Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS30

TITLE: Blood Moon Crossing
GENRE: Paranormal


Ziva’s tongue unrolled from her mouth, the forked end tasting, smelling the environment.

20 comments:

redqueen1 said...

You lost me when you said that the tongue both tasted and smelled. If it's like a snake, it would only taste. And if it's actually smelling ... well, I dont' know if I'd put that in the first sentence. It's kind of confusing.

Tracey S. Rosenberg said...

I liked the first half of this sentence better than the second half. Not entirely sure of the comma, though I think I can see why it's there, and it might help establish the voice. Might be worth considering breaking the sentence in two and giving the second part more development.

c.e.lawson said...

Awkward sentence structure. The way it's worded, the tongue is unrolling, tasting, and smelling the environment all at the same time. Could be interesting, but I was put off by the wording.

Amy said...

I would like this better as:

Ziva's tongue unrolled from her mouth, the forked end tasting the environment.

The two commas make it awkward. Like the idea though.

Eric said...

I would agree with the others partly, in that the wording is difficult. But the sentence as a whole is still intriguing, and with a little work it would definitely be a good hook.

Lara said...

Amy has it right. Better wording and now I'm interested.

Jeanne Ryan said...

concept has me interested, the sentence wording is awkward

Judy said...

Sorry, not hooked.

Peter said...

Ditto Amy...

ella144 said...

good concept. awkward structure/wording.

Merc said...

I like Amy's suggestion for rewriting--you got my attention with the forked tongue ;) (I want to know how snakish she is) but the structure needs tweaking.

Good luck!

~Merc

PCB said...

Unless you have characters with tongues unrolling from different parts of their bodies (hey, it's paranormal), I think a reader can figure out that her tongue unrolls "from her mouth." You might be able to cut a few words here...

Dominique said...

Okay, I'm with you. Let's keep going. I'm not in love, but you've got my attention.

Kathleen MacIver said...

This doesn't really work for me for the same reasons others have said.

Elise said...

I'm an avid sci-fi and fantasy reader, but this actually creeped me out. I'd be curious to know if the character is some kind of were-creature, but would probably only glance at a page or two to see.

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Okay, you lost me at smelling the environment with the tongue. Sorry that's the physiologist in me. I wouldn't read on, but that's mostly because it isn't my genre.

Anonymous said...

I think leave it at just 'tasting the environment', and lose the second comma. Not crazy about the title, it's a bit generic and the opening line is anything but that. I would definitely read on.

sonja said...

'Environment' is to generic for me. Even 'air' would be better; sounds clinical. Tasted the night might be interesting.

Lunatic said...

Sorry, I'd pass. Forked tongue leads me to believe it's a form of snake, but snakes don't actually roll their togues into their mouths as far as I know. As others have mentioned, the "tasting, smelling" should really be one or the other (I don'
t really care if she uses the togue to smell and you choose to go with smell) and then the ambiguous "environment" is too all encompassing. "air" works better for me. "environment" conveys that she's tasting the trees and rocks as well.

Fred

puzzlehouse said...

In a paranormal, there is no "normal," so whether Ziva's tongue works exactly like a snake's doesn't bother me.

Like Dominique said, I'm not in love with this, but you snagged my attention, so I'm hooked.