Title: Between the Shadows
Genre: Science Fiction
Neither Eric nor John knew who the stranger was. They didn't like the
look of him though. A thin grin remained pasted on his face as he
crossed in front of them. He stared out from underneath a large black
hat. His eyes shone even in this waning light. They reflected the
light, tainting it with an orange glow. They reminded John of the
Wretched.
In fact, it looked as if he enjoyed the image it gave him. Only his
black sideburns stood out, trimmed and proper. He wore a full length
black jacket that crossed over, buttoning over his left breast. He was
the first to speak, "It was me. I was the one who warned you." His
grin transformed into a devilish smile.
"And you might be?" John asked.
"Oh, I know who I am. I'm certain of that. But names are so formal.
Let's just say I'm an interested party." He lifted his hat ever so
slightly before releasing it, allowing it to fall back onto his head,
as he performed a mocking bow.
"Why'd you help me?"
"It'd be boring if you were taken out of this . . . game too quickly."
Eric finally joined in the game. A tinge of annoyance had tainted his
voice, "Game?"
"Oh yes, the pieces aren't moving as quickly as I would have liked
though." He paced slowly between the two walls. All the time his eyes
watched them, that smile locking in place.
I had shivers as I read this - I just hope the strange man won't haunt my dreams! Realistic to me :)
ReplyDeleteyunaleska said it before I could, but this gave me the chills! Great characterization :-)
ReplyDeleteWow, here the description really paints the guy. I love the detail of the lifting of the hat. It gives an image of a mysterious, cocky stranger.
ReplyDeleteI'd be interested to read on, but also a bit afraid that this would just be an omniscient messenger who hops in and out of the story to dump info.
Great characterization here. The guy is creepy!
ReplyDeleteGood characterization. A little too much description in the beginning two paragraphs for me - perhaps a little of that can be cut to emphasize the man's personality more.
ReplyDeleteLoved the hat lifting and the "interested party" line. Was a little confused by Eric joining the game, but I'm guessing that's contextual.
Great introduction to the mysterious stranger! He jumps off the page - I found him creepy, but my impression is that he's also quite charismatic.
ReplyDeleteIn the last line, I don't know if it might be better to say "that smile locked in place" rather than "locking".
I loved this. Very creepy and intruiging, that Stranger.
ReplyDeleteI think it’s great. I do think that the opening could be reworked a little. Maybe condense some of the info. I love the images.
ReplyDeleteReally good descriptions and a powerful sense of foreboding here. I did feel, however, it was a bit wordy at places (mostly with the first two paragraphs).
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'd avoid the word repition in:
Eric finally joined in the game. A tinge of annoyance had tainted his
voice, "Game?"
From the third paragraph down, I love the descriptions of the stranger. His demeanor is strange and a little chilling. In the first paragraph, being inside the heads of both Eric and John at the same time confused me, and the descriptions of the stranger grew tedious until he speaks.
ReplyDeleteVery intriguing character. I love the way he avoids giving his name, and the tip of the hat. Chilling is a good way to describe to him. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lori about word repetition.
ReplyDelete"Eric finally joined in the game."
Perhaps that could be changed, I like that they are referring to whatever as a "game" in the dialogue.
Great character, had that "X-Files" feel to him.
Choice here...
ReplyDeleteJohn sounds like your MC, but he could share that honor with Eric, depending on the rest of the novel. The stranger, in this case, is your definite SC.
The "Wretched" sets his description up really nicely. You only described enough to give the reader a picture of this guy. And his dialogue was mysterious and kept in character. So nice job.
The game - I'm going to be jogging my memory all evening, trying to figure out what that reminded me of.
I agree with the rest of the gang. I thought the characterization was great here, but I would have liked a little less description in the opening to get to the interaction a little quicker.
ReplyDeleteReally well done. :)
I think your SC is the 'stranger'. He's very realistic. Your characterization is great!
ReplyDelete