TITLE: Texie's Journey
GENRE: middle-grade fiction
The dogs across the road were barking and I needed to find out why. I’m supposed to keep an eye on things when my people are gone. I ran back and forth in my fenced backyard, but our house was in the way and I couldn’t see. Mom had put me out earlier, before she left in the car. Dad was at work and Kyle and Lisa were in school. How could I do my job?
Dad put a wire around it that bites if I touch it, so I couldn’t jump it. He put it there a few sunsets ago after I jumped it to play baseball in the yard with Kyle and his friends. He called the wire a fence charger.
I raced back and forth, trying to jump high enough to see around the sides of the house without getting bit. No luck. Back to the gate. Maybe that thingy Kyle always used to open the gate… I stuck my nose under it and pushed up.
The gate swung open.
I dashed down the gravel drive and across the road. It felt good to be able to run full out for a change with no fence to stop me and to feel the cool air ruffling my fur. I wanted to play. Maybe, if Sam and Sarge were out, they’d like to romp. A pebble stuck between my toe pads. I hitched a step, but didn’t stop.
Don't know that the dog narrator will work. Especially since we don't get a sense of what the story/conflict is. Just a dog out for a run. However, you did a nice job of quickly establishing that the narrator is a dog!
ReplyDeleteThis one is a no for me, but I think it could be a yes.
ReplyDeleteHere are the two things holding me back:
First, you jump between past and present tense in a distracting way.
Second, we don't know the narrator is a dog until the end of this opening. "when my people are gone" doesn't do the job on its own. And by referring to "Dad" early in the opening, the discovery becomes jarring. I think we need to know that a dog is our narrator from the get-go.
If you took care of that, then I'd be a yes.
It took me awhile to figure out the narrator was a dog and not a young child. I'm not in love with the idea and I'm not liking the idea of a dog calling a human Dad. I don't like humans who refer to their pets as children, it's silly, but it's enough to put me off reading this.
ReplyDeleteAfraid not. Other than the mention of fur, this could have been a child chained in the backyard for all I knew-- meaning the dog POV isn't strong enough IMHO. Re: plot-- I think the dogs barking part might be stronger if your narrator (whose name we don't know) had a sense of unease to back it up.
ReplyDeleteNot yet.
ReplyDeleteI got he was a dog right away, but he doesn't sound canine. I'd like to see you get into his doggy nature a little more--anthropomorphize him more. Right now he feels like a kid in a fur coat, and while that can work, I would really like to see how you can do a more canine anthro MC narrator. ;)
Good luck,
~Merc
This sounds sounds younger than MG to me. I ran with it and got the dog was the narrator but I agree he/she needs more personality. Although, I can see the story could go in a lot of different directions from here.
ReplyDeleteNo. It's a personal preference, but I can't stand animals narrating books. He also doesn't sound canine enough -- more like a human in dog form. Unless he is a human somehow, make him feel more animalistic. Others might like this sort of narration, but it doesn't hook me.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. I did, however, figure out it was a dog almost right away. This feels like younger level reading than what you labeled it as. Have you ever read the "Hank the Hounddog" series? It's for your target audience (if I remember correctly), has a dog narrator, and is humorous. Maybe try reading that... not to copy, but to get a better feel for the age group. Of course, I could be totally off on this. I don't write middle-grade :~ Please don't take offense.
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI got turned off by the pov and the cheezy narration...
No from me. I wasn't keen on the style, and the story didn't grab me.
ReplyDeleteNo, it didn't hook me. I wasn't that crazy about a dog narrator. And it seemed younger than middle grade.
ReplyDeleteInteresting pov, but not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe dog sounds like a pup (how's he supposed to keep guard?) and soon after we get a sense of danger, he's talking about playing with his doggy buddies. I think the dog needs less cutesiness and a little more attitude.
No. When a dog narrator works, it can be so compelling, and I think it could be really appealing for this age group, but I don't think this one's there yet. Don't get caught up in the minutiae--the wire, the fence, the mechanisms. I'd rather get more of a dog's eye view of life than of the fence. How does he view his place in the family?
ReplyDeleteI got it was a dog right away, and thought it was cute, but I'd like more sensory detail and dogginess... I think you can bring out the POV more than it is.
ReplyDeleteOkaaayy... My post's been eaten! I'm so glad I happened to click on this again!
ReplyDeleteI also got that it was a dog right away, which is cute... But I didn't really get enough sense of conflict to draw me in, and the voice isn't strong enough to make up for that. Sorry.
~inkblot