Title: Game, Set, Murder
Genre: Mystery
Carlos Vega opened his apartment door, tossed his keys onto a black wooden table beside the door and dropped his overnight bag on the floor. He bristled with excitement. His trip to Los Angeles had proven to be more fruitful than he could have imagined. He itched to call Kate to tell her, but she’d never take his call.
He crossed the room to his computer desk, depositing his briefcase on the dark leather sofa as he went. The answering machine, nearly lost among the jumble of file folders on his desk, blinked at him. Maybe Kate had decided to forgive him or, at least, give him a chance to explain. Maybe she even missed him.
Before listening to the messages, he scrolled through the caller ID screen of the telephone. None of Kate’s numbers appeared. He ignored the messages and picked up the telephone’s receiver. He dialed the number from memory.
The answering machine picked up and Kate’s voice came through announcing that she was unable to answer and asking him to leave a message. He waited for the beep.
“Kate, it’s Carlos. Call me.”
She wouldn’t call him.
“It’s urgent. I have new information about your mother’s case.”
She wanted nothing to do with him.
“Whoever takes over the case, will want this information. Please, call me.”
He hung up the telephone. She wouldn’t call him. As soon as she heard his name, she’d erase the message.
I'm afraid this one didn't hook me, although to be fair mysteries aren't usually my genre. There was nothing that leapt out to make me love this MMC (I'm FMC biased). It read well though.
ReplyDeleteThis could be good but it doesn't jump out at me as anything special. There are a lot of books in this genre and you have to be unique to stand out in the crowd. To me, this opening doesn't work as hard as you need it to in a competitive market.
ReplyDeleteI'm mildly interested in the information Carlos has for Kate. I'd keep reading, but I'd need more unusual/exciting descriptions or events to keep going.
ReplyDeleteHmm, not hooking me, sorry.
ReplyDeleteWhile I did rather like how you show hints of their relationship (or current lack of one), I felt like there were too many unneeded details about his apartment/setting that tended to clutter up the sentences, and also, until I know WHAT he is working on (what is the case) I don't really have anything to hook me into reading more.
I don't read this genre a lot, but nothing about this stands out so far to me, sorry.
I do like the Carlos' name though. O:) Yay for avoiding more J names. lol
Good luck,
~Merc
This one gets interesting when you get to the phone call at the end, intersected by the thoughts that she would not call (a man making efforts that are doomed to go nowhere: why? And why would she not call?). And then, added to that, is the information relating to the case. Why would a person NOT want to speak to someone who has more info on their case? That piqued my interest.
ReplyDeleteI think you could cut to this phone call earlier and make more of the case information (of what makes the situation even more tense and, therefore, intriguing.).
I liked the last sentence; it brought it home: even after hearing about the information he says he has, she'd erase it? Why? This began to draw me in.
Afraid not. Your MC just doesn't strike a cord with me. There's nothing wrong with him, per se, but nor is there anything "hooking" about him making me want to read on. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteMaybe. I love mysteries and do think you have an interesting storyline to work with. I agree that you don't need the details of the apt unless, he was going to hide the info somewhere. I'd like to get a feel for his age and know a little bit about him. I think you have something here, just needs a bit more bite.
ReplyDeleteAs it stands -- no.
ReplyDeleteBesides the genre being one I don't read, there are a lot of details about the apartment that bogged down the scene. I'd like to know more about the case and less about the furniture. The details about Kate and Carlos are good, and I like how Carlos keeps thinking about her. With a little trimming, I might read more.
I'd want to know what info he had in the next 50 words, or it would be a no.
ReplyDeleteKizmet
I'm going to echo Just_me's comment :)
ReplyDeleteI'd read on. I think it shows potential. I like the way his phone message talk is interspersed with his thoughts, and there's a nice twist that the woman who is angry with him is more than a girlfriend. I'd quite like to see more of this one.
ReplyDeleteI think I might read on. I like the call, it makes it quite iteresting. In the first paragraph, though, 'bristled' and'itched' are really standing out to me. I'd take one of them away (prob. bristled) and use a different word instead.
ReplyDeleteMaybe.
ReplyDeleteI almost said yes, but I dunno. There was a lot of "would she call, she wouldn't call him". There is a whole scene with him dithering over the phone - and it might have been more interesting with more information about what he'd done to tick her off (even hints) or even why he was excited.
Also, in the back of my head, I wondered why he was checking the messages on an answering machine, instead of just checking his cell phone. And then email. Especially since he'd been traveling.
Not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI still think the case needs more prominence. The scene is very mixed, with bits of a relationship, bits of an important case, bits of Carlos' life, and none of them come through clearly enough to give the scene/plot a sense of direction or focus.
There should be a prevalent focus so I know what the story's about and what I'd expect on the next page. Then, sprinkle in the other, not as important-right-now stuff.
No, sorry.
ReplyDeleteToo much set up, and not enough indication of where this is heading.
I like the fragments of detail that setup a history between Carlos and Kate, but there's noting enticing or intriguing in what you've revealed in the first page.
How are the second two paragraphs relevant? How do they help set up the tension, and advance the plot? You haven't established the scenario enough to develop interest.
This is not my genre, but I suggest you start closer to some concrete action or tension. If that's not practical, then develop a mood (suspicion, danger, conspiracy) that implies the kind of journey you will take us on.
JMO.
Good luck.
I'm more of a fantasy person than a mystery person, but I rather like the tone of this. I like the repetition of "she wouldn't take his call."
ReplyDeleteI'm curious. I'd keep reading.
-AMY-
Some tweaks. So much of a mystery is in how the plot unfolds and you're close to setting this one up but it isn't quite there for me yet. I'd trim some of the description (He bristled with excitement, gone; Before listening to the messages likewise) and get him on the phone a little quicker. Maybe kill the last paragraph and move the "As soon as she heard his name, she'd erase the message" in place of "She wanted nothing to do with him". But a little tightening and I think you'll be in a stronger position with this one, with more of a sense of forward movement to the narrative.
ReplyDeleteI'm mildly interested in finding out what's going on here, but not not hugely hooked. Nothing stands out to completely grab me.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but I like where you started this. Cut out the description at the beginning and get to call. I'd like to see more anxiety and desperation from him. That's the experience you want readers to have so you'll have to work harder at making this opening more distinct. You've got the writing chops for it! 8^)
ReplyDelete