In a land where stars have wings and animals guard the noble lords, seventeen-year-old Heiren Delaire seeks a lost sword to destroy a demon hell-bent on setting her world on fire.
Leave out the In a world part. Start with Seventeen-year-old Heiren. From there it reads pretty clear. I can't read in a world without hearing the movie voice guy in my head.
Sounds like the start of a movie trailer. Why is Heiren the only one who is looking for the sword? What makes her special? What is her place in this fantasy world? It sounds a little generic right now.
I like it, it's clearly a quest-fantasy. Maybe the 'in a land' part is a little bit of a cliche, so you might want to reformulate it, but I think in general it sets the atmosphere. The questions above are, always in my opinion, good for a query and not a logline, which shouldn't be longer than 2-3 sentences MAXIMUN
I like "In a land..", it launches the reader straight into another world. However, you do have room to expand, if you like, and could start with "Seventeen-year-old Heiren, apprentice guardian (occupation/description) of Venusia (name of land), seeks a lost sword...If she fails, it means the destruction of the last realm where stars have wings and animals guard the noble lords.
I like skywriter's suggestion for restructuring your logline. Overall, I thought you packed a powerful punch with this logline. Nice work and good luck!
This is a great start! I have to agree with the others about leading with the "in a land..." part. While it does set the tone, it also feels cliche. Personally I think cutting that entire clause and substituting something about the inciting incident that sets her after the sword would make the stakes more clear and strengthen the hook. Good luck!! :)
I'm betting this is something I would love because fantasy is my favourite genre and lost swords, guard animals and stars having wings all sound right up my street!
However, I think you could do a much better job with this as it seems to fall a bit flat and bland. Maybe have a second sentence giving us more info on why Heiren is the one to save her world. Why does the demon want to set it on fire? Something a little bit more to make this stand out I think.
You've got many of the elements here but it's presented poorly. You need to tell us how this story starts first. Why does she need this sword and why does she need it NOW? And why must SHE be the one to destroy the demon? And what will HE/IT do to stop her?
I agree this reads more like the intro to a movie trailer. I like the premise, but I'd like to know more about the MC besides her age and gender. Why is she the one taking on this quest?
I think it's a good, strong basic premise, but think it just lacks something. Think the all important 'why?' But I do think this is a strong starting ground.
Leave out the In a world part. Start with Seventeen-year-old Heiren. From there it reads pretty clear. I can't read in a world without hearing the movie voice guy in my head.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the start of a movie trailer. Why is Heiren the only one who is looking for the sword? What makes her special? What is her place in this fantasy world? It sounds a little generic right now.
ReplyDeleteI like it, it's clearly a quest-fantasy. Maybe the 'in a land' part is a little bit of a cliche, so you might want to reformulate it, but I think in general it sets the atmosphere. The questions above are, always in my opinion, good for a query and not a logline, which shouldn't be longer than 2-3 sentences MAXIMUN
ReplyDeleteI like "In a land..", it launches the reader straight into another world. However, you do have room to expand, if you like, and could start with "Seventeen-year-old Heiren, apprentice guardian (occupation/description) of Venusia (name of land), seeks a lost sword...If she fails, it means the destruction of the last realm where stars have wings and animals guard the noble lords.
ReplyDeleteI like skywriter's suggestion for restructuring your logline. Overall, I thought you packed a powerful punch with this logline. Nice work and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThis is a great start! I have to agree with the others about leading with the "in a land..." part. While it does set the tone, it also feels cliche. Personally I think cutting that entire clause and substituting something about the inciting incident that sets her after the sword would make the stakes more clear and strengthen the hook. Good luck!! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm betting this is something I would love because fantasy is my favourite genre and lost swords, guard animals and stars having wings all sound right up my street!
ReplyDeleteHowever, I think you could do a much better job with this as it seems to fall a bit flat and bland. Maybe have a second sentence giving us more info on why Heiren is the one to save her world. Why does the demon want to set it on fire? Something a little bit more to make this stand out I think.
You've got many of the elements here but it's presented poorly. You need to tell us how this story starts first. Why does she need this sword and why does she need it NOW? And why must SHE be the one to destroy the demon? And what will HE/IT do to stop her?
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Holly
And?
ReplyDeleteWhat comes next? WHat gets in the MC's way? What must he do to overcome this, and if he doesn't what will happen?
Nice start, but you need to finish it.
I agree this reads more like the intro to a movie trailer. I like the premise, but I'd like to know more about the MC besides her age and gender. Why is she the one taking on this quest?
ReplyDeleteI think it's a good, strong basic premise, but think it just lacks something. Think the all important 'why?'
ReplyDeleteBut I do think this is a strong starting ground.