Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS18

TITLE: So Much Depends
GENRE: YA fiction

Wreck’s laughing, not at all scared.

21 comments:

  1. No - just not enough to hook me.

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  2. This doesn't hook me. I think a few more details would help. Something hinting at why he should be scared.

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  3. I'm not hooked. Of course the second sentence could be the key but we don't know that. I also do not under "Wreck's laughing" is Wreck a name? I think it will distract your reader immediately which is when you want to grab them.

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  4. Doesn't work for me. And probably most of us aren't scared when we're laughing. Rather than tell us not at all scared, why don't you hint at what is making Wreck laugh?

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  5. PCB's reading, not at all hooked. Sorry, couldn't resist. Actually, I think it's the tense that's bothering me. Normally someone laughing when they should be scared would pique my interest.

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  6. The wording is very awkward. I'm not sure I'd read on.

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  7. This sentence confuses me. I had to read it several times before I realized that Wreck was a person/individual...

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  8. confused and not hooked. sorry!

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  9. Too confusing to use a word like 'Wreck' in that way right off the bat and even if you substitute any other name:

    Bob's laughing, not at all scared.

    It just doesn't make sense on it's own...

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  10. Sorry, not hooked--I ended up scratching my head more than wanting to know what was going on.

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

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  11. Is this present tense? Something about it seemed wrong, like you'd written it that way by accident.

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  12. I found this just too confusing for a first sentence.

    On first glance it read like it lacked a verb.

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  13. Sentence felt awkward to me, I didn't feel like there was a voice behind the comment.

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  14. I'm with Amy Sue - too confusing.

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  15. Nope, not for me . . . just doesn't grab me, sorry.

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  16. Sorry, I'd pass. I assume that, since it's not "I'm laughing" that it's third person POV present tense. (if it's first person present, then it's a POV slip because there's no way for the MC to know for sure whether or not Wreck would be scared.)

    Third person present is tough to pull off. If you're gonna divulge that the MC isn't scared, then you might as well divulge what it is he's either laughing at or supposed to be scared of (or both if you can pull it off). Something like "Wreck's laughing at the gun leveled at his chest, not at all scared" I mean, why keep the reader in the dark any longer than he needs to be?

    Fred

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