Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS14

TITLE: Normal
GENRE: Urban fantasy

The early morning sun painted dusty streaks of light through the gaps in the blinds, informing me, most rudely, that morning had arrived.

22 comments:

  1. This sentence is a tiny bit purple. It could be cut down by three or four words and stand just as well, and probably be more compelling. I'm sorry, but I wouldn't ask to borrow this from a friend (my measure of a good hook) with this. It has potential, but needs work.

    Amethyst

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  2. The sentence is a little long, but I think you can probably re-work it and make it a little more punchy.

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  3. This sentence doesn't catch me. I don't have any reason to care that the sun is waking someone.

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  4. I like the voice, the dry character, but I have to agree that it's not catching. Unless the character has a nasty magic-hangover or something.

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  5. Person waking up = cliche opening.

    Start with something happening. At least, that's what I've been told. And it's what draws me in as a reader.

    "most rudely" sounds dated to me. I was thinking historical and then I saw Urban fantasy as the genre and was surprised.

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  6. Usually waking up is a bad way to start off, unless the character's waking up in a unique place or under unique circumstances. Sadly, light through the blinds is neither.

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  7. Yes, it is cliche to start with someone awakening. That aside, soft and gentle descriptors like 'painted', 'dusty', 'streaks through gaps', don't really give you the rudeness that you're going for. If you want it rude, make it RUDE! :) Sorry, I'm not hooked.

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  8. I really don't think that light streaking through gaps in some blinds is a rude way to wake someone up. So, I'm not hooked.

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  9. Death by commas. rudely informing me

    I'd read on to see what scene you chose to start with. It's UF, so the action starts quickly.

    Also the problem with starting here is things are scarier at night. Unless we are talking about a vamp, what is the significance of the sun rising? Unless morning is significant to this creature, I'd start the story later.

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  10. I love the literary writing of this. Combined with the voice, it's perfect!

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  11. Nice imagery, but I am not hooked.

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  12. Love the dry voice. Would read on to see what's next.

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  13. I like the writing and voice, but not the setup - urban fantasy to me implies there will be action, and that's how I'd like to see the book open.

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  14. Sorry, no--it sounds like a close cousin of the 'waking up' opening. I like parts of the voice (the "most rudely" in particular makes it stand out) but there's not a hook here for me.

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

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  15. Thank you for the feedback! It's greatly appreciated. I will be rearranging my opening paragraph for a more emotional punch.

    As for her waking up being cliche - her entire world is about to fall apart in just a few sentences. Context is tricky when everything is being judged by a single line, but I agree with you - that one line can be improved.

    Many thanks!

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  16. Since you answered most of what I was going to say, I'll just mention that the word 'morning' shouldn't be used twice in the same paragraph, never mind the same sentence. Not hooky enough as is, but sounds interesting with a good title

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  17. You're trying just a little to hard. The end was better than the beginning. In respect for that fact, I'd keep reading to see if things kept improving.

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  18. The first part of the sentence was painting a flowery picture, but then come to find out, the MC is upset about being awake. I thought it was a contradiction. And I think your tone is more visible in the second half; the first half is over-writing. Stick with your true voice and it will work out. Good work.

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  19. Sorry, I'd pass. I love people who hate mornings, but it feels wordy. I get the same visual with something more concise like "The early morning sun sliced through the blinds" and then "informing me most rudely" seems off as well. "informing" seems tame and neutral, not necessarily agressive. Also, since your first words had been that it was the "early morning sun" then telling the reader "that morning had arrived" is redundent.

    If you want to make the sun that obnoxious, then I'd go with something annying like "The early morning sun sliced through the blinds, through my tired eyes, and right into my hungover brain." and that way you're giving the reader some detail about the POV character as you're giving the visual.

    Fred

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