Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 9

As soon as they hit the outer doors, Darius had some snarling of his own to do. "What do you think you were doing?"

"What you asked me to do." Nero grinned. "With a few extras."

"And those would be?"

"I upgraded their antiquated system with a few downloads from the ship."

Darius stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. "Nero."

"Relax. It was a simple three-dimensional, diagnostics program on human anatomy. I even included a dictionary of homo sapien conditions, diseases and their cures. Cross indexed of course."

"You know we are not supposed to shovel out knowledge or technology to anyone who hasn't advanced to the point they should have it. This world hasn't been reintroduced."

"They're advanced enough."

"You didn't give them any cures that they don't know about?" Darius grabbed Nero's arm. Nero sometimes jumped into things without checking to see if it was a good idea.

Nero's smile faltered.

Darius groaned. Nero jumped. "Tell me you didn't give them any cures."

"Okay maybe a couple, but they'll never look. I stuck them in natural remedies."

"What does any of that have to do with getting the IDs I asked for? If the Council finds out about our interference in this planet's natural evolvement, both our butts will be locked away for a long time."

Nero grinned. "I uploaded a link and hijacked the connection from their computer. I'll have the IDs by nightfall."

"After you get the IDs, I want that program to crash. Permanently."


  1. I think the secondary might be Nero? Part of me feels he's really irresponsible for downloading the cures - the not so good side of me is laughing and cheering him on! I liked him.

  2. I'm not sure who's who, but the scene was great.

  3. This is funny, and Nero, as the secondary character, seems like a prankster. That is well done. Take care with the infodumps. If you start with "you know we're not supposed to ..." you're signaling the infodump.

  4. I liked it - Nero seems like an interesting character who will make the plot twisty. Also, he's a blend of likeable and infuriating, which is something I'm drawn to.

  5. I liked this scene. Very intersting stuff going on. Nero came off as a likeable rulebreaker. I think you did a good job with him here.

  6. I'm seeing Nero as impulsive, maybe a prankster. He's probably skilled in whatever technology is involved. He might be a character that's been done before (but haven't they all been to a certain extent). I like him. Good job.

  7. The characters definitely have their own voices, and Nero is charming (in his own way). I do think the scene would be stronger, however, with occasional gestures or insights on Darius' side to break up the long chains of back-and-forth dialogue.

  8. I'm pinpointing Nero as the SC. I like him a lot. Even though he made a mess, I love his attitude about the whole situation. He seems like a fun character.

  9. Ummm... hmmm...

    I like the scene and I like the dialogue. And I assume Darius is the MC since we focus most on him. Means Nero is the SC.

    I want to say this works, except I really got distracted by the short "character action" things.

    Nero grinned.
    Darius groaned.
    Nero jumped.
    Nero grinned.

    They don't give us much of an idea of what the character's really look out.

  10. They don't give us much of an idea of what the character's really look out.

    This means I should stop while I'm ahead and go grab supper. :[

    I meant to say they don't give us much of an idea of what the characters are really doing in this scene. There is a lot more body language to describe besides the up and down action of a mouth. If Nero's back was turned to Darius, there should have been something noticeable about his mood and how he was taking Darius' words.

    But otherwise the excerpt was fun to read.

  11. Nero seems like a fun loving, troublemaker. I'm guessing he's one of those friends that gives the MC headaches.

  12. Nero seems to be the secondary. He didn't make a strong impression but I think that's because he's a quieter personality...

  13. Darius is a strong character, and understandably upset about the rule breaking Nero did. He seems like a very "follow the rules" kinda guy, and aware of consequences. Nero, on the other hand, only seems to look at the short term results and not the bigger picture. Neither of them bad guys, but differences that clash between the two. I like them both and think the characters come off clearly.

  14. I really enjoyed this scene and feel like I have a good sense of Nero (who I assume is the secondary character).

    I agree about the short action sentences in a row "Darius groaned. Nero jumped." And, actually, I don't understand why Nero jumps. It doesn't seem like he should be surprised that Darius groaned.

  15. I assume Nero is your SC. He's well done...irresponsible, yet likeable about it.