Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 14

Title: Trust
Genre: Sci-fi

Jakar pressed the gun barrel deeper. “She told me I could kill you if you ever made a move on her. This looks like one hell of a move to me.” His arm tensed. “And if I’m mistaken… oh well.”

I gritted my teeth and clenched the wadded envelope in my fist. “She says you’re supposed to support me.”

Jakar laughed.

“She left this for you.” I opened my fist.

Jakar took the envelope with his free hand, and using his teeth, pulled free the note inside. Seconds later, he put the gun away and chuckled his way back to his seat.

“You read this thinking it was for you, didn’t you?” His eyes twinkled and his lips drew up into a massive grin. He held up the half page note, forcing me to see her crushing words yet again. “You must be telling the truth. It would have killed you to make this up.”

I looked away. I couldn’t help it.

“She doesn’t care about you. I would have thought that was obvious by now. All she wants is someone to watch her back, and at the moment, that happens to be you. You’ll never get anything more from her. She’s too busy warming my bed to think about your paltry mind games.”

His words ate away at me like acid. “She said…”

“I know what she said. It's right here in my hand." He shrugged. "I’ll let you bumble about your way until someone else kills you."


  1. I think the secondary character is Jakar, and he sounds like a pirate to me! Quite rough around the edges (personality - he uses his teeth!) Real for me.

  2. Jakar worked for me. But the real compelling character in all of this is the unnamed "she" - sounds fascinating.

  3. Jakar worked for me too. He seemed rugged and hardened. The plot seems interesting as well.

  4. Jakar looks like an interesting character. He's a bit rough, but also a bit manipulative. Likes to be in charge. Very well done.

  5. Hey -- I recognize these characters! It's nice to see Jakar being so thoroughly evil. He's very engaging here, what with the chuckling and the menacing and the teeth-grabbing and the gun-wielding and all. :-)

  6. Good job. I see Jakar as a tough guy (wanna be, anyway): ready to use the gun, pulls the paper out wiht his teeth. I might be wrong, but i'm also sensing some jealousy in relation to your MC. Not sure if MC is man or woman, tho.

  7. Jakar certainly sounds like a jolly gun-toting thing doesn't he...

    *squints at him laughing, twinkling, and grinning* It conflicts a little bit with his tensing arm and words in spots...

  8. This was AWESOME! Great tension, a painful irony, and both characters were depicted amazingly vividly. I would definitely want to read more about both characters!

  9. Jakar seems like the SC here. Without knowing more about the situation, I'm a little unsure about the back and forth of who the unnamed woman likes. Within the scene, Jakar comes across as tough and insidious.

  10. Ah! I recognise this story but I haven't got this far. Rats! Plot point spoiled.

    But on the subject, I've always disliked Jakar and this just makes me hate him more. He's just so superior!

  11. Yup. Jakar is working well here. Good job!

  12. Jakar is really rough around the edges. Kind of manipulative. I like it!

  13. Jakar is the SC here, but I want to know more about who "she" is. I also thought your MC was a girl for a few minutes, I don't know why...

    Jakar seemed to be in a love triangle with the mysterious "she" and his actions and dialog toward the MC was perfectly fitting for two men fighting for the attentions of "her."

    Good job!

  14. Jakar is not someone I'd care to mess with. Nice job with him.