Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Drop The Needle 23

Title: Rekindling
Genre: Science Fiction

"What? Rachel, I can't," Sarah shouted into her earpiece, darting into the kitchen on her stiletto heels.

Matt sat at one end of the black-tiled island, eating a bowl of cereal, and watched as Sarah dumped her things onto the counter and hurriedly took out a glass from the cupboard. She wore a white pantsuit that hugged her figure and contrasted sharply with her jet-black hair and turquoise jewelry. She radiated in the morning sunlight. Matt smiled, admiring her from across the room; she always looked smart.

"Rachel, it's a quarter to eight. I've got a meeting at eight-twenty-five." She quickly poured orange juice into her glass but spilled some in her haste.

"Damn, it!" She jumped back to avoid getting any stains on her suit, "No, not you."

Matt tossed Sarah a dishcloth.

She wiped away the mess and continued, "Just leave Ben in the hotel. He's a big kid, or at least he acts like it."

She pushed the cloth aside, "Well, I can't help it either. There's no way I can go twelve blocks out of my way, drop him off, and be back in time to not blow the deal."

She backed the counter, taking a sip of her juice. She glanced at Matt, wrinkling her brow.

"Cereal, babe?" she whispered, "Why not something healthy like grapefruit?"

Matt responded by slurping the milk straight from the bowl.

Sarah stifled a laugh.

"Fine!" She continued, "If I get fired you'll be the one chauffeuring me around town."


  1. I think the secondary character is Matt: he's just carrying on with life as Sarah gets very flustered with everything. Seems the type to remain calm whatever happens. Hope I'm right! Real for me.

  2. Sarah is your SC.

    She stands out very nicely thanks to your MC's observation, and I can even hear her voice. Nice job.

  3. I get the sense that Sarah is a woman who has a full and busy life - her pantsuit gives the sense that she has a professional position, and her concern about the grapefruit demonstrates that she's healthy and fit. That's about all I get, because I'm unclear on who Ben is, but I think that's plenty for 250 words.

  4. Matt is the POV character, Sarah the SC. She's the always busy type, obsessed with health, and is a bit of a control freak maybe?. But she has a sense of humor and I think you showed it all nicely.

  5. The writing is solid, but I couldn't really tell who was the MC and the SC. Matt had only one line that made me think he was the MC (Matt smiled, admiring her from across the room; she always looked smart.) But, the fact that you started and ended the scene with Sarah pulled me to think she might be the MC.

  6. I like how this scene shows Matt's calm demeanor, as well as the rushed and professional life that Sarah lives. I'm assuming Sarah is the SC, since the viewpoint belongs to Matt. Her voice comes across well, though her franticness makes me nervous.

  7. I like both characters, but I can't guess which is a secondary. I think that's the aim, isn't it? All characters should be able to hold the story up regardeless of how long the spotlight shines on them?

  8. I'm thinking Matt is the SC here, but only because Sarah seems too much the subject of the scene to be SC.

    I get a sense that not much ruffles Matt and I like his irreverent answer to her comment about healthy food.

  9. I'm assuming Matt is the MC and Sarah is the secondary here, and if that's the case, bravo! Sarah is completely three-dimensional and now seems to be pacing in my living room. Could you perhaps insist she return to your place? She's a bit of a nag -- a well-intentioned nag, but a nag nonetheless. ;-)

  10. Since the passage is from Matt's POV, I'm assuming he's the MC and Sarah is the SC. She definitely comes alive. We don't get much intrusion from Matt except to say that she always looks smart, and Sarah's actions and dialogue convey her fast-paced, high-powered kind of lifestyle. Great job!

  11. Sarah's dialogue does a great job of showing of her personality and Matt gives just the right amount of description for a good visual.

  12. Thanks everyone!

    Sarah is my SC here and I'm so glad she came across clearly. I also appreciate the observations some of you picked up about my MC.

  13. I'm guessing Sarah is the SC because Matt seems to be the POV. To me, she came across as being one of those people who puts a lot of effort into her appearance and is always juggling lots of activities.

    One thing that I found a bit vague was her looking "smart". I assume this refers to her elegant appearance but I did wonder whether it referred to intelligence.

  14. I think Sarah is the SC, and Matt is there to make her already hectic life a little more difficult. And he seemed to enjoy it. That was great.

  15. I can't tell who the sc is!

    Good work - I see her very clearly. But I can't tell the relationship between the two, and that hinders my perceptions about Matt. Is he a lover? Husband? Son?


  16. Reduck - lol! I could see how this piece might give that impression about Matt. This is Matt's day off from work...he has an emotionally taxing job so he's just chilling today. He's really a nice guy...honest. :)

    Kizmet - Matt and Sarah are engaged.