GENRE: SF short
Crash, berserk, heavy red, full twitch; Moody G didn't care what they called it. He just wanted his fix. It didn't help that the Sprawl Kings were pushing hard and the Slamboys needed an edge.
Money wasn't the issue. UMC had settled for a cool ten million, and he'd made a killing on fees alone. No, the real problem lay elsewhere:
Moody G-a two meter tall hulk of vat muscle and raw aggression-was afraid of needles.
The last couple of times he'd tranqed himself while Vanessa tapped a vein. But Vanessa wasn't there now, and it was embarrassing anyway. The other Slamboys would never let him live it down if they found out.
But he'd heard the rumors. A guy in Oldtown--Doc Savage--had gotten hold of hot genetech. Word was he could splice you a new organ. No needles, you'd gland the stuff direct; 100% Orbital grade 'red pumping through your system on command.
Moody G imagined the carnage he'd wreak amongst the 'Kings . His tattooed face shifted into something resembling a smile.
Yeah. Yeah, that'll be good
He rolled his shoulders. Slab-sided deltoids shifted under his skin like tectonic plates.
I'm hooked. This has a lot of energy. Although a lot of futuristic language is used, it flows well and the meaning's clear. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like it too. Great job establishing voice and culture.
ReplyDeleteLOVE!!!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm terribly biased because I've seen snippets of the rest of this and want to see the full.
(hint hint)
And now back to the real comments...
Not my style, but compelling.
ReplyDeleteKizmet
Interesting, and drew me in, however some of the slag gave me pause before I realized what was being said.
ReplyDeleteI love the futuristic/SF language. Great voice, I'd definitely read more! :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I like it, and despite my confusion in places and all the terms and ideas thrown in, I would read on. ;) But I already told you that. :P
ReplyDeleteNice job. Good luck!
~Merc
Afraid not. The influx of characters (four introduced by name and two gangs inferred) and confusing, unclear world building really didn't hook me. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteA no for me, though I do appreciate the interesting voice. Each time I read the beginning, I picture sound effect bubbles in a comic book. Crash! Boom! Pow! That kind of thing. It took me half of the opening before I figured out the words referred to drugs.
ReplyDeleteAll said and done, not enough here to hook me. I need to know a little more about the protagonist or the plot, because if the entire beginning of the book revolves around his next hit, I wouldn't be interested in reading more.
No
ReplyDeleteWords are confusing, and subject matter completely turns me off.
jerzegurl
Yes from me, though I'd ditch the third sentence. The way you intro the gangs in the following sentences is much clearer and doesn't detract so much/create so much confusion/feels more natural.
ReplyDeleteNice work.
No, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteThis seems to be in code... B[
A no from me, but its really not my cup of tea.
ReplyDeleteGreat energy and intensity. It might wear me out after a few pages, but I'd have no choice but to read a bit more. I especially liked the consistency of the voice.
ReplyDeleteYes.
ReplyDeleteAt first all the different names were a little cryptic and distracting (although I like 'Moody G').
It was difficult to get a visual, but I started grasping the feel for it by the end. I loved the deltoid/tectonic plates.
It's engaging even though the drug references are not my thing.
Not my thing.
ReplyDeleteBut you have a strong voice here, good visuals, and it's very stylistic. So, it's got potential.
No.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of those people whose brain spins at a hundred mph and focus is a big concern. I got lost in the futuristic lingo. Though I love a futuristic voice in sci fi, I think a little bit of that will do you. A whole story written like this, would trash my mind trying to decipher. The language felt like you tried to hard to me, when if it had been a bit simplier I could focus on some of the sweet details I missed. Too much odd language and I have to go back and read, which is something I don't do. Ever.
Chances are it's me. You seemed to have snagged most.
Sorry no.
ReplyDeleteI'm a fan of Gibson's, and whilst you've nailed the voice, I think you have too much flashy imagery and lingo, and not enough substance. Nor is it fresh IMO. What's your new take on the cyber-punk genre?
A walking brick-s**t house of vat-muscle is afraid of needles so will get a drug secreting gland.
And? In what way will this impact the Kings? Will it cut into their drug profits? Will Moody-G become a target? What's the conflict? Where's the action?
Aside from the fancy writing, I see this as very lively, well written back-story exposition. The action? He makes a decision. Hmmm....
In a novel I'd be more forgiving, but this is a short story.
You've obviously got a lot of talent, but don't rely soley on your voice. You have to be able to tell a good story, and I'm not yet convinced.
JMO.
Good luck.
I would read on. He sounds like a badass with a fear of needles. I would be interested in reading a short about that.
ReplyDeleteYes. I'd take another run at the second paragraph (it's the one point that had me going "huh") but I love that you've already established a quirk for your mc right off and introduced the world very subtly, with nice detail and very little telling. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDeleteThe characterization was too incongruous for me. The writing was tight and interesting. It was subject matter that did me in. I can see junkies in the future, but not muscled ones afraid of needles.
Hooked? I'll have to say no on this one.
ReplyDeleteNot something I would read.
I think the character seems interesting but all the science fiction terms are a bit fast and thick for me, and so I'd probably decide it's not so much my thing.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening line - very much grabbed me. I think it's a hook overall, though I personally would probably not continue reading due to having to do too much deciphering. But I think that there's a solid audience for this who would not mind that.
ReplyDelete