Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #33

TITLE: Gwenyth and the Golden Spine 
GENRE: Upper MG Fantasy

Nerdy, Star Trek obsessed Gwen uses a newly acquired magical power to bully kids who bully her. But the cute guy trapped in her school’s bathroom mirror believes there are better uses for her paranormal gifts. Perhaps she could fight the toilets transforming into dragons or take on the snake-queen planning to eat all the kids for lunch.


  1. This story sounds like a lot of fun! I get a good sense of the character and craziness that will ensue. The only thing I'd suggest is changing the word "Perhaps" at the beginning of the last line. It could even be combined with the previous sentence:

    gifts, like fighting the toilets transforming into dragons or taking on the snake-queen planning to eat all the kids for lunch.

    This logline definitely leaves me wondering about her magical powers and what else might happen in the story. Good job!

  2. Fantastic stuff!! I'm hooked, just by that first sentence (bullies getting bullied, COOL!) and I love it! No suggestions for improvement from me, this logline ROCKS!!


  3. Oh my! My 8 year old would love this!

    My only suggestion would be to find another word for bully in the first sentence, to avoid the repetition. Maybe "avenge herself" (or something better that you think of).

  4. 1. Define for us in your opening sentace how Gwen got this power - inherited? Stumbled upon a book with powers? What has made her suddenly different from the day before?
    2. Not sure we need to know Gwen is Star Trek obsessed. "Nerdy Gwen has had it with being pushed around and when (Magical incidence) happens, she gladly turns the tables to bully the bullies."

    3. The second and third sentance easily fit together without "perhaps" filler. The part about fight the toilets transforming - is she fighting the transformation or the actual dragons/toilets? This needs to be clarified a bit.
    This book sounds messy and fun - good luck!

  5. I really liked this one & can't wait to read it WHEN it's published. ;-)

  6. I love the reference to Star Trek obsessed girl :) Not too many of those. Love the voice and concept. Really good!

  7. This is great fun. Kids will love the revenge; my heart immediately warms for the cute boy, and I love how there are a few options for her to use her magic, as it sets up for her to become a real superhero/constant vigilante. Perhaps lose Star Trek and put another characteristic in to show nerdiness? And maybe end with something like ...and she better fix it soon, before (insert big consequence) at the end.

  8. I think that this is a good length for a logline, which is great, but I’m a little confused about certain aspects of the plot as set out here. Namely, if monsters are taking over her school, isn’t she in as much danger as her fellow students, and therefore wouldn’t she have enough incentive of her own to use her powers to fight them? If she’s somehow immune to the dragons’ and snake-queen’s attacks, and would have to make the moral choice to save the kids who bullied her, then that should be made clear here. If that’s not the case, then I don’t really understand what the underlying conflict is in this story.

  9. I'd keep the "Star Trek-obsessed" because it sets your character apart from other nerds, and lose "nerdy." I would love to see another Star Trek reference within this logline to keep the Star Trek geeky voice strong. "Live long and prosper" would be fun. I like Michelle's suggestion above to combine last two sentences. Need to hyphenate some things: "Star Trek-obsessed Gwen" and "newly-acquired magical power." This sounds like a hilarious read. Nice work!

  10. I loved this, but found the beginning of the last sentence jarring. It took two reads before I realized those were better uses. I think you can cull a few words and combine the last two sentences and it might be a bit clearer (I admit it might make the sentence a bit too long).

    But the cute guy trapped in the bathroom mirror believes there are better uses for her gifts, such as fighting the toilets that transform into dragons, or taking on the snake-queen who plans to eat all the kids for lunch.

    I love this premise, by the way. It sounds like a terrific read.

  11. I kind of want to know how Gwen got the power too, but you may not need it here. THe only thing I want a really clear sense of is the inciting event, and then what the goal is. This has really good voice.

    Sounds like fun! Good luck!

  12. A couple of things:
    1. Is the magical power acquisition the inciting incident here? If so, you need to word this so we see that that results in her choosing to bully the bullies and meeting the guy in the mirror.
    2. The whole "perhaps..." doesn't tell us anything. Is she actually going to fight dragons and snake queens? If so, why? What is she trying to accomplish? And when will it end?

    Good luck!

  13. I thought there was a lot missing here. The guy in the mirror suggests things she could do with her powers (You might say what the power is, what it allows her do) and that's it. It stops. What does she choose to do and why. Or does she choose? Does she go back to bullying the bullies? There's no goal, motivation, stakes, or possible resolution here.

    WHat does she want?
    What stands in her way of having it?
    What does she do to circumvent that?
    What problems does that cause?

    Perhaps answer those questions.

  14. Very fun! My one question is what the magical power is. At first, it sounds like it's "magic" in general (a la Harry Potter). But then the line about paranormal gifts makes me think it's more specific. Usually paranormal refers to one gift ("I see dead people", etc.)