TITLE: BUTTERFLY GIRL
GENRE: Middle Grade
In the summer before seventh grade, twelve year old Madison stumbles on a spell in an ancestor's journal, awakens magic hidden in her genes...and sprouts wings! When Madison's story hits the national news sites, her long absent mother shows up with superstar plans for her Butterfly Girl. It's time to leave Grandpa and his strawberry farm -- unless holding onto the mother she longed for means losing the one place that might truly mean home.
I like the fact that this logline surprised me. At first it seemed like another kid finding out she's magical, but then you have the twist that she becomes a sensation, which is different from how magic usually gets handled. I think you could shorten it by dropping the initial clause. Just start with her age as the fact that it's summer isn't relevant here. In the last sentence, I'm not sure about the phrase "holding onto" for her mother since she just showed up, but I do like the stakes you outline comparing her mother and grandpa. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like a beautiful story! I agree that the logline needs tightening. Try paring it down to the essentials (character, inciting event, goal, conflict, and consequences).
ReplyDeleteSounds great! Why not just state the choice between mother and grandpa/home very clearly at the end - it's a bit convoluted at the moment.
ReplyDeleteI love this~ you've got the commercial aspect of the butterfly wings and the deeply meaningful (but broken) relationship with Mom too. Sounds like a beautiful story :)
ReplyDelete1. 'an ancestor' sounds more distant from Madison - try 'her ancestor'.
ReplyDelete2. To update the terminology, and tighten the wording try considering 'goes viral' or 'hits headlines' in place of 'hits the national news sites'
3. Last sentance needs clearer wording as to the choice she is faced with - better outlining our character's dilema and the question that will drive readers to buy the book.
Very nice idea here. Best of luck!
Great comments here, so I don't have much to add. I love everything about it until the last sentence, which I had to reread multiple times. I get what you're saying, it just needs a better flow I guess. Maybe something like, "But when she's forced to leave Grandpa and his strawberry farm, she's torn between reuniting with her mother or staying at the home she loves."
ReplyDeleteObviously that needs tightening as well, but I hope you get the idea.:)
It's nice how part of her conflict is so public and it's great being surprised by a logline. Could use a bit more of a threat though, rather than just the loss of home - in case that's a little too subtle for a younger audience.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept here, especially how Madison’s magical transformation only shines a light on the problems in her real-world life.
ReplyDeleteA few tweaks: In the first sentence, you don’t need to say “In the summer before seventh grade” and that she’s 12 years old—they tell us the same information, so pick one. I like the second sentence a lot (hyphenate long-absent mother). In the third sentence, I’d rewrite the ending so that you’re not repeating the word “mean” twice—maybe something like “the one place she can truly call home.”
Good luck with this!
Perhaps as a first sentence: "Stumbling upon her ancestor's journal, twelve-year-old Madison sprouts wings." We don't need to know about her other magic for the purposes of this logline. I'd also omit "sites" and hyphenate "long-absent". I like Becky's suggestion above for the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteThis logline stood out to me and sounds like a very sweet/unique mg novel. Good luck!
I think this logline is awesome. I thought it had really good voice and left me with no questions. Well done.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! :)
Thank you for the excellent feedback! I'm going to try it with some of your great suggestions:
ReplyDeleteAbandoned on her grandfather's farm, twelve year old Madison stumbles on a spell in her ancestor’s journal, awakens magic hidden in her genes…and sprouts wings! When Madison’s story goes viral, her long-absent mother shows up with superstar plans for her Butterfly Girl. It’s time to leave Grandpa and his strawberry farm...but holding onto the mother she longed for means losing the one place Madison can truly call home.
Your inciting incident is clear but it doesn't appear to incite your main character into doing anything. As written, it is inciting her mother to do something and all she is doing is going along with her. What is Madison going to do in this book? Middle Grade, more than any genre, is about characters taking action on their own. You need to show how she is going to do this.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
I thought the last sentence was the weak link in an otherwise strong logline. The first half says the same thing as the last half, so there is no 'unless.'
ReplyDeleteWhat's the problem when Mom takes her? You're putting across the internal problem, which is generally resolved by a revelation or making a decision, both of which happen in an instant. We need to see the external problem. (Problems with being famous, learning how to deal with mom, homesickness for G'pa.) WHat is her goal after mom takes her, and what does she do to meet it? And what stands in her way?
THANKS for the suggestions! I tried to define her choice in this new last sentence:
ReplyDeleteAbandoned on her grandfather’s farm, twelve year old Madison stumbles on a spell in her ancestor’s journal, awakens magic hidden in her genes…and sprouts wings! When Madison’s story goes viral, her long-absent mother shows up with superstar plans for her Butterfly Girl. Madison will have to decide if life with the glamorous mother she dreamed of is worth moving away from the friends who stood by her, and from Grandpa, who loved her before the whole world knew her name.