Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Logline Critique, Round 3 #9

TITLE: The Glass Gargoyle of the Last Elven King
GENRE: Fantasy

Taryn St. Giles turns to bounty hunting to keep herself and her three drunken faery wards out of the poorhouse, fortunately, her newest fugitive isn't hard to find nor hard on the eyes. The fact that he may be trying to end the world as she knows it is a bit more unfortunate.

11 comments:

  1. Ha! This one sounds like a fun adventure...

    Lisa :)

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  2. Interesting. 'End the world as she knows it' bit of a cliche there. One I would rework and make more unique.

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  3. I love the voice in this, definitely up my alley, and the title is intriguing as well. It would stand out on a shelf (or website) on title alone for me.

    (Also like the MC's name!)

    The idea of her three drunken faery wards sounds like a laugh, I totally love this already.

    I think the last line needs a bit more oomph though. Again, love the voice ("a bit more unfortunate") but it seems to end abruptly.

    Awesome work!

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  4. This story sounds fun and intriguing! I would definitely want to read more!

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  5. I am loving this! If I had one crit it would be that maybe the phrase, "world as she knows it" is a bit cliche.

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  6. This sounds intriguing. I'd just split the first sentence into two at "fortunately, her newest..." Good luck!

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  7. I don't usually care much for fantasy, but this sounds like a fun story that would fit in any world--even our own. Nicely done.

    As others have said, "end the world as she knows it" doesn't mean anything. Is he trying to destroy the world? Overthrow a king? Outlaw bounty hunting? Be more specific here and you've got a good one.

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  8. I think you’ve done a great job establishing a fun, irreverent voice in this logline. I love the drunken faery wards (and the title!). The last sentence could probably be a bit more specific, though I think the end-of-the-world clichĂ© actually works OK because the voice is clearly making light of all of it.

    I agree with the other commenter who says that “fortunately…” definitely needs to be a new sentence.

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  9. Your first line would be stronger if it were something like, "Determined to keep herself and her three drunken faery wards out of the poorhouse, Taryn St. Giles turns to bounty hunting, only to find that her first fugitive..." Of course, this is assuming that turning to bounty hunting is something that incites the story and not something that starts before the story. If she is already a bounty hunter, then your inciting incident is what she discovers about the fugitive, in which case we need to know her goal (stop him?) and what kind of conflicts she is going to face.

    Good luck!
    Holly

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  10. Hmm. There is something really interesting here - not so into the title - it doesn't seem to match the logline. "The Glass Gargoyle" is perhaps stronger?

    "drunken faery wards" - not sure I understand what these are.

    "a bit more unfortunate" seems a bit weak to me. What about just "is unfortunate." ?

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  11. Thank you all for the feedback! :)

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