Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #19

GENRE: Young Adult Science Fiction

A time-traveling teen learns that the legendary abilities she shares with just one other Traveler boy are the only thing that can stop the Traveler's City Director from going back in time to reverse a personal tragedy - and the Director won't hesitate to ruin the future or kill anyone who stands in her way.


  1. Straight-away the mention of 'travel' three times is a bit much. When you have such a small space to work with, I would suggest avoid repeating words.

    I think it could also be broken down into a couple sentences.

    Why do they have to stop the City Director from going back in time? Is it because it will ruin the future? You might want to make that clear.

    Also, this logline starts out about a time traveling teen (which I think you should name) and then by the end it is about the Director and what the director will do.

    It should really remain focused on your MC. And not shift like this.

  2. Very-cool-sounding-story! I'd love to know more about the protagonist teens, n' the world the story is set in, whether it is our world or not. Time-traveling teens is a good hook for me though!


  3. Just a little confusion - I would explain there are a lot of time travelers but only she (I'd name her) and the traveler boy have extraordinary abilities. Any way to mention the city director wants to stop someone from dying? Is that what it is? And what is personally at stake for the heroine?

  4. The story sounds interesting, but the logline is a might confusing. Does she have to work with the other time travelling teen? And why are her abilities unique? At first I thought you meant time travel as being unique but it looks like that's not the case. Also, personal tragedy isn't quite as strong as actually listing what it is.

  5. This sound interesting, but I think you can make it flow better. It's almost a runaway. "with just one other Traveler boy are the only thing"--either are the only thingS or IS the only thing.

    Good luck! :)

  6. I agree with all the comments above. I think it would also be more intriguing if we knew what their special abilities were exactly.

  7. Excellent start, but what I think would really make this fantastic is more specifics. It doesn't have to be long-winded, but a quick word or two about:
    1) what their abilities are and how that could stop the director
    2) what that personal tragedy is
    3) what is personally at stake for the Main character that sends her after the director. We get the idea of the external stakes, but the internal ones would be a nice addition.

    Overall, sounds like a fun read!:)

  8. This entire thing sounds like just the setup. Does she learn this at the beginning of the story. If so, then what? Does she actually try to stop the Director? Does anyone try to stop her?

    Good luck!

  9. I would try breaking it up into two sentences. Give us a little more on the two Travelers and maybe a stronger intro of the Director. Great start! Sounds interesting.

  10. My main concern is that after reading this, I feel like I know more about the Director than I do the MC. I was also confused about the time traveling abilities, because at first it seems only the MC and one other person have the ability. But the Director does as well, so this should probably be clarified.

    Also, it's not clear what the consequences are if the Director stops the tragedy (outright prohibition against tampering with the past?). You do have an interesting premise here, and the idea of a society of time travelers fascinates me.