, it just-did. "Mama, you're gonna die."
Papa choked on his soda, and spat it all over everyone. Grandpa's face turned red as he stood, leaned over the table, and swatted me across the face. "Don't you ever say anything like that again."
I like it.
Start with para three and it's a big yes.
ReplyDeleteIf I had a dollar for every time I've read about a girl who's able to see the future called Cassandra after the famous prophetess..... Not so much of a prob if you don't have it right up front, though :)
Yes.
ReplyDeleteBut only if you delete the first three paragraphs and start with the prediction of her mother's death when she was three.
Then when you revert back to real time, age 13, go with action.
Not really, but the last three paragraphs are great. The lead-up is not very interesting, or unusual IMO.
ReplyDeleteI think the birthday scene is a good intro, even if it has nothing to do with the rest of the book because it sets out the conditions for the way she sees herself and her talent. It introduces a kind of shame and embarrassment that potentially underlies her teenage personality.
JMO.
Good luck with this.
Yes, I'm hooked. Despite some of the criticsms above that I do agree with, the foretelling of her mother's death at the age of 3 is interesting enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDelete