Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #30

TITLE: Nice Girls Don't Date Rock Stars
GENRE: Women's Fiction

When she discovers her musician boyfriend has been cheating with a barely legal groupie, Ali’s dream-come-true is shattered. The shocking parallel between the groupie’s life and Ali’s propels her quest to nurture her own talents and regain her self-confidence, if she can learn to build on her past instead of run from it.

12 comments:

Kathleen Basi said...

You've got the inciting incident nailed. What we are missing is what her talents are, and some sense of the past--it's written in pretty general terms; we'd like to see more of what that past is, that would make us root for her in building on it instead of running from it.

Women's Fiction Writer said...

I love a little more specifics here - rather than "nurture her own talents" I'd love if it was "started painting again" (or whatever). I'd love to know how old Ali is, as in "When 35-year-old Ali discovers her musician boyfriend..." because I had to read 14 words before I knew who was cheated on. You can also use a word like "catches her boyfriend" -- or something like that -- as it's alittle more active than "discovers."

Good going! Good luck!

Maggie said...

I agree with the above. I'd like some more specifics too! Overall though, good job!

S.A. Hussey said...

I like it and would read. Great job. Good Luck!

Heather N. Riffle said...

I, too, would like more specifics… just enough to give us a little insight into Ali’s past and those talents she’s seeking to nurture. Also, what exactly was her “dream-come-true?” Was it just being with a musician, or was it more than that? I want to know more about the “shocking parallel,” though that could just mean you’ve done a good job of catching my interest.

Kathryn Purdie said...

The only suggestion I'd add to the others is to add a little comedic voice to this logline. I'm assuming this novel is comedic because of your title. If not, I'd consider changing the title.

MarcyKate said...

I really liked this. If you can add in a couple of the specifics others have asked for, this will really shine. Good job!

Leigh Ann said...

Wow! What a gut-punch of an inciting event! :(

I'd like to know more specifically what her talents are - it might help me attach to the story more and hook me a little bit stronger. Also, does she have a specific goal in mind? Get a kickass new job? Move to Paris? :)

Sounds awesome. Best of luck!

Robbin said...

This is my kind of story :) But, I wasn't sure what her dream-come-true is? Her boyfriend? Her life as a groupie? I, too, would like to know what her talents are. Minor fixes - good job!

Holly Bodger said...

The goal is kinda wishy-washey here. What does "nurture her own talents and regain her self-confidence" look like and how will we know when she has done it? And what is going to happen to make this difficult? And finally, how does she know about this groupie's life and what about the similarities is SO STRONG that it compels her to enter this journey?

Good luck!
Holly

Barbara said...

You have a great opening with the inciting incident, but then it kind of peeters out. WHat is her dream come true? How is her life like the groupie's? What are her talents? How does she overcome her past?

Give us specifics instead of generalities, because otherwise, we have a typical - woman finds herself - story. The specifics are what make it stand out as different and original.

Anonymous said...

Thanks all for your time in helping me polish this. I think I've got clear direction on how to do that so thanks for the constructive thoughts!

I think every detail can't be included in a snappy logline and if I go into the ways Ali's life has paralleled the groupie's (apart from the basic fact that being a groupie doesn't generally, y'know, have great connotations for one's priorities!) then I'd risk bogging it down in backstory, so I'll have to find a way to infer that she's ashamed of what she sees of herself, thanks to meeting the groupie. Hmm.

Thank you for the ideas and encouragement :) I thought query writing was hard! ;)