GENRE: young adult urban fantasy
I put a hand up to my forehead, surprised to feel a thin layer of sweat. Lord but this nightclub was hot. I’d barely stepped inside Poison and I already wanted a drink. I slid my fake ID into the pocket of my jean shorts, becoming 17 again, and squinted up at the flashing strobe lights. Purple light, followed by blue and then orange sliced through the darkness right into my eyes. It would be nice if I could see.
“Come on, Alisha!” Amber screamed into my ear, and started cutting her way through the crowd. I followed as closely as I could without actually holding onto her. I jumped as someone stepped into my path and grinned- no, leered- at me. He had spiked brown hair, held a beer in one hand and seemed fascinated with my chest.. Dancing around me, he left, presumably to target someone alone.
The flashing lights were making me disoriented but I liked the thrill of not knowing exactly where I was or what was going to happen. “This is so freaking awesome!” Amber shouted again, and I nodded. Squeezing our way through the few open spaces, I nearly tripped when she stopped in front of me. I peered around her. Ah. The bar. I should have known..
I waited impatiently behind her- there was no room for me at the counter. I knew what Amber would order – a margarita, just like always.
“Wanna dance?” I turned to see who had spoken.
You sort of had me. For a few moments, I wondered if the protag was over seventeen or under. Not sure why, I just did. I liked the "fascinated with my chest." that made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteFrom there it sort of went downhill. It seems sort of a generic start to a YA novel - teens sneaking into a bar, but I don't see why they'd be getting served drinks if they're underage (ID shows her at 17). So that was weird.
I might read on to see if it got more interesting.
Yes, I'm hooked, 2 kids with fake id's show lots of promise for drama. I'd keep reading. :0)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the uniqueness of this is that she's pretending to be underage? Or was that an error? I took it as correct and that intrigued me: why would someone want to lower their age to 17 again, with a fake I.D.?
ReplyDeleteOverall, I liked this and would read on.
The age thing confused me. And I'm not into the club scene, and it's not one I want my kids involved in. Unless the book has an excellent moral about why the laws are there to keep people to young to be smart safe this is a pass.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading to find out why the age 17 thing. Also, I know lots of stuff has to be revealed as the story goes on and I expect lots of action too. I like guessing... I guess they are from somewhere else and are probably older not younger. (g)
ReplyDeleteTentative yes-- I'd want to see the rest of the chapter first. Right now, two kids sneaking into a bar and one being asked to dance isn't high on the tension/conflict meter.
ReplyDeleteAlso noted several grammar mistakes (extra periods, incorrect emdashes, passive voice)
Tentative no. I like UF a lot, but I need more of a hook to keep me reading. I'm not convinced that Alisha would go through the trouble of getting a fake ID, then be so tentative in the nightclub. Unless Amber got the ID without telling her and dragged her there, I think Alisha needs to be more consistent. I like the idea of her acting skittish, so I'd suggest having her nervous about having the ID and sneaking into the club. A couple small changes like that, and I'd be more interested in reading further.
ReplyDeleteNo, unless, like just_me said, there is a strong moral lesson. I don't want underage kids thinking it's okay for them to drink. It's not. Also, a club just isn't my scene. Pass.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI think you have something good here, but it needs some nudging around and a light editing.
Not quite hooked. The nightclub setting is interesting but the conversation is very generic. i like the implication that the mc's friend is a budding alcoholic, that sounds like something of a hook, but it could be a lot stronger.
ReplyDeleteI'd agree that there's not much unusual here so far. Also, I'm not getting a good sense of who your protagonist is. I have a better feel for who Amber is. I do like the fascinated with the chest line though.
ReplyDeleteNo for me.
ReplyDeleteI don't see anything unsuual or different about this to make it stand out. While I like YA and UF (and YAUF :P) starting in a bar is, to me, like the dreaded "tavern scene" in high fantasy, where everyone gathers in a pub to start their quest. It just feels too typical for me to really be hooked.
Good luck,
~Merc
The writing is very good and yes, I'd keep reading to see what happens next. However, the ID/age 17 thing is kind of clunky and obviously unclear.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteStrong voice, but the plot isn't as strong...seems too familiar. You should start with what makes this story special or at least hint at it. For a ya urban fantasy it seems very normal.
May be just me but the ID/age thing read perfectly clear to me and I appreciated the casual mention of actual age. I wouldn't maybe expend quite so much effort on the lights (I'd lose the first description or combine it with the second). I would've liked maybe a bit more sense of why they've come (boring town? tired of high school boys? looking for someone? great band?) to motivate the action--also since we've established the noise level, would she hear someone say "wanna dance?" Some tweaks to be made there but also some promising elements. If the premise appealed this wouldn't deter me from reading on.
ReplyDeleteWhile some of the description seemed a little thick, I liked the character and voice of it and would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteNo, sorry. Seemed a bit too generic, though a good blurb could overcome that and cause me to read on.
ReplyDelete