Genre: Contemporary Fantasy
The body smashed into the bonnet of David's car - a flash of white clothing, stark in the headlights. He slammed the brake pedal against the floor, a strangled cry escaping his lips. The tyres squealed, skidding on the muddied road before the car shuddered to a halt.
Autumn rain streaked over the darkened windscreen, the wipers close to useless. He took deep shuddering breaths.
‘Oh sh-’
Clenching his fist to control his shaking, he wrenched the door open and stepped out into the torrent. In the dark, trees loomed from both sides of the road, silent sentinels watching. He raced round to the front of the car, the only illumination coming from the headlights. The sound of the idling engine was lost in the drumming of the rain, but his panting breaths rasped in his ears. He steeled himself for the first sight of the body, lying on the road.
No remains laid dramatically across the country lane, broken limbs twisted at impossible angles. Not even a huddled mass, pathetic in death. Nothing.
Soaked, and beginning to shiver, he knelt down to peer under the car, shielding his eyes from the glare of the headlights with his hand. Icy water soaked the knees of his suit and small stones bit into his skin through the material. With his hand on the warm bonnet, his fingers felt the bent metal of a dent. He’d definitely hit something.
But whatever it was, it wasn’t under the car.
Yes, about the only nitpick I have is: Would tyres squeal on mud?
ReplyDeleteA Brit!
ReplyDeleteThis works pretty well. I want to read more.
You might break up the monotony of the sentence structure a bit. A lot of the sentences start with He. You've named Him David, so you could use that for variety.
You start off your story suspensefully with a very dramatic setting. The rain and headlights really added effect to it, and the slight cliffhanger was captivating without being cliched. I like this one.
ReplyDeleteMy only complaint is the huge paragraphs kind of throw me. I find myself skimming and not engaged. You do have excellent descriptions though and I like your closing line. I'd keep reading just to see what you do.
ReplyDeleteI really loved this. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteYes, because it starts with action and I like that he seems to hit something but nothing is there. It makes me curious. Would read on.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
~Merc
I'd say a tentative yes, because the language felt heavy to me. There were too many words to describe the scene. Short sentences, active words, and minimal descriptions would better mirror the shock and horror of hitting something, IMHO.
ReplyDeleteI think your writing is good, and your voice was good. But this did feel like the start of many TV movies and other books. I give you a couple more pages to see what was happening, though, since 1 page is not enough to judge here.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'd read more. The action sucked me into the opening, and I like the strong voice. I also love the genre, so I'd keep turning the pages to see what David hit.
ReplyDeleteYes, but two nits:
ReplyDeleteIf people are going to swear, they usually do it /as/ the action's happening. How is he not swearing as he HITS whateveritis, but then swearing once the car halts etc etc?
'No remains laid' - ack, I really don't like this sentence. The inversion feels clunky and awkward - and it ought to be lay, not laid ;)
Otherwise, yay! :)
YES!
ReplyDeleteYou heard my answer elsewhere on this<:
I want to know where the body went. And WHAT it was. And there is the sense that this guy is in danger.
Yes from me! But then I am reading it... :D
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteGreat visuals, action, and an interesting premise. I want to know what happens next!
Yes.
ReplyDeleteSuspenseful. I felt myself hold my breath when the body hit the car.
I did notice the repetitive "He" at the beginning of sentences. That made it seemed a little choppy.
I'm intrigued and want to read more.
Yes, Good work.
ReplyDeleteThe setup is well handled, and the action and setting move forwards to the eerie revelation.
My only comment is that you over play "No remains laid dramatically across the country lane, broken limbs twisted at impossible angles. Not even a huddled mass, pathetic in death. Nothing." a little.
This could be incorporated into his apprehension of seeing the person he may have killed, before he steps around the car.
Also, "But whatever it was, it wasn’t under the car." might work better as "But whatever it was, it wasn’t in sight." as he's already implied by "definitely hit something" that there's nothing under the car.
JMO.
Good luck.
Yes--bonnet and tyres got me. I love British voices since I married one. (grin)
ReplyDeleteActually, I love British voices when they're DONE WELL. The bits you have here seem to be. I'd keep reading.
-AMY-
Maybe. The action here is feels somewhat conventional and familiar, so I'd need to know where the story was headed to know if I wanted to keep going. I'd be inclined to, though, because the writing's quite polished and there's some great sensory detail here, which I always appreciate.
ReplyDeleteMaybe
ReplyDeleteThe writing is polished but you linger a bit too much on the details which lessened the immediacy of the scene for me.
I think there's also a little bit or repetition in your sentence structure that stands out on a second read (lots two-clause sentences following each other), but that's a really minor nitpick.
Yup, I would and I have. I like the actiony beginning.
ReplyDeleteYes, I would read more, you've hooked me. I want to know what was hit and where it went! :-)
ReplyDeleteMaybe. I like that it starts out in action and raises some good questions, but it seemed a bit heavy on the details that lowered the level of tension for me. I've also similar stuff and would want to know that it was going somewhere different.
ReplyDeleteI really like the writing, here. The hook is great, too; it has a lot of potential. Maybe, as gypsywitch mentined, describe a little bit less. Tension is really key in an opening like this.
ReplyDelete