Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS28

TITLE: Untitled novel
GENRE: mystery/thriller

I'd like to believe that absent my lingering hangover the crab scurrying from underneath what remained of Tori's sweatshirt and across her lifeless torso would not have had such a bilious effect on me—but I knew better.

18 comments:

  1. Me too. This doesn't really make sense. It feels like you're trying too hard. Since this is written in first person just get to the point without the melodrama.

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  2. I'm lost too. Feels like a word is missing.

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  3. Too wordy, and the words get in the way of what could have more oomph. However, also consider that ANYONE seeing a crab scurrying from underneath someone we know's dead torso would be enough to make us ill. So I feel like that character is talking a lot about nothing important. I'm not hooked.

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  4. I feel like some commas are missing (after hangover) and the sentence needs tightening

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  5. This would be a nice first line for me if it had proper punctuation. Sorry, but as it is, it doesn't say what I think you want it to say.

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  6. too wordy and I'm lost already. Maybe start with the image of the crab and then give us the reaction.

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  7. Even as is, the sentence doesn't make sense: hungover, drunk, stoned, sober, doesn't matter: the crab under the dead girl is going to have that effect...especially Tori Spelling (you did mean for us to imediately picture Tori Spelling, right? Maybe that's just me...)

    Doesn't say what you want it to say as it is right now...

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  8. I'm lost. I think it's the word "absent" coupled with missing punctuation that makes this so confusing.

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  9. Sorry, I didn't understand that at all.

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  10. I'm not sure what you mean by a "bilious effect." I can't say I would read on to find out what's going on here.

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  11. I feel as though some punctuation changes would make the sentence more clear. I had to pause to figure out what you were saying. Can't promise I'd keep going.

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  12. "Big" words and a rambling sentence are a difficult combination for a reader to figure out. I'm confused.

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  13. I was confused and had to re read this several times.

    I suspect absent was the wrong word to use here.

    If it have been replaced by 'in spite of', and the whole sentence shortened to something a little simpler, it may have worked better.

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  14. Sorry, but this is a mess. The construction is wonky, and you have too many things going on - what's the focus? The dead girl, the hangover, the fact that it made the protag sick?

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  15. You lost me too. I think you meant:

    I'd like to believe the crab scurrying from underneath what remained of Tori's sweatshirt and across her lifeless torso wouldn't have made me gag if it weren't for my lingering hangover.

    But this is also too wordy for my tastes.

    Maybe try: The crab scurried from underneath Tori's ruined sweatshirt and across her lifeless torso.

    But I'm not sure that would interest me enough to keep reading either.

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  16. Too long and involved for my taste. And is the crab the crustacean, beach living creature or the tiny arthropod that infects humans and animals?

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  17. Sorry, I'd pass. Seems overwritten to me. Genteel way of presenting what would be a horrible situation. "absent my lingering hangover" should have commas around it. I'd rather just be told in a straight forward manner "As soon as I saw the crabs eating Tori's eyeballs, I lost my lunch" or something along those lines.

    Fred

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