"Nic, all I'm saying is it would be really nice if you could start off on the right foot this year."
My head fell back against the headrest and I grimaced. "I want that as much as you and Dad do." We'd had this conversation so many times it was more like reciting lines than actually talking about why she was so worried. And whether I deserved the lecture or not, I wasn't in the mood to go through it again. "But don't worry. I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it."
I turned my eyes to the Home Depot parking lot as we pulled onto the street. Distracted by my view outside the car window, I barely registered her sigh. The scenery was familiar. Lakes, trees, blue skies. It was exactly like Chicago, except the city was missing. Everywhere we drove, the Minneapolis skyline was somewhere on the horizon. But when we drove through downtown, I felt more like I was leaving the city than entering it. Everything was too small, too tame, too clean.
"You can reinvent yourself here," she continued. "Be whoever you want."
I snorted. "Yeah, everyone's gonna be real impressed with the new girl taking all the remedial classes."
"Hey." Her voice had a bite. "That's not—"
I raised my hands. "Sorry. I'm sorry. Look, I know this move wasn't a part of the grand plan. It's just - This isn't easy for me either."
A going-to-the-new-school story. It needs to have a twist. And the dialogue doesn't sound natural. The remedial angle is good but make it work harder.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first sentence. That really drew me in. (I've known many parents to say just this and the sense of familiarity I had with it made me think I could 'get' this story.)
ReplyDeleteYes, it's an old premise, but I think the remedial classes adds a new twist. But perhaps, as writerperson said, you could make it work a little harder. I don't think you'd have to change this too much; just a few choice words to heighten what makes this story unique compared to all those others. I.e., I snorted. "Yeah, everyone's gonna be real impressed with the new girl taking all the remedial classes." She tapped the top of her helmet at the thought. (Of course, I added the helmet bit just to show how one sentence can make us intrigued: why is she wearing a helmet? This is new. Has she had a head injury? Is this why she's in remedial classes? But your character/plot might be unique for other reasons. Anything you can do to give us a hint to this, at this stage, would draw us in more.)
No. The conversation is awkward and the MC doesn't seem to fit her age. Does that make sense? The MC sounds like an adult trying to be a child. It doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteSo far, I'm interested. But I think I'd need to read the rest of the chapter to give a definite yes.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I like the remedial class angle and agree that another question or deepening of that would help draw the reader in.
ReplyDeleteI wondered who the MC was talking to. I assume her mother but you never actually say. She could be a witch or goblin or anything else but the MC's mother. Just joking.
A tentative no. At this point, there isn't enough conflict to keep me hooked. I feel bad for the girl having to find her place in a new school, while at the same time taking remedial classes, but I need more of a hook to keep me reading. Is there a particular reason Nic and her mom moved? A little more information would keep me interested. I do like the voice, and the piece looks well written, so keep working on it.
ReplyDeleteNo.
ReplyDelete(Although the comparison of Minneapolis to Chicago amuses me greatly! ;))
The dialogue is borderline "as you know, Bob" -- if they have had this conversation before, I don't really want to see it as the opening. I want to see the action, see her starting her new life and how it's either the same or different, etc.
Good luck,
~Merc
I'd establish gender sooner. A lot of set up, but nothing really happens. So, the answer would be no, not hooked. Sorry :(
ReplyDeleteYES! I love it!
ReplyDeleteI have a teenage daughter with learning disabilities and was immediately drawn in because I could understand exactly where your characters were coming from. Add to that your easy, flowing style of writing and I was hooked.
Yes<:
ReplyDeleteYou had me at the first line. Strong voice.
Strong voice, strong writing, so-so beginning that's pretty slow. Needs a hook. Fish out of water stories are classic, though. Punch up he beginning and I think you'll have a winner.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't very engaging. Nothing happened and I don't get a sense of what might happen.
Yes. I like the upper YA voice. I'd maybe drop the comment of "we'd had this conversation so many times" but I love the "it was like reciting lines" image. I think that is such a common feeling with teens, where parents fixate and they feel powerless to reframe the conversation. I'd be looking for a strong hook in the pitch, but so far I'm on board.
ReplyDeleteI thought this flowed nicely and had a good sense of voice and I'd definitely read on, although I'd be hoping for more twists to the start a new school plot. As long as other stuff later on kept hooking me, I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe last line turned me off. It makes the MC sound, as others mentioned, as if she's an adult, not a child.
ReplyDeleteIt also took me a bit to figure out if the MC was male or female, which bugged me.
That said, I like the scenery descriptions, and the idea is potentially hooky, so if I were actually reading this in a book I'd probably give it a few more pages.