Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 22

TITLE: Blood Heir

More tears slide down my face. “Just shoot me!” I yell out, trying to yank my hand away.

“Oh Irena.” His eyes travel down to look at my wounded hand. “I’ll get you cleaned up. Let’s go sit down.” He is still holding my wrist as he leads me to a small desk with a chair next to the bed. I stare at his face. It is cleanly shaven and shiny. A stray string of chocolate brown hair brushes his nose. He sits me down at the chair.

I cannot move nor say anything because of the overwhelming grief that sweeps through my body. It paralyzes me, and when I look at my hands, I see them shaking.

He grabs a first aid kit from under the bed, and kneels down on the floor in front of me.

All I can whisper is, “Why are you helping me? … Who are you?”

A tweezer is gripped between his fingers and he reaches for my hand. “I’m helping you because of who you are.” Fiery pain spreads through my hand and arm as he pulls out the glass. “And my name is Derek.”

My eyes are squished close and I refuse to look down at the wound. I can feel the glass being pulled out. His hands are rough like those of someone who is a carpenter, and the tweezers are none too gentle.

Soon I feel my hand being bound in a bandage. I open my eyes and look down. The pieces of mirror and my blood are on a sheet of newspaper. My hand is clean and neatly wrapped. The pain still throbs, but not as much.


  1. Hiya! I'm cheating on this one cos I've read it before (so know what comes before and after) and Derek comes across as very kind, a little sorry that he has to hurt the protagonist. Looking forward to reading more!

  2. Derek seems nice, but I don't get much out of him from this particular piece. It's more focused on the injury.

  3. Derek's your SC.

    This looks really great and he does stand out. I get the idea that he is one of her captors - hence her surprise when he makes no attempt to hurt her.

    I'm trying not to crit through here, but things like this: "is holding my wrist as he leads" would read better "Still holding my wrist, he leads"

    Watch out for possible rewordings like that which would make the text read more naturally.

    Overall though - you SC stands up well and this reads well.

  4. Not getting much of a read on Derek. He seems gentle enough, but she seems afraid of him. Not sure why from what you've written here. I'm sure what came before or comes after alludes to that. I think the scene itself was well-written. I feel Irena's fear and grief.

  5. I don't know much about Derek from here, but I get the sense that he is gentle and kind, and that his helping her is a bit of a surprise.

  6. I'm thinking Derek is the SC.

    We learn a bit about Derek in this scene (clean shaven, brown hair, rough hands), but I don't get a strong sense of his personality or why Irena questions his helping her.

    (Of course, limiting entries to 250 is constricting, to say the least.)

  7. Too much description that doesn't help much, too little dialogue and action to get a clear sense of Derek. He seems "nice".
    And one thing I find personally annoying are traveling eyes. Sorry.

  8. Ditto on the "can't get a solid feel of Derek" just yet, but there's definite promise there.

    Though the present tense and passive voice did throw me off a bit.

  9. I've seen this elsewhere, and I'll reiterate what I thought the first time I read it. Derek seems kind and helpful. On a deeper level, I wonder if he isn't an opportunist of some sort. Since most of the scene focuses on Irena's grief, I can't get a firmer grasp on Derek than those few things.

  10. I liked the detail of Derek's hands. The scene seemed more focused on the injury than the character, but he came across real enough.

  11. I wanted to like Derek -- and I did -- but I didn't really get much sense of who he is from this brief bit. (To be fair, though, part of my problem is that most of the time present-tense narratives just set my teeth on edge -- but that's my issue, not the writer's. :-) )

    I'm a little worried about Derek, actually, since he seems to have misplaced his ocular organs. ("His eyes travel down to look at my wounded hand.") Perhaps he should pick those up before he goes much further? ;-)

  12. I'm guessing Derek is the SC. He comes across as sympathetic and caring.

    One thing I found a bit odd was the description of his face as shiny.

  13. Derek is the SC, and seems very nice and gentle and knowledgeable. He sort of seems like he has a secret, that he shouldn't be helping her. He didn't compel me--yet.

  14. Not getting much about Derek. He's not entirely flat, but he's not filled out, either.

    Sorry, just didn't work for me.