I told absolutely no one about what happened up there. Not even my best friend, Sara. I don’t know if she would have believed me anyway. I don’t know if I would have believed myself.
It was on a Thursday afternoon. I decided to brave the attic without Mom. I hated going up there ever since I saw a spider that was so big Dad said he would find a leash for it. Yuck! But I didn’t want to wait for Mom to come home because I knew when she was at Auntie Laura’s, she lost all track of time. How could I have known what would happen to me?
“Don’t be a wuss,” I said aloud. So I grabbed the hook stick and latched it onto the metal ring on the attic cutout door. The steps unfolded and a puff of cool air caressed my face. When Dad was alive, I had no problem tagging behind him especially during Christmas. We would make this four link human assembly line to haul boxes of ornaments downstairs. It would be Dad, then me, then my sister Katie, and finally, Mom.
“Be careful with that one,” Dad would whisper as he handed me a large box. “I think Santa Claus might still be trapped in there from last year. Hear him? Listen!”
Have YOU been a good girl this year?”
It got my attention. It's mysterious, but then we are introduced to the family and it was a nice clear portrayal of one. The dad pretending the box had Santa in it was funny. I wondered why she needed to go up into the attic. The voice was strong and I was intrigued. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteClean, clear voice, a hint of mystery why the mc needed to go to the attic. I want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI'd probably read more, especially with the mystery about the attic...I just hope there's more up there than spiders and Christmas ornaments :)
ReplyDeleteI had some problems with the time hopping, from the now, looking back to the thursday it (whatever it was) happened in the attic, and further back to when her Dad was alive, in such a short space, with no grounding in the now. Is the looking back from the unspecified now, to the day something awful happened neccesary? I suspect it will take away from any tension you raise in the story, knowing the protaganist is through it, alive and well, even if she doesn't tell anyone.
ReplyDeleteI had some problems with the time hopping, from the now, looking back to the thursday it (whatever it was) happened in the attic, and further back to when her Dad was alive, in such a short space, with no grounding in the now. Is the looking back from the unspecified now, to the day something awful happened neccesary? I suspect it will take away from any tension you raise in the story, knowing the protaganist is through it, alive and well, even if she doesn't tell anyone.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading to find out what happens in the attic that is so unbelievable! I think you worked the background in well, too. Not sure about word choice of "wuss"-- seems distractingly slangy, maybe more like something a boy might say.
ReplyDeleteI liked how you used the dad to show us the MC's name. I'm not sure the third line in the opening paragraph makes sense. You've got an interesting set up making me wonder what's more unbelievable in this attic than a hugh spider and the drop in of a dead father adds some tension. Right now I'd say I'm borderline hooked, which means I'd turn a few more pages so you have me nibbling. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. Too much backstory for any opening (maybe just my taste, I don't know.) I'm curious as to what happens, why she shouldn't have gone up there, but still a "no."
ReplyDeleteYe-Maybe.
ReplyDeleteStrong characterization here. But I think you need to tell us why she's going up into the attic. Or why it was so urgent it couldn't wait until her mom came home.
I would read on in hopes for some action soon. Nice job with the voice.
ReplyDeleteI'd say yes. I liked the MC's voice and the portrait of a family you painted to help emmerse your readers into Mandy's world. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThe voice is good but I'd like to see you open with the action and show the reader rather than telling us in a flashback. Have you visited Kristin Nelson's blog over at Pubrants? She wrote about this just the other day. Take a look and see if it helps. There's lots of potential here but I'm not hooked yet.
ReplyDeletehttp://pubrants.blogspot.com/2008/07/beginning-writer-mistakes-take-2.html
Yes, but I'd love to see this as it happens, rather than a flashback. Loved the spider/leash comment.
ReplyDeleteNo. With some rewriting, I might be interested. Starting after the event happened and reflecting back on it pulls me out of the moment. I think there would be more tension if you start with Mandy going into the attic alone, rather than describing the event after the fact.
ReplyDeleteI do like the scene between the protagonist and her father. It's sweet and develops their characters well. It also adds a bit of sadness to the fact that Mandy no longer has her father.
Keep working on this one, because there's some good stuff in it. For now I'd have to pass.
I would most definitely read on. I like the tone. I already have a feel for Mandy, her fears, her longing, her being a pragmatist (at least it appears so thus far). I want to know more. "How could I have known..." Perfect! You've got the reader right in, alongside Mandy.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm on the fence. On one hand, I like the characterization and voice, but it is backstory and while I'm sure there is something interesting, I really think it might work to show a different event later, with her experience with the attic coloring her behavior, and once we've been hooked, then go back and show what happened... or start with the actual event in real time. This could work, and I do think it has some strong points, I'm just a little hesitant at the moment to say yes wholeheartedly with the way it begins.
ReplyDeleteGood luck,
~Merc
Sadly, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt's got a nice strong voice, and a good mystery to open with, but it sidetracks. We were already in a flashback of the day 'it' happened and then we go even further back.
That would probably work better if the day 'it' happened was the present and she was thinking about the past as she crept around the attic.
Good background with the family, just a little distracting from the plot at hand.
Close. Like the voice and am hoping the answer to "what's in the attic?" is really compelling. But I'd also suggest reworking the first two paragraphs (keep the leashed spider, but do we really need to know it's Thursday?). I also thought the showing of warm Dad memories...when in fact he's gone..was really effective, but to compensate for those flashbacks, I'd recommend as others have that her inciting attic adventure be told in real time rather than flashback.
ReplyDeleteDitto re flashback and some trimming, but on the whole yes :)
ReplyDelete