Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS29

TITLE: The Fallen
GENRE: paranormal romance


Daniel hadn't felt this sense of hope in centuries.

18 comments:

Hélène Boudreau said...

Hmm..I might read on..makes me wonder...

Lizzle said...

Fix the passive and generic "hadn't felt" and I'd read on.

Dorothy said...

If I were a Twilight reader, I think I'd be hooked.

c.e.lawson said...

Interesting. I'd read on.

Deb S said...

Definitely intrigued and would read on. But felt like there was something a little off about the sentence. Sorry, can't put my finger on exactly what.

romoak said...

I like the sentence. Intruiging. But for the title, "Fallen" is - to me - cliched and overused already.

Judy said...

I would read on.

Peter said...

Probably needs a fresher title and a more aggressive sentence but I like the concept and the emotion of Daniel.

ella144 said...

I like the twist of "hope" where I was expecting "hopeless." I'd read on, but the sentence needs refining...maybe it's the passive voice? or the verb "felt?"

Merc said...

I agree the title is way too common and over-used. I'm not really hooked--while I'm mildly curious about the hope, it feels a bit passive for some reason here.

I'd give it a few more lines, maybe.

Good luck,

~Merc

Alice said...

Hooked. Especially because I just know you're going to take the hope away sooner or later. And make him claw his way back to it.

PCB said...

Perhaps "hopeful" instead of "sense of hope."

Dominique said...

Reading on, that's for sure. I want to know about this Daniel and why he's hopeful.

Kathleen MacIver said...

Hmmm...this is one that doesn't hook me, but it doesn't stop me either.

My only question is...are there different senses of hope, and this is the first time in centuries he's sensed this one? If so, make sure you give us a simple explanation really quickly!

Elise said...

I like it. But then, I generally enjoy vampire stories (whih I'm guessing this one is). I also liked "sense of hope" because it allows for only the possibility of hope, not the actual feeling itself. That, to me, captures well how far from optimism the character is.

Cheryl S said...

I liked the immortal twist.... and the sense of ennui

I'd read on

puzzlehouse said...

Too generic for me. My first thought is vampires, and I'd need something really fresh before reading more.

Lunatic said...

Sorry, I'd pass. I'd almost rather be given the hopeless state he was in to open the sentence and then be told he had just been given a sense of hope. "Daniel had been wretched and hopeless for so many centuries, he wondered if this hope wasn't some cruel hoax." Or, you get what I mean.

Fred